Quick Review: Guacamelee! Gold Edition

Luchador life isn't for me. What would my stage name be anyway? El Tabarnaco?

Some great stories start with the hero dying. Wait, what?

A game by Drinkbox Studios published by them and Kepler Ghost and released on August 8th, 2013, Guacamelee! (specifically, the Gold Edition) is a metroidvania set in Mexican culture. Our protagonist, agave farmer Juan, is helping prepare the Dia de los Muertos festivities when tragedy strikes. El Presidente’s daughter, whom Juan had a crush on, is kidnapped by Carlos Calaca, a lich from the World of the Dead and his crew of other assorted superpowered undead. Calaca plans to unite it with the world of the living, which would cause untold chaos. Juan is killed during his rescue attempt and lands in the World of the Dead. There, he finds a magical luchador mask allowing him to return to the living, where he must use his new wrestling abilities to stop the lich’s plan.

No matter how big the monster, the Rooster Uppercut will
take them down! Or any new comes that we get afterwards.

Classic metroidvania formula; Juan starts with the basics. As we progress, however, we’ll unlock new skills allowing him to access new areas, and venture further into the world. The special moves, all color-coded can be used both offensively and for platforming; as an example, the first is a flying uppercut that can let Juan reach platforms otherwise too high for him. The colored moves are associated with colored roadblocks which Juan breaks by using the corresponding attack. These are all triggered with a specific button or key pressed while holding an arrow key or the joystick in one direction (ex. Up for the uppercut). These moves require stamina points to use, however, so you may have to wait if you spend all those points quickly.

You can beat a skeleton by throwing another skeleton into
it! They deserve it, they work for evil!

The combat system emphasizes Juan’s capacity to chain hits and rain damage. Long combos can be comprised of hits on the ground, in midair, special moves, and full-body wrestling throws, and can net you extra money! Cash can be spent at save points to gain new attacks, as well as perks relating to stamina and health. The fights get harder by throwing new ideas and challenges. Some enemies can only be fought in one of the two worlds. Later enemies are protected by color shields that must be destroyed with the corresponding special move before they can be damaged.

Come one come all, I've got exactly what each of you needs!
Two Rooster Uppercuts, and a headbutt, to go!

Quick Review: Fluffy Horde

AKA that game where you kill thousands if not millions of… bunnies? That’s dark.

A creation of Turtle Juice released on November 7th, 2018, Fluffy Horde is the story of a kingdom dealing with a dangerous shaman. This magic user has created a horde of bunnies that multiply like crazy, and he is using them to destroy crops and windmills. It’s up to the villagers to defend themselves through soldiers, farmers, decoys, and anything else they can use.

That's a lot of rabid rabbits.

This game touts itself as a mix of real-time strategy and tower defense; you can summon units, which can be upgraded to have stronger/faster attacks, more health, and so on. Economy is vital, so you need to buy farmers who’ll take care of crops for revenue. In several levels, the goal is to eliminate all the rabbits before they reach and destroy the local windmill. Your main combat units are swordsmen and archers. You can buy guys dressed in carrot costumes, who will attract the attention of bunnies (who will kill them). You can select one, or a whole group of units, and move them at the same pace; you can even double-click to select all units of the same type.

Almost there! Hm, usually it's the cows that make the milk.

In other levels, your goal changes. Sometimes, you’ll have to make a cow cross a field to reach a plant that spits out milk (don’t ask, this is a weird universe), and kill the bunnies since the cow freezes with fear when it sees them. More often though, you’ll have to move a princess dressed like a bunny girl towards a party she wants to attend… and if the lagomorphs reach her, they’ll kill her. Maybe don’t let that happen, k?

Every level comes with three medals to obtain; their tasks can include winning in a short amount of time, not letting the windmill or the princess take any damage, or working with a limited number of summoned units. There is a fourth medal, obtained by completing all three objectives at once. Before starting a level, you can look at the whole field to figure out a strategy.

They are, in fact, good at multiplication.

My biggest gripe, gameplay-wise, is that it keeps piling new mechanics on top of each other, and you must adapt to these new elements. Which isn’t terrible, except not all of them come with proper tutorials, and eventually more focus is put on the accumulation of fancy gimmicks than on the basics. Those stick around, but they eventually make way for simpler problem-solving that’s necessary to encompass all the variables. The further in we go, the less it feels like real-time strategy and tower defense, and it becomes just a puzzle game with bits of the other two genres sprinkled in. What’s the most optimal sequence of actions.

