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Showing posts with label Explanation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Explanation. Show all posts

May 25, 2018

Top 12 Annoyances: Mario Series Edition

Once again, back to the Mario well for me! No matter how many Steam games I play now, I just keep returning to Nintendo franchises when it’s time to make a Top 12 list. I know, I know. It’s easy. In my defense, I have been playing Nintendo franchises far longer than any games on Steam, so I know them more and can make more complete lists.

Oh, this could be applicable to any franchise. Most famously, I remember many YouTube videos doing this concept for the Pokémon series (except they could list over 50 annoyances, go figure). I went through my knowledge of the Mario franchise and pinpointed twelve things that personally annoy me greatly in the franchise. Obviously, this means a ground rule must be set: Each item of the list must be in the franchise itself. I can’t rely on fan interpretations or theories (like “Mario is secretly a psycho OMG”). Nope. Also must keep it to the games, no movie or TV series or anything such.

12. Toad…?
Toad, you're not bad...
You could be way better.
Let’s start with an annoyance that many of us agree on: Toad. The mushroom-headed citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom, and all of the people similar to him… but, especially, him. He’s been despised ever since seven of him told us that the Princess was in another castle. Unfortunately, however helpful we can make him in newer games, he still falls prey to a poor decision in voice-acting. His voice is grating, annoying. It’s not helping that, much like Princess Peach, he and his fellows constantly get kidnapped or put themselves in danger, forcing them to scream for Mario to come and help them. Always in the same irritating tone. Sorry. I don’t hate Toad as much as others might. He does have a lot of elements to him that bug me, but ultimately he’s not the worst case. And, granted, tere have been representatives of his kind who have been given larger roles, like Captain Toad, or the blue and yellow ones in NSMBWii...

11. Ukiki and other hat-stealers
Get your own hat!
There’s nothing an adventurer hates more than having their possessions stolen. Try it if you’re dungeon-mastering a tabletop RPG. Super Mario 64 is a fantastic game, admittedly flawed but it’s one of thousands of great games where the flaws aren't enough to make one dislike the game. This litle element is no exception: Annoying, yes, but not a strike major enough to make one hate SM64. Ukiki the monkey shows up in a level or two, and its primary reason to exist is to steal Mario’s hat. That wouldn’t be so bad, except for some reason it causes Mario to start losing HP. And in a game where the maximum HP is 8, this is kind of a big deal. Then there’s also Klepto, the vulture with a rather appropriate name, who will also steal Mario’s hat, for the same result. Super Mario Sunshine also does it. Later games, thankfully, don’t have this feature. Oh well, it made for an interesting gameplay mechanic when Yoshi, Luigi and Wario joined for the Super Mario 64 remake on the Nintendo DS. Here, putting on a different hero's hat turned you into that hero, so having that hat stolen meant losing whatever abilities you could access at the moment.

You! Go annoy somebody else!

10. The topography of the Mushroom Kingdom
From New Super Mario Bros. U.
A series can’t go thirty-plus years without accumulating a bunch of inconsistencies. That’s why the Simpsons canon is so messed up nowadays. Video games taking place over areas of various types indicate an explorer-type hero. Mario sees grasslands, deserts, waters, isles of giants, icebergs, the skies, even pipe mazes and Hell itself, but it’s only in that precise order in one game. No game in the massive franchise has exactly the same layout for the Mushroom Kingdom. The topography always differs. Mind you, I’m probably the only one annoyed by this, and I’m not even good at geography. It also shows up in the multiple games that aren’t platformers. It’s ultimately understandable, but it certainly does make for one mess of a map in the end, when every world keeps changing place, or appearing/disappearing at will…

9. All the flight items
You'd think the hat would just fly off his head, leaving him
stranded on the ground. "Come back here!"
One issue that has been bugging me a lot lately in the Mario series is how, when it comes to power-ups, the games just can’t settle on a single item for flight. Granted, every flight item seems to have a different secondary ability. I do, however, kind of wished they’d settle on one instead of jumping around. The Super Leaf did let Mario strike enemies by spinning his tail… except the cape did the same, one platform game later. But then again, the Tanuki leaf let Mario turn to stone for a moment. And the cape could be used to bounce mid-air, and sometimes do miniature earthquakes. The Winged Cap had endless flight as long as you knew how to hover. The Red Star in Super Mario Galaxy had one ability: You could stop mid-flight to change direction, like that makes sense. As for Odyssey, Mario just had to capture any flying enemy that wasn’t already wearing a hat. Just… Pick one and stick to it, dagnabbit!

