Still in Merlee’s mansion, Mario and Co. find the basement. They go down towards two doors. This part is a maze across many rooms, but thankfully it’s not too difficult if you have an idea where to go. At the end of this half of the maze, Mario sees "Merlee". (Why "Merlee"? Because I know it's Mimi.) She suggests to let go the Pure Heart for ten MILLION rubees… Let me have a painful flashback to Level 2-3, and then say to you, "Merlee", as I slam my foot down, an expression of pure anger in my eyes, FUCK YOU! Just watch me refuse every single offer she does. And yes, in the end it turns out this was a fake Merlee; the real one appears above them. The fake Merlee transforms, revealing herself to have been Mimi all along. Mimi, enraged, lets go of the masquerade and turns into her true form: A mechanical spider.
God I wish.
This is a place man was never meant to see... |
Damn good thing we’ve had Princess Peach join the
team before this world, huh?
I don't think the women's bathrooms are supposed to hide a full game show. |
I guess Mimi's got legs. Too bad she's losing them! |
And then Nastasia works her magic. That's not a good thing. |
A good guy turned evil? That sounds like a cliché to
me! CC:??
Huh? It’s not working? What happened? …Ah, whatever.
I think I got my point across. I won’t need to point out the clichés in this
story any longer. Just know that it is, indeed, full of clichés, the kind we
see in every Chosen One story, and damn it’s become annoying. I can just feel
the Messiah metaphor coming from miles away!
…Wait a minute, the Cliché Counter is broken! …Guess
I’ll have to do without. Just give me a second, gonna throw this thing away…
Alright, we can continue.
Once again, we see quotes on a black screen, telling
another part of the story between a human and a member of the Tribe of
Ancients… or was it a demon? Whatever. This intermission gives us these two
characters’ names: Blumiere and Timpani, the boy and the girl respectively.
Blumiere… “lumière”, which means light… and this game has a Bleck… Why do I
feel like this is gonna be relevant…
Whatever. Mario and Peach return to Flipside. After
they talk with Merlon, it’s time to look for another heart pillar. While I’m at
it, I guess I should talk about the new sections available to visit in
Flipside. First, one floor below Saffron’s kitchen, we can find a bar that
serves milk; the barman will often tell tidbits he heard, tidbits that prove to
be important if you want to understand
the whole story. However, you can also flip to 3D and head for a pipe at the
end of the bar; this leads to an arcade where Mario can play four minigames, as
long as he pays for the tokens. There’s also the lowermost floor, which leads
towards the Pit of 100 Trials… but I’ll discuss that later.
Offense in 3... 2... 1... |
Allow me to facepalm. SLAP! Nintendo, is that how
you picture otakus? Is that your image of geeks? This guy is closer to a nerd.
Or, uh… I don’t know, all three terms appear to fit. Either way, I feel insulted by this representation. This chameleon guy is named Francis, and yeah,
it’s pretty much the most offensive portrayal of otakus/geeks/nerds I’ve seen
since the film Gamer. I mean… wow. This Francis sucks. I mean, it's kind of hyporitical of me, considering my behavior in recent months...
Don’t start thinking that I’m a raging lunatic who yells at everything... okay, I’ve become like this a little… which reminds me that if I want to stop, I need to go back on all my reviews and see where I was at my worst.
Don’t start thinking that I’m a raging lunatic who yells at everything... okay, I’ve become like this a little… which reminds me that if I want to stop, I need to go back on all my reviews and see where I was at my worst.
Okay, so first there was Castle of Shikigami III, in
which I criticized the army of Sues; Mario Pinball Land, which I still hate to
this day; Purr Pals, in which I thought the cats were creepy; Garfield: The
Search For Pooky, which sucked almost all the way through; Reel Fishing Ocean
Challenge, because it’s an incomplete game that offers too little; Rayman
Hoodlum’s Revenge, because Globox is a goddamn coward; Puzzler Collection- I
can’t even remember it; Bit Boy was just awful; Yu-Gi-Oh! The Sacred Cards,
because its main character is a Gary Stu and the whole story revolves around
him; Mario Party 2, because of its terrible board layouts and my own shitty
luck; the Gamer movie, which just plain sucked; Pop-Up Pursuit, which was also
pretty bad; Anubis II, the WORST THING I’VE EVER FUCKING SEEN IN ALL 23 YEARS
OF MY EXISTENCE; the Super Mario Bros. movie, which was just painful; Play With
Birds, which literally broke on me; Mario Kart DS, which I hate because of one
single aspect…
I just can’t lie to myself anymore. I’ve been a
terrible person. Who would want to hang out with me after all this? I need to
confess. Maybe if I apologize to someone about it...
And I promise that I’m going to remove these defects
of character! If I can’t, I’m at least going to try and tone them down. A LOT.
I get the feeling out bomb buddy will be very useful here. |
Now you can control Bowser; his stomps are stronger than Mario’s, and when you press Down he can also breathe fire. Needless to say, he will be very useful in the upcoming battles. Thus ends Level 3-1.
