(If you don't want character stuff, just skip to the game's cover, below.)
I don’t want to do this. I just don’t. My mind is
somewhere else right now… I mean, I’ve got to plan out the blog’s second
anniversary! I… got a dentist appointment! …I… got a date with a hot chick! Oh
no, you wouldn’t believe that. Um… I’m gonna get a liposuction! …Nah, that’s
not believable either, I’m too poor. Look, I don’t want to review Super Paper
Mario, alright? And the reason is right there:
I just don’t want. The review of Scott Pilgrim VS.
The World ended in a horrible way for me. Would you like it if I came up to you
and played every single one of your worst moments in a loop? Would you start
feeling like an asshole? Yeah, well, I’m the asshole it happened to. Let it be
clear that I try to keep a rather friendly attitude towards both my readers and
the games I’m reviewing, but the past two years have been a mess. Just a mess.
It’s like every next bad game I’m reviewing is driving me closer to the edge. It’s
been a while now, but I knew at some point all this pent-up rage would be used
against me. It’s like I have… a problem. Anger issues, to be precise. Mostly
because of some motherfucking games that aren’t worth shit- Okay, okay, I’ll
stop. See? My fuse has never been this short!
I saw it coming when I was reviewing the Super Mario
Brothers movie… At that moment, I knew something was off. Especially after this
whole song where I started pinning blame on everything. Then there was PlayWith Birds… that was shit. And then I flipped out at Mario Kart DS. MARIO KARTDS! Which is, in all fairness, an awesome game with one shitty thing to it.
One! And I went all AVGN on its ass! In fact, I think I’m doing this right now.
Oh, but there were signs long before that… I mean, this could be seen all the
way back in 2013, when I expressed my lack of enjoyment towards games such as,
say, Castle of Shikigami III… or perhaps it was any of the other bad games I’ve
reviewed… Maybe it was, I dunno, Mario Pinball Land that pulled my trigger?
Unless it was Garfield: The Search For Pooky? Or Reel Fishing: Ocean Challenge?
Or that game I can never remember, I just know it’s about puzzles you can play
on paper? Or maybe it was the fucking Bit Boy! Or Mario Party 2! No wait, I got
it, it was that Gamer flick! Yes, that stupid movie! No, it was Pop-Up Pursuit!
Shit, I say! This is all shit!
Oh no, I think I know who it was… It was AnubisII! This shit-ass--crap-tabarnak-osti-motherfucking game! I could sense it that fateful November 21st, 2014, when I reviewed that paragon of awfulness. It’s like… something broke in me. And from that day on, I kept on seeing bits of my life go to shit. People I held in high esteem turned out to be horrible. I lost my job and haven’t found one since. I overspent at G-Anime. And I’ve become so jaded about life.
Oh no, I think I know who it was… It was AnubisII! This shit-ass--crap-tabarnak-osti-motherfucking game! I could sense it that fateful November 21st, 2014, when I reviewed that paragon of awfulness. It’s like… something broke in me. And from that day on, I kept on seeing bits of my life go to shit. People I held in high esteem turned out to be horrible. I lost my job and haven’t found one since. I overspent at G-Anime. And I’ve become so jaded about life.
I think I have a problem. And it’s turning my passion
of reviewing games and movies into a chore. It’s making it harder for me to
enjoy reviewing games.
Am I gonna need twelve steps to get rid of it? Ah,
whatever. Better get this review started, maybe I’ll figure it out during that
time...
So, Super Paper Mario is the third game in the Paper
Mario series. It came out for the Nintendo Wii in 2006. The Paper Mario series
is known for being an RPG series, and yet Shigeru Miyamoto decided to go a
different route for that one. Oh, it would still be an RPG, but most of all, it
would play out like… a PLATFORMER! Oh, the genius! And, I’ve got to admit, it
works very well; when you kill enemies, you get points. When you reach a
certain amount of points, you level up. Mario’s HP and attack power increase.
Have I mentioned that all the enemies in this game had an amount of hit points?
It takes a single stomp to kill a Goomba, but you can find yourself having
to stomp another enemy a few times if you want it dead. Mario is given complete
freedom, however: You can basically attack at any moment, any number of times,
like in a platformer. You don’t have to wait for the enemies to attack you
first, like in RPGs.