The cape is pretty fun.
And if you learn to glide, you can skip huge areas!

8. Bowser’s size
Whoa Bowser1 How did you get so large?
Did you eat all your crusts?
More inconsistencies! A lot of studios, for animated films and video games alike, tend to keep some sort of chart that indicates the sizes of characters. Makes it simpler to compare, contrast, and not change the size of any character accidentally during the animation of a scene. The Mario franchise has been going for a long while, and Nintendo just can’t seem to decide what Bowser’s actual size is. Sometimes he’s just a bit taller than tall Mario. Other times he’s twice the size of the tall Mario, and sometimes he’s even bigger. Make up your mind goddammit! Granted, maybe he suffers from the Ant-Man syndrome. Went around changing size so often he just can’t remember what his usual height is.

7. Too much Bowser
Here, have a happy dancing Bowser.
Speaking of the grand antagonist of the franchise… how about we change that tune once in a while? I’ve got nothing against the guy, Bowser is a delightfully complex character when you dig past the simple motivations he has in platform games, and check for his more developed self in the various RPGs. Unfortunately, it’s like the franchise just can’t make a game without him somewhere. I get it, he’s important. I’d love some variety from time to time, especially when it comes to platform games where he’s been the big bad for an overwhelming majority of games. Sometimes it’s his son. The Mario games in other genres (mostly RPGs) shake it up with new villains but always feel forced to add him in somehow. Even the crossover between Paper Mario and Mario & Luigi had TWO Bowsers. I’ll go back to Luigi’s Mansion, I guess… Oh wait no, he's referenced in there too!

6. The Blue Shell
Geting too easy?
I'm coming for you.
While I don’t dislike the Mario Kart sub-franchise, I understand many of the complaints people have towards it. This is a racing series we love, yet we also love to hate it. I’m still not over the overpowered AI in Mario Kart DS. Of course, most items available in a race have their justifications. The Blue Shell is, obviously, the item that makes the game never too easy even for a good player: By seeking out the person in first place and leaving them stranded in place for a second or two, others can take the lead. See, it’s an understandable item, competition-wise. Nobody likes a game that becomes too easy. But at the same time, this thing has been the burden of every completionist, every person playing the game alone, and every person that plays the game with friends and has the poor luck of always having others getting that damn spiky monster. I’m ranting, but ultimately it’s only number 6 because it’s not the biggest complaint I have about the series, by far.

5. “Underground Monkeys”
This is the name of a trope, because I use TVTropes way too often. The phrase commonly refers to any enemy design that is replicated within a series. Turns out, inventing new enemies is difficult! It’s frequently easier to introduce new variations of existing creatures than to build new ones from scratch. And of course, throughout its History, the Mario franchise has made great use of this. It started with green-shelled Koopas, which would fall off ledges, and red-shelled ones, which were smart enough not to send themselves to their deaths. That was all. Combine the accumulation of platform games and RPGs with the constant need to make new enemies and reinvent old ones, and you’ve got more versions of all the classic enemies than you can count. I like to use the Mario Wiki for some wiki-diving at times, and I’m still flabbergasted at the number of Piranha Plant types. To say nothing of the dozens of different Goombas, the dozens of Koopa Troopas… most Hammer Bro variations are just given a different weapon… Then again, when it comes to creating new enemies, we may also just end up with… those things. Which are literally just a rectangle that stretches its neck.

Oh, and this one also has two more
variants in Super Paper Mario.
Yes, really.

4. So many under-developed characters!
Whereas RPGs set a lot of focus on story, platformers put the gameplay forward and tend to keep the story basic. As such, characters confined to the platform games and, sometimes, the spin-offs won’t be seeing quite as much character development. Wario has WarioWare, Mario remain relatively simple… Luigi, Bowser and Peach have become quite complex over time. What about Waluigi? Daisy? We know a lot about Rosalina, but although she’s being featured in more and more games we’re still missing a lot of elements. I kind of dream of a Mario RPG in which all of those, and even more secondary characters, get a chance to show off new personality traits in a story that allows for such.