Teen Princess: "They are eating me alive! Hellooooo??"
"When killed: "Ugh. This is literally boring me to death."
Christ, can I turn the fucking voices off?

The  pixel art style is fun for the concept, but it creates an issue; the bunnies are very small. It’s easy for one to slip through without you noticing; thankfully, there are audio cues telling you when the windmill or the princess is in danger. Then, you must reassign your units to fight the tiny threat. At the end of a level, when you’ve dealt with almost every little bunny, there’s frequently the one or two that remain that you just didn’t see. Repeatedly, I didn’t get a medal for beating a level in a record time because of those few left over. They are so small, they blend in with the world! Heck, you can also lose a level if there are too many bunnies.

I would like to point out the unfortunate implications of
giving a flamboyant gay voice specifically to the units
whose entire point in the game is to get themselves killed.

The worst, though, is the voice acting. Every unit has a voice, and most of them… are okay? The soldiers, archers, farmers, and the mission control warning you about the windmill and the dangerous bunny numbers, that’s fine. The princess and the decoy carrot guys, however… The decoys are given the stereotypical “gay voice”. You know exactly what I’m talking about, I bet you’re hearing it in your head. The “accent” that stopped being funny 20 years ago and should have been left in the past. The princess voice, also done by a guy and stereotypically “modern annoyed teen”, isn’t much better; it got incredibly grating and the lines, whenever she was attacked or killed, got old fast. Even if you start off finding those voices and jokes funny, they get repeated ad nauseam and become super annoying after a while.

Oh, there’s a multiplayer mode, too. Eh. Whatever.

Would help if the teen princess didn't have the HP of a
Goomba.

Yeah, not a big fan of this one! I do think it would have fared better and been more faithful to its genres if it hadn’t been rushing to introduce so many mechanics. Though, with that said, I do have a greater issue with the game’s presentation than with its gameplay. After all, there is great challenge to be found in merely beating every level, and then hunting down every medal. It’s not godawful, but it’s in that “won’t bother to finish it” category. Those two voices were a complete turn-off.

Fluffy Horde is available on Steam for 9.99$ USD.

Movie Review: Coyote vs. ACME

Ha! Vindication with a side of schadenfreude! (As always, spoiler alert, just in case!)

Coyote vs. ACME would have been just the latest Looney Tunes movie had it not had its tumultuous existence. It would have been the latest attempt at Roger Rabbit-ing the Tunes into our world, albeit with a focus we've never had before. It doesn't sound like this production directed by Dave Green ran into many issues; its life after completion, however, is a different story. Warner Bros. and its CEO David Zaslav originally shelved the finished and ready film, planning to use it as a 30M$ tax write-off for the deeply indebted studio.

This was not the only movie to suffer this fate, with the other most-cited feature being Batgirl, which DC fans were piiiiissed to learn about. This only shed further light on WB's shady practices regarding finished products, as well as their complete disregard for existing products and properties. Like, say, that time they were seen filling dumpsters with pieces of physical movie history, studio assets, and other elements of marketing.

Through some goddamned miracle, the movie I'll talk about managed to escape this grim fate. Its distribution rights were purchased by Ketchup Entertainment, who also released The Day The Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie last year (I saw it, it's good too). And it was released to North American theaters on August 28th. I'm told not every theater could get it, and it may have a limited run considering Ketchup is an indie company, so it may not even stick around a full month, even in theaters where it did get released. Still, that it saw a wide release at all is cause for celebration.

Coyote vs. ACME currently sits at over 90% in both critic and audience scores on RottenTomatoes. To think we almost could have never seen this. I think it is funny that, between my review of Space Jam: A New Legacy (where I made one joke at his expense) and this feature's release, Zaslav announced his retirement from the role of CEO at Warner Bros. Good riddance. I should've been a lot nastier to the guy. However he is apparently coming out of it close to a fucking billion dollars richer, while WB has accumulated so much debt that it keeps trying to get re-bought by new companies, and then putting THOSE in debt by association! How much goddamn sense does THAT make?? Fucking golden parachutes, I swear.