2D... 3D! |
We add to this a few great ideas. First off, Mario
gains an amazing ability. He can flip through dimensions! At first, he’s just a
2D character in a 2D world, but when he learns to flip, he becomes a 2D character
in a 3D world! And it’s a vital thing to do, as some enemies love to hide in
either dimension. Flipping through dimensions allows Mario to find plenty of
secrets, solve puzzles, and do other things. Oh, but that’s not all; as
the story progresses, Mario stops being the sole playable character. Princess
Peach, Bowser and Luigi end up joining him on this enormous quest. Sole
problem; they can’t flip between dimensions. As a result, Mario will still end
up being your main choice, as he’s often the only one who can let the whole
team through obstacles. However, the other three playable characters all offer
their own abilities. Peach can glide, Bowser is a powerhouse and breathes fire,
and Luigi… jumps very high. Yay? Oh, but that’s not all. In order to progress,
Mario also needs to get help from the Pixls, strange beings who give him
additional abilities. There’s about, what, ten of them, and some are more
useful than others. However, they all have to be used at one point or another.
Beyond that point, Super Paper Mario contains almost
everything that can be found in a great game: Moments of action, moments of
logical thinking, enemies, bosses, a huge story, minigames, side-quests, bonus
dungeons… Let’s jump right into this!
The game opens at Mario and Luigi’s house, on a
peaceful day. So peaceful, in fact, that Luigi wishes something big would
happen. To escape from boredom, they decide to head over to Peach’s castle.
Good idea, maybe she’s in the middle of being kidnapped right now.
Just as they get out, they see a Toad who tells them
Peach has been taken away by a dark character. Hey, I was only joking in my
last paragraph! I never thought it would end up really happening! Wow, do I
have divination powers or something? Luigi immediately assumes Bowser is behind
all this, so the two brothers leave. Toad stays behind, and wishes them good
luck. They didn’t even pay him! At Bowser’s Castle, the Koopa King is getting
ready to attack Peach’s Castle, and is doing a neat little speech in front of an
army of Magikoopas, Goombas and Koopas. The Mario brothers bust right in, and
when Bowser confronts them, Luigi says the front gate was open. Gee, Bowser,
are you taking a page from Peach’s own book on castle security here? Since
Bowser hasn’t even attacked yet, that means someone else kidnapped Peach! The
Princess’s voice is heard, and she appears imprisoned in a colorful cage made
of hexagons, after which a demon kinda looking like a caped stage magician
appears out of thin air, yelling “BLECK!” That sounds like something a heavy
metal singer trying too hard would scream on top of his lungs during a concert.
The entity presents himself as Count Bleck and drops
something about a Dark Prognosticus that might be the reason he kidnapped
Peach. Nice monocle, Bleck. Also, nice talking in third person. Totally not
cliché from a villain. Nicolas Hamel really doesn’t like when a villain speaks
that way. P.S. This is just one of a large pack of clichés this game’s story
contains. I could just put out a meter in here that indicates the number of
clichés this story contains, and I’d fill it up in no time. Oh hey, that might be a good idea. I retooled the Insults
to Continuity Counter as a Cliché Counter. I tried it when I watched a couple
films. It exploded near the end of Titanic, though. To make up for it, I
increased its limit. However, I didn’t have the courage to try it with 2009’s
Avatar. Pretty sure it would have exploded twice. Anyway, let me put the
Counter here…
Cliché Counter: 1.
Okay, it’s set.
So, Bleck announces that Peach is a vital part of his
plan, which consists in destroying all of the worlds. …Okay, and what will you
do after that? Go out for gelato? There won’t be gelato anymore. Go on a roller
coaster? There won’t be a roller coaster. Visit an alternate universe? There
won’t be any alternate universes left, you fucking moron! They’ll all be
destroyed! Do you guys even think before announcing that you want to destroy
the entire multiverse? Unless you kill yourself afterwards, which… Oh. Oh, I
see… Well, congrats Bleck for being the darkest Mario villain… and proving it
in the first five freaking minutes of the freaking game!
Though, with a face like this, you kinda know what to expect... Seriously, he looks like a mix between Black Mage, Jack Skellington and a stage magician. |
Mario tries to attack, but Bleck evades and K.O.s him
with some kind of void. After which Bleck summons a larger void that sucks in
Peach, Luigi, Bowser and all the present members of the Koopa Troop. After
which Count Bleck himself vanishes.