3. Dumb character rosters in spin-offs
Did we really need a golden Peach to drive a car?
I’ve got nothing against seeing the common Mario characters in spin-off rosters. The brothers, the princesses, the greedy mischievous cousins, the big turtle-dragon and his family. Of course. The various baddies of the franchise? Sure, why not. I will never understand how a Goomba may be wielding a bat, but hey, if they can make it work… I also don’t quite see why a Blooper would play a board game, but hey, whatever floats their boat. There’s three dozen enemies and Koopalings they can stick in there, along with the others, so I suppose it’s not that bad, but even then, it just feels like a lot of armless/legless baddies could just cheat at many sports. Then we get to the Mario Babies. They’re frequently the Pichu of the spin-offs. And there’s more and more of them! Not to mention all the paradoxes of having Baby Rosalina around! And frequently, the babies don’t bring much to the table. Oh, and after those... Metal Mario? Pink Gold Peach? Come on now. Go home roster makers, you’re trying too hard.


2. The princess still. Gets. Kidnapped.
Surely an alarm system can’t be that expensive in the Mushroom Kingdom! Being the first platform game to employ it, Super Mario Bros. detains the grandfather clause of the princess getting taken away by the villain in video games. Thirty-three years later, it still uses the trope regularly. To the point of parody. To the point where most people are kind of sick of it, in fact. Hell, I’m sick of it. Admittedly, in recent years Princess Peach has become a playable character in quite a few titles, and Nintendo has tried to put new spins on the concept – in Super Mario Odyssey, as an example. However, still far too often it boils down to the same princess getting kidnapped by the same villain, or that villain possessed by some entity. Would it hurt to not have a story that ultimately results into a kidnapping for once? The Mario franchise innovates at every chance it gets when it comes to gameplay. It’s time to innovate more when it comes to stories.

1. Still no Waluigi game?
That’s just unforgivable. Waluigi has existed for now 18 years within the Mario canon, and only in spin-off series no less. Sure, he has all the best themed stages as well as the best victory poses…


If Deadpool can have two good movies,
Waluigi can have at least one good game.
But despite all that, this fan favorite has never had a chance to star in a game of his own or, Hell, in any game that isn’t a spin-off. Confined forever to parties, karting, baseball, what have you. But platform games? The best we got is the Waluigi clothing Mario can wear in Odyssey, that’s about it. RPGs? Nope! In fact, even Wario is nowhere to be seen in them! In fact, I would love a Mario & Luigi game that also features the Wario brothers! Sounds like the sort of crazy concept that sub-series normally loves to pull off. A Waluigi solo game? Luigi has had his own. And there are many fan games featuring the dude in purple. It’s possible! They should get to it. ASAP.

And so… well, this concludes another list. Soon will be the time for another movie review, and then… something big.

But you need to be warned, I'll be taking a short hiatus in order to get this done.

April 2, 2017

New Real Life Stuff

Hello everyone! As the title may have clued you in, there are things I must discuss. It's about this blog and my current situation.

The good news is, I found a new job! I work almost 40 hours a week at a gas station, mostly night shifts. However, as you may guess, this also happens to be changing quite a bit my habits. Working at night and sleeping during the morning, that's something I'm slowly getting used to, but it also causes a few changes.

For the moment, don't worry, this blog isn't affected. The advantage of working at night is that I've got plenty of time during the afternoons and evenings to play games and write. I do have some time for myself. I won't exactly slow-down on writing my reviews, nor will I slow down on publishing them here - no "Posting only on Fridays, no more on Mondays" deal. At least, not yet. I've built up a pretty long buffer of reviews lately, I've got some stuff written almost 6 weeks ahead of time.

Let's hope it stays that way - that my job doesn't hamper my reviewing schedule. Keep in mind that I need to write every review, then spellcheck it and add images - that last one can be a pretty long process too. But don't worry, Planned All Along isn't stopping.