So, uh, if you hate Zaslav and everything he stands for, maybe help by going out to see this movie in theaters and help it make way beyond the 30 mil$ it was supposed to give WB back? No, seriously. Even putting aside my upcoming review. I want it to make fuckin' BANK. That would be a statement.

This film is inspired by a 1990 short story from The New Yorker, an epistolary (look at me today with the big words) tale told entirely through a reprinted court document detailing the proceedings of a lawsuit. In said document, Wile E. Coyote, the forever Road Runner-hungry supergenius, takes ACME to court over the repeated and demonstrable failures of their toony products. This being a 100-minute movie, you can imagine it takes things a fair bit further!

The story

Quick Review: Distrust

Don’t. Fall. Asleep. Or do; you gotta rest eventually. But beware…

The cold is already biting at my face.
Are you sure we can't stick around the helicopter fire?

Distrust (often completed with the subtitle Polar Survival) is an isometric survival/horror roguelite game developed by Cheerdealers, published by Alawar, and released on August 23rd, 2017. At the start, you choose two characters among several playable options, all but two of which must be unlocked by playing through the story mode. Your two characters are part of a rescue mission sent to an army base on an especially cold Arctic night. However, the helicopter crashes following a strange light appearing in the cabin. Only your survivors remain. The base’s inhabitants are gone; something happened here. Gotta figure out what, and then come out of this alive.

She's freezing, she's exhausted, and she has a cold. Surely it
cannot be wors- Oh great, what's that weird noise outside?

Your characters have three basic needs: Warmth, stamina, and satiety. It’s cold out there, so equip them with the best winter jackets you can find. Buildings are cold, so you better stock up on wood and fill those furnaces to recover some body heat. They contain generators for electricity and lights, and those may need refilling with gas – but you’ve got limited reserves there as well! Satiety simply means that the characters need to eat. Can’t find food? You’ll be in trouble soon enough. Coffee beans and cigarettes don’t count. And rancid pasta might fill the void, but it can make the character sick instead. Then, there’s stamina. The longer they go, the more tired the characters become. You can give them a short energy boost with foods, but eventually they WILL need to sleep.

This all ties together with their base health, which will whittle down by 1HP every few seconds if either of these stats is completely depleted. Hypothermia, exhaustion and hunger are no joke. Characters can still hurt themselves during tasks, or poison themselves with bad food! And they can even suffer from various forms of insanity once their health gets low! A character whose HP hits 0 falls into a coma, leaving the other(s?) to revive them with an adrenaline shooter. And those are rare. 

Pasta past the expiration date? Uncooked veggies? Nah,
I'll have the candy, it's not a headache like the rest.

Do we have anything to deal with that monster?

Let’s say your team is overdue for a rest. Find a bed, sleep in turns, good. But something strange happens. Monsters start popping up around the buildings. Research papers in the area reveal that these things appear when people sleep. While one is sleeping, the other must hold the fort against whichever new threat has arisen. Good thing they share their inventory! Each enemy has different weaknesses and can inflict a different type of harm, though you can find info on these entities before encountering them.

"Help me out a little here! I'm shoveling!"
"No can do one task per person, the game says so."

The fact that your characters must survive with what they find turns this horror/survival game into a unique roguelite. Each member of the playable roster brings their own skill; as an example, the first woman loses satiety more slowly than other characters, so she needs to eat less often. Make use of those skills to survive not just the cold night and the monster encounters. The other roguelite staple is that there are six zones, each new one harder than the previous; and each one has a puzzle to solve. However, the puzzles won’t be in the same order from one run to another; be prepared for anything.

You unlock the third character through playing Challenge
Mode. And finding a secret ending. Your reward is: A
harder time keeping enough resources for everyone!

Ugh, unlocking doors takes FOR-E-VER. And there are so
many damn locked doors. You could pick the lock, or break
the door with a crowbar instead - but you risk wasting
those items' health before you really need them.