Later, Mario is awoken by a strange rainbow-colored
butterfly thing. It presents itself as Tippi, a Pixl (described as a kind of
fairy; hey, as long as you don’t turn out like Navi, we’re fine). Tippi says
that it’s there to help Mario against Count Bleck, as his plan requires both
Peach and Bowser. Tippi sends both itself and Mario into another dimension.
So, a mysterious helper who proves vital to the plot
and whose backstory is, for the moment, the least of our worries.
Cliché Counter: 2.
Now that I think of it, the Counter should be higher
than that. Peach being kidnapped is a cliché all to itself. Let me restart this
thing at the beginning of the game…
Cliché Counter: 7.
Okay. But just let me call it CC from now on.
Tippi and Mario appear in a strange beige and white
world, welcomed by a creature that kinda looks like a wizard. Surely a
benevolent figure who will give wise insight on the adventure, one who will
help the heroes a great deal… CC: 8. Apparently, the reason Tippi brought Mario
to this world is because he matches the description of the hero in the Light
Prognosticus, CC: 9. Well, here’s MY Prognostic: The Cliché Counter will blow
up before the end of this game! The elder presents this world as Flipside, a
place between worlds, and then presents himself as Merlon. Obvious wizard
reference? CC: 10. You could have called him Gondolf, Domblodore or Votrovios,
for all I care.
It's like a glitch in the matrix of the universe... |
A Hero Prophecy. Really. By this point, I’m just
crossing off the Obvious Clichés list. Chosen One? Link is it, Ash Ketchum is
it, an assload of heroes are Chosen Ones. They don’t all succeed, but almost all of
them do. Because goddamn prophecies.
Allow me to facepalm. SLAP! Okay, let’s continue.
CC: 15.
In order to save the Multiverse, Mario has to collect
eight “Pure Hearts” that, when assembled, contain the power to stop the Chaos
Heart. Collectibles spread all across, necessary to defeat the big bad? Video
game cliché! CC: 16. Seriously, that’s been seen millions of times. Gee, good
thing Merlon had one!
From this point on, most of the screenshors will be taken from Olizandry's LP of this game. Go watch it, if you don't mind having a narrator read everything aloud for you! |
…and we cut to Count Bleck and his crew of villains (A
team of villains? CC: 19). The team includes Bleck as the leader, Nastasia as
the secretary, O’Chunks as the muscles, Mimi as the tactical shapeshifting
trickster (we don’t even see her real form here), and Dimentio as the… um…
tactical dimension-shifting trickster. Basically, they all joined Bleck because
he promised to create worlds for them once he has destroyed everything. Yeah,
sure. No matter who you are, don’t trust the main villain! Nastasia informs
Bleck that there’s been interdimensional activity, the Count supposes that the
Hero foretold by the good prophecy is the cause of it, and therefore O’Chunks
decides to head out and get rid of that hero quickly. On this, O’Chunks and
Dimentio leave.
Argh, so many clichés! I mean, I know the Mario
series has always revolved around some particular clichés, but this is getting
ridiculous! Then again, if evil attacks, of course the good guys will come to
the rescue. Yeah, no matter how bad, there’s always the good…
Always the good… wait… I think I got it! My turmoil
could just end now!
It doesn’t matter how many terrible games and movies
there are out there. It doesn’t matter that they exist. Some may be good for a
quick laugh, others are painful experiences to put behind ourselves. …But one
thing’s clear: For every bad work of fiction, there’s at least one good work of
fiction to balance it. For every horrible game, there’s another of outstanding
quality. For every piece of shit worth throwing into the trash, there’s a
masterpiece to be admired. In fact, the balance tends to be heavier on the side
of the good works of fiction.
This might just be the solution to my problem.
No matter how much I rage at the bad works of
fiction, they’ll keep on existing. Because they can’t be erased. However, that
same point stands for what’s actually good. This is what I realized: I can
scream all I want at the bad games, that won’t make them any better. But there
are many good games out there, and instead of focusing on the awful stuff I’ve
seen since the creation of this website, I should focus on the good games I have
seen. This is what will bring me back from this darkness. I’ve got to turn my
attention to the good stuff. And from now on, I will not forget them.
But that’s not enough. I’ve been a terrible person
because of all that darkness, and I must try to correct myself. Maybe it’s
gonna take twelve steps. But I must not give up. The path towards becoming a
better person is right there, I must simply choose to take it. Out with the
outbursts of rage. You are now reading a repentant Nicolas who will do everything needed to improve himself!
Out with the old, in with the new!
But I still got a review to do, so read me in Part 2
this Monday.
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