On this, I say thank you for reading the blog, and... again, I,m so sorry for this year's April Fools special.

February 3, 2017

Worst 12 Gimmick Pokémon


Alright, let’s stay on the topic of Pokémon. It is one of the easiest franchises to make lists about, after all. I have countless times in the past declared that I love this franchise, and I do. There has, however, always been something that bugged me with Pokémon and every new generation: Gimmick Pokémon.

Shuckle's gimmick is that it has some of the highest
numbers in both defense stats, but abysmal attack
stats and HP, making it very difficult to use. Many
strategies aroundit involve switching its stats
around or making complex combos to make it
more viable.
Okay, so let’s be clear: Most Pokémon have gimmicks, or grew and changed throughout the Generations to gain a gimmick. Some have special moves, some have special abilities since the third Generation. It’s like some were meant to suck and started sub-par compared to the others, and never really improved. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I get that not every Pokémon can be a tournament-worthy killing machine. It hasn’t stopped some gimmick Pokémon from having a gimmick that made them perfectly deadly and destructive in their own right. Not all gimmick Pokémon have this chance. There are various types of gimmick: Plot-based, appearance-based, form-based, ability-based, moveset-based, myth-based... I have examples of all of those.

Some Pokémon were given a gimmick that lasted all of one Generation, only to be forgotten by the next. Some simply have horrible stats that wouldn’t make them viable for serious matches. Others are more viable in combat but there’s still that gimmick that follows them around, that annoys some players about the very existence of these Pokémon. Here, I am listing the 12 gimmicky Pokémon that I consider the worst. I will probably make a Top 12 list to counterbalance this someday… just not right now, enough discussing Pokémon for a bit after this list. As a note, I am also not including Pokémon that are weak and have nothing to help them, unless it’s tied into the gimmick. Okay, we’re counting down! (P.S. This list may contain spoilers from the newest games)

12. Slaking
Type of gimmick: Ability-based
Note how this is the only ability that this
Pokémon can ever have at the moment.
Starting off with a Pokémon whose gimmick still makes it a little viable, if you’re lucky. Slakoth and Slaking are Gen 3 Pokémon with their sole ability being Truant. This ability makes them attack one turn and do nothing the next. You’ll notice that this list contains a few Pokémon whose Ability is what makes them gimmicky, often without good reason. To compensate, Slaking has stats that rival most Legendary Pokémon, a whopping 670 base stats total (just 10 below version mascots)! As a result, Slaking is a beast on the field, as long as you can accept that it takes some time off between attacks. Christ, even Snorlax isn’t that lazy. Oh, it’s possible to set up some strategies to bypass that, but it’s probably too much work for a Pokémon that isn’t all that worth it. Same could be said for Regigigas and its ability Slow Start, which halve its Attack and Speed for its first five turns on the field. As if having the same Pokémon for five turns on the field, that’s a common thing to happen in competitive battling…

11. Durant
Type of gimmick: Concept-based
Looks all menacing, but its reason to
exist is to get its ass whooped by
Heatmor.
Some Pokémon seem to exist solely for plot, or because the team at Game Freak wanted to make a point about the Pokémon universe. One of them is Durant, a Bug/Steel ant from Gen 5. It’s actually okay on paper (if you forget that you can catch one with its Hidden Ability… Truant, what the fuck). However, it exists for one reason only: To get beat up by Heatmor, the previous Pokémon in the Dex, a Fire-type anteater. Durant has a 4X weakness to Fire-type attacks. Seldom-seen used by Trainers who’ll prefer better Bug/Steel Pokémon (such as Scizor), ignored for other reasons as well… Yeah. Hell, Gen 5 had a better Bug/Steel Pokémon in Escavalier. Thus is the Durant’s life. It would be seen in Gen ‘s Horde Battles, usually as four Durant against one Heatmor, explaining the Pokédex descriptions that state that this Pokémon attacks in groups. That still makes it a victim of its plot-based gimmick, since its entire point is to be Heatmor food.