Tools are necessary for specific actions – but they break after too many uses, and though some can be repaired, their materials can be hard to find. Besides, you might prefer to keep your wood for warmth. Later zones get harder, with snow blocking doors, windows having to be closed (who opens windows in the ARCTIC WINTER??). And the monsters get stronger and harder to deal with… Some monster-killing mechanics aren’t explained well, like the trap that is said you can just drop to the floor to catch a specific electric monster. In general, it feels like past the second zone, you spend too much time dealing with constantly repeating annoyances, all to further slow your progress. Characters can even start suffering from mental afflictions when their health gets low! The isometric view makes navigating each zone even more confusing. Finally, completing some objectives or rescuing someon can lead to playing a party of three, requiring an even tighter control of resources.

Rebuildsing beds so we can sleep and... Dammit, a window
is open again! Who I repeat, opens windows in the Arctic?
It's not even the Arctic summer right now!

Great concept, the game is good, but super tough. Though that was to be expected from a roguelite, really. You get better as you learn its intricacies, this comes with the territory. It’s not a scary game, even if the theme is horror-ish. Co-op options are included, as well as two difficulty levels (Adventure and Challenge – as if the base game wasn’t tough enough). Perhaps the worst thing I can say about this one is just how often you’re left with not much to do while either character is fiddling with keys to unlock a door, completing a long task, or cooking food. I know the waiting exists to waste stamina, warmth and satiety, but it’s still tedious down the line. And the random nature of a roguelite means a high chance of not finding what you need, when you need it.

Distrust is available on Steam for 12.99$ USD.

Quick Review: Disney Speedstorm

Ready your wallets – I mean, your wheels – because you’re gonna be spending – I mean speeding – through the long, hard cash – I mean tracks – of the Disney universe!

I’m telling right off the bat what my review angle is gonna be, huh.

Mickey Mouse, ready to race! And leave everyone else
in his dust! (Unless you change to another racer!)

Disney Speedstorm is a creation of Gameloft released on April 18th, 2023. This free(mium) game is about Arbee, an A.I. that exists in an arcade and which has grown fond of many Disney properties (including Pixar and the Muppets). It decides to create a racing game of its own to bring all these heroes, villains, and other supporting characters in one place… where they can then put on modern racing gear, no matter which time period they’re from, and then duke it out on the racetracks. At time of writing, the game contains 131 characters from 39 universes, with the most recent additions in Season 21 being from Encanto.

I hadn't thought about it, but then I remembered I should
probably censor the usernames of other racers.

I’m playing on PC and keyboard, where W is to accelerate, A and D to go left and right, the left Shift key to make the car jump, and the Spacebar to drift. Taking a page from Mario Kart (then again, which mascot racer doesn’t?), racers can grab boxes on the track, obtaining items to help against the opponents; item skills can be activated with the Up or Down arrows, with some items having different effects depending on what you press (as an example, a bomb that you can toss forward to hit someone ahead, or drop behind you to hit someone getting too close; or flames that can either form a barrier around the racing car, or leave a fiery trail behind it). Racers can run over speed pads, which gives them a boost and fills a gauge at the top of the screen. When it’s full, you can press Crtl to activate a longer boost.

Race variants, team racing, solo racing, and so many events
going on at any moment. All to keep you lured in, right?

You can customize both the racers’ outfits and the karts. However, the more interesting aspect here is how you can level up the characters and give them stat increases through stars. All characters have their own “Racer Shards” (you need to collect 10 of a racer’s shards to unlock them) and start at 0 stars. When you have enough Shards for a racer and enough Tune Coins collected, you can spend some of both to make that racer gain a star fragment, five of which are needed for a whole star. With each fragment, that racer’s stats get small boosts – these can add up to make that character increasingly fearsome on the racetrack, but they get costly. After you’ve given a character a full star, they go up a rank, and you can give them crew members that give small stat bonuses during races as well. Crew members also have their own shards. Phew!

Look at this, he's in a racing game! He's wearing clothes!

The game plays great, looks amazing, and features high-energy remixes of famous Disney songs. The wide selection of characters is good (though unlocking them is a long, tedious, often luck-based process), and they all have their own special skills to unlock and use. And if you’re struggling to win races in Solo Mode, you can play in Team Mode instead, where you’ll be paired with two other players and your cumulative team score will determine whether you win or lose a race. Then of course there are plenty of season events to take part in, and many more sections, like the World Map and an Adventure Road (though in both cases, some levels require owning and/or using specific characters and being at specific racer levels), as well as a plethora of classic freemium stuff like daily missions, seasonal missions, a bit of free stuff every day, etc. You probably know the drill already.