Level 3-2 is the Tile Pool, a water level.
Mario can’t stomp enemies here, so we have to count on Boomer to clear the way,
or on Bowser to set the baddies on fire. …Wait. He can breathe fire… underwater. And it still
works.
Anyway, while going through the level, Mario and Co.
find a new Pixl called Thudley. This one gives them the Ground Pound ability,
which they can then use to solve puzzles and find new entrances. Mario uses
this new ability to find a way out of this sea, and later Bowser’s fire breath
turns out to be vital in defeating a huge-ass Blooper. Oh, don’t worry, it’s
just the fourth or fifth giant Blooper they battle in the Mario series. The novelty is wearing out, ya know…
These little flowers are annoyances of Jigglypuff proportions. THEY PUT YOU TO SLEEP! And then you fall off a platform and must climb all the way back. |
Dimension D is the most boring dimension ever. Dimentio, you suck. |
HOLY WOW! How long does it take to build something like this in Minecraft? |
-Just the fact that he refers to women as “hot babes” pretty
much ALL THE TIME indicates that all he cares about is their physique.
-“I have bought games that I have never played.” Then
why do you buy them? It’s called a GAME! You play it. At worst, buy two, and
play only one of them, keep the other as a collector item. That solution would
work for you, as you seem to like over-spending.
-“I have dumped a friend over an argument about
‘Starship X-Naut’ propulsion technology.” You know, Francis, maybe you wouldn’t
be so lonely if you stopped dumping friends over such stupid-ass reasons!
-“A schweet cover illustration is more important than
the story line.” Moron.
-“My first love was an anime character!” … … …Yeah,
fine, crushes on fictional characters are alright, just don’t make it weird,
ok? Like, don’t go say your crush was on an underage girl please. Please.
-“I love going on message boards and complaining about
games I’ve never played!” …Do I even need to make fun of this?
-He even nicknamed Tippi “Francine”! I’m groaning so
much right now.
The Dork-O-Meter would explode if I had one. But, as
much as I hate Francis, at least I must admit he’s a funny way to make plenty
of references to past Mario games… But that’s all there is to him. The rest is as offensive as a Seltzer and Friedberg film.
Welcome to the least sexy dating sim, ever. |
We get another scene with the villains. Dimentio
talks about the heroes’ power and the group decides to unleash “Him” (Oh no,
they got that effeminate demon to join their group too?) on the good guys.
After O’Chunks, Mimi and Dimentio leave, Bleck and Nastasia discuss, and it
seems that, yet again, Bleck has some form of internal turmoil… after those two
are gone, Dimentio appears. He spied on their conversation. Well, gee, it seems
like he has an agenda to himself!
The white text on black background shows up YET
AGAIN, and in it, it appears the human girl Timpani has decided to part with
Blumiere… because of Blumiere’s father. That's probably what makes it a better love story than Twilight. …See? I went there! I shouldn’t have, but I did! Whatever, this
should start making sense someday…. I hope…
That's the second time you say that! Alzheimer much? ...Alright, that was just nasty from me. |
While I’m at it, I think I should talk about the
gameplay. It’s getting late into the review to talk about this, so I better do this now. It’s
great. Each playable character has his/her own special abilities, and all of
those abilities turn out to be necessary to progress through the game. Whether
it’s Mario’s flipping, Peach’s floating, Bowser’s fire breath or the last
character’s super high jumps, you need a character’s special ability as soon as
you get to play as him/her. My only issue with that is that, as a result, you
frequently have to pause the game, switch character, use that character’s
ability, then switch back to Mario because the next part can only be done in 3D
mode or something. Same goes for the Pixls; they’re awesome, sure, and they
offer plenty of great abilities that all the characters can use, but you’ll
frequently have to pause, switch Pixls, use the Pixl’s ability to bypass an
obstacle or defeat an enemy, and minutes later you might have to switch again.
That’s a lot of pausing, don’t you think? Oh well, it’s still pretty great to
have all these abilities. Also, many levels contain sections that are good to
revisit later, once you’ve found certain Pixls; you can then access zones you
had never seen before.
So, the group heads off to World 4, enters the door…
and ends up in space. Since none of the cast is able to breathe in space
(though Pixls can, they’re just that magical), Tippi brings everyone back to
Flipside in an emergency teleport that she didn’t even know she could do.
(Great, more unexplained things…) Anyway, in Flipside, Mario and Co. ask Merlon
for a helmet, and he had the right thing, except he gave it to a kid who’s now
using it as an aquarium. But the kid’s fish has gotten too big, so he entrusts
Mario’s team the bowl as long as they find the fish a nice place to stay.
There’s a place of water near the Overthere Bar, so they drop the fish there
(that fishy will become a MONSTER by the end of the game, grown giant, with
lots of fish carcasses underwater) and can finally go in World 4. Yay!
…I’ll cover that in the next part!
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