10. Kecleon
Type of gimmick: Ability-based
It was also a gimmick in Gen 3 as an
invisible barrier, for some reason.
Here’s another that can be viable if used correctly. Kecleon is the only Pokémon to possess the Ability Color Change, which changes its current type to that of the last move it was hit by. Like a lot of things in life, this is a blessing and a curse. Human opponents tend to be smarter than AI opponents, so they can use this to their advantage. First by changing the Keckleon to a type, then using a move that is super effective against that type (Ghost and Dragon work well, since they’re also weak to themselves). Some Kecleon may have the Hidden Ability Protean, which changes their type to the type of the last attack they used – which is a little better but not necessarily by much, especially because of Kecleon’s very sub-par stats. At least you get more control on which type you want your Kecleon to be – but it’s still not always enough.

9. Phione
Type of gimmick: Myth-based
The not-so-legendary baby...
...the proud, Legendary mommy.
Manaphy is the only Legendary Pokémon capable of breeding. Whether you like it or not, that counts as a gimmick. However, like most Legendary Pokémon, Manaphy has great stats. Its baby Phione, however, it’s another story. Being the only possible baby of a Legendary Pokémon, whether you like it or not, Phione is also a gimmick Pokémon. How gimmicky that may be in regard to gameplay, that’s up for discussion. Phione has 80 in all stats, which makes it just okay across the board, with 480 as base stats total. That makes it viable in combat, but not as good as many others. Its ability, Hydration, is okay, but nothing more. In the end, it’s another of those Pokémon that would be unceremoniously called “filler” by completionists… much like most other baby Pokémon introduced in Generations 2 to 4, all Pokémon with weak stats evolving through friendship or similar means, often obtainable only through breeding. Phione is the pinnacle of those.

8. Chatot
Type of gimmick: Moveset-based
Polly wants a mirophone -
It was taken away from him!
Some Pokémon have a signature ability that makes them special. Others have one or two signature moves that no other Pokémon has – or these moves are learned by very few other Pokémon. Some Pokémon have gimmicks that do weird things, often breaking the fourth wall. Inkay evolves into Malamar on Level 30 and only if the Nintendo 3DS is flipped upside down; good luck getting THAT to work if that Pokémon ever has to evolve in a non-portable console that can’t be flipped. Generation 4’s Chatot is another example. For a single-stage Pokémon, it has barely correct stats – which, alright, equipped with the right moves, it can still become a threat. Let’s be honest here, even gimmick Pokémon are at least usable on a casual, non-competitive level, as long as you can get them the best stuff they can use. Chatot’s gimmick is the signature move Chatter. In Generations 4 and 5, you were able to record your own voice clip into the Nintendo DS, and Chatot would distort and yell that clip, possibly confusing the target opponent Pokémon. However, if there’s one thing humans are good for, it’s ruining things with vulgarity. Nintendo made the mistake of allowing players to customize vehicles in Mario Kart DS by drawing a picture in a square of pixels – and, lo and behold, the game was soon invaded by pixelated genitalia. It must have been awesome to have a Pokémon yell “Motherfucker!” at the opponent… but Pokémon’s general E rating tends to disagree, so the feature was taken out... removing most of Chatot’s gimmick. See, that’s the problem with gimmicks on Pokémon. When they’re removed, a Pokémon loses the one reason for which it was created.

7. Farfetch’d
Type of gimmick: Concept-based
It's a shame this Pok.mon was in Gen 1,
if it was from a later Gen it might
have been revealed by Game Freak...
Through a leak.
Leak, leek, geddit?
Let’s all agree that creating Pokémon that suck “because why not” is a terrible idea. Game Freak, when building each new Generation, grabs inspiration from real-life animals – especially weird or unexpected ones – but also folk tales, legends, myths… and expressions. Spoink’s Pearls before swine, anyone? Even Magikarp was based on the legend of carps turning into dragons, were they to leap over the Dragon Gate. Farfetch’d isn’t so lucky. Its existence is based on the Japanese proverb “A duck comes bearing green onions”, meaning a strange coincidence. In Gen 1, it could only be received through trading. Starting with Gen 2, it could now be found in the wild, albeit with its same poor stats. Gen 6 applied the “coincidence” aspect a little more, having Farfetch’d as a Pokémon you can again receive through a trade, one that is super effective against the next Gym, which featured Bug-type Pokémon. It has lately become a Pokémon centered on scoring critical hits frequently through a combination of moves and held items, but its stats are still poor and every other fully-evolved Normal/Flying Pokémon out there is better than this guy. Even Chatot. And it appears that Game Freak doesn’t want to give the little guy an evolution or anything. Oh well.

6. Spinda
Type of gimmick: Appearance- and moveset-based
♪♫You spin me right round, baby
right round, like a record baby
right round round round...♪♫
Some Pokémon have gimmicks that will never go away. It’s like a part of their design – literally so with Spinda. This red panda Pokémon is special, in that every Pokémon game uses a special algorithm to set the red spots on its head and ears – leading to over four billion possible combinations. In other words, you will likely never meet two Spinda who look exactly the same – unless you clone them, you darn cheater. It’s also constantly moving in place, in a constant state of dizziness and confusion (its entire moveset seems to be based around those), with piss-poor stats to top it all off. Yep, not content with having one gimmick, Spinda has two! It’s been worthless since Gen 3, and has mostly remained worthless since… well, don’t quote me on that, but apparently there’s something to be done with a Spinda, the move Skill Swap, its Hidden Ability Contrary (which decreases the Pokémon’s stat if it uses a stat-enhancing move, and vice-versa), and a Pokémon that should lose some points in its Attack stat after using very powerful attacks… But outside of that very particular situation, Spinda is still mostly useless.

5. Castform
Type of gimmick: Form-, Ability- and Moveset-based
It's like most of the worst things about
gimmick Pokémon, all rolled up into
one.
Weather was introduced in the second Generation, and as with every new major gameplay element, we needed our own themed Pokémon, right? I mean, it’s not like Groudon, Kyogre and Rayquaza were enough when Gen 3 arrived! Thus we get Castform, a little creature whose entire idea is “Cause a weather effect, change to that weather’s type, use special attack”. Okay, so, here’s a breakdown of what’s wrong with this Pokémon.
-Using the weather effect move takes a turn, which is already difficult if you’re encountering an opponent.
-Weather effects only last 5 turns, so you’ll have to use one again soon.
-Castform’s type changes to Water under rain, Fire under harsh sunlight, Ice under hail. That’s it. First off, this means that Castform gains that type’s strengths and weaknesses. Second, it doesn’t have a form for one of the most common overworld weathers, sandstorm.
-Castform re-loses the new typing when the weather ends.
-Its attack that changes type, Weather Ball, has only 10 PP, so even if you were able to use it for a while, you would run out very quickly – even if its PP are increased to its maximum 16. If you have the three weather-changing moves in his arsenal and Weather Ball, that also makes it Castform’s only way to defend itself.
-Its ability is Forecast, the one thing that lets it transform in the first place, and it has no other, better ability (Hidden or not) that would be more useful.
-It looks like a ball with a face over a pair of the other kind of balls.
-Oh, and Castform’s stats are crap to start with.
In Pokémon Sun and Moon, Game Freak at least tried to add something interesting to the concept by having it pop up only when weather effects are used during SOS battles. However… this can also summon other weather-related Pokémon sometimes, like Poliwhirl, Goomy, Vanillite or Gabite, all of which are better than Castform in every freaking way. Big thumb-down for this Pokémon of little use.

4. Luvdisc
Type of gimmick: Plot-based
Awwwww, it's so cute! Let's kill
it and steal its treasure!
Ah, yes… That well of suckiness. You knew this was coming. Luvdisc was created in Gen 3 for a single reason: Heart scales. This new item was a revolution in the franchise, allowing some Pokémon to re-learn moves they had learned previously but lost… as long as you could give that item to a Move Relearner somewhere in the region. This turned out to be extremely interesting, and even allowed some Pokémon to learn some of the moves they can learn and forget on Level 1. We could now access those through the Move Relearner and the Heart Scales. Only downside? It’s a held item on this crappy Pokémon in the wild, a Pokémon with horrible base stats, a Pokémon that has seen no considerable improvement since its creation. In fact, heart scales became even more common starting in Gen 5, making this Pokémon even MORE useless. I’m not even sure what else to say about it, honestly. That’s an awful gimmick and an awful idea overall. But hey, guess we did need some way to explain why those damn Heart Scales exist… And yes, I am one of those “Luvdisc should evolve into Alomomola” type of guy.

3. Cosmog and Cosmoem
Type of gimmick: Plot- and myth-based
(Nebby "Pew-Pew" ["Get-In-The-****ing-Bag"] Cosmog...
,,,The second.
The first one has already reached its final form.) 
MAJOR SPOILERS HERE. Take Magikarp Power, then turn the dial up to 11- No, wait, turn it up to 111. Cosmog has a very important role in the plot of Pokémon Sun and Moon. Its status as a creature able to open rifts towards the Ultra Beasts’ dimension, its status as a technical Ultra Beast, its cosmic appearance, and its omnipresence in the plot as Lillie’s companion (“Get in the bag Nebby!”), make it quite the notable creature. However, Cosmog learns no offensive or defensive moves whatsoever, having only Splash and Teleport to rely on (while even Magikarp learns Tackle at Level 15!). It’s also one of the lightest Pokémon of all, weighing 0.2 lbs. At Level 43, it becomes Cosmoem, which has greatly improved Defense and Special Defense, but still no way to fight at all – it gains the move Cosmic Power, which increases its defenses even more, making it basically a stone wall to put in place while you’re healing your other Pokémon. Cosmoem is also one of the two heaviest Pokémon to exist, at 2204.4 lbs., tied with Celesteela, also from Gen 7. The only saving grace is that, at Level 53, Cosmoem evolves into Solgaleo in Pokémon Sun, and into Lunala in Pokémon Moon, the mascot Legendaries of the generation and formidable beasts – more formidable than Gyarados, Milotic or even School Form Wishiwashi. All it took was ultra-long, painful EXP farming!
Never mind the fact that Lillie was perfectly able to carry
around in her bag officially one of the two heaviest
Pokémon in existence. That it floats in place is not
good enough of an explanation.
I consider them gimmick Pokémon for two reasons:
-They are the first to evolve into a Legendary Pokémon, which was never seen before;
-And they evolve differently depending on the version, which was also never seen before Gen 7, a gimmick also used by Rockruff when it becomes Midday or Midnight Lycanroc. I take issue with that one in particular because it doesn’t explain how, exactly, any of these Pokémon will evolve when the next games come in and they’re not Pokémon Sun or Moon. Will they evolve based on the time of day? Will they be given arbitrarily one version of the new games in which they’ll evolve into one or the other? Long story short, I am not a fan of version-exclusive evolution.
-Hell, to some extent, the change from being among the lightest Pokémon to turning into one of the heaviest Pokémon may as well be a gimmick too.
These two are a burden until they reach Level 53, with nothing to save them until their evolution into Solgaleo or Lunala. In the seventh Generation, which had tons of gimmick Pokémon, those are among the worst. Good thing they are Legendaries in disguise, huh?

2. Delibird
Type of gimmick: Moveset- and concept-based
It does feel like this Pokémon was created while
the developers were drunk. And look at that, like
a particularly bad mistake made while drunk,
they're now living every Generation with the
terrible consequences.
I like to imagine a few Game Freak employees during their Holiday party, after a couple drinks, going, “You know what would be funny? Creating the worst Pokémon ever.”
“We already have plans for it, they’re called Unown.”
“No- *hips!* I mean, the worst. Like, worst of the worst. Not even the mythos of the Pokémon world could save it. See what I mean?”
“I would love to pull that sort of prank on the enormous fanbase of our most famous series, but we’re gonna be stuck with that decision for a long time! We need something smart!”
“No worries. I got that idea of a Pokémon based on Santa… sorta… *hips!*”
Thus Delibird was born. One of the biggest jokes in Gen 2, where all it could learn was Present, an attack that dealt varying damage at random (40, 80 or 120 base damage)… and, 1/5th of the time, would actually HEAL the opponent. The only way to make it even slightly viable was through TMs and HMs, at a time where TMs had only one use, and most of them couldn’t be bought again once gone. Nowadays, since TMs don’t disappear, you can actually give Delibird many good Ice- and Flying-type moves, and it can also learn more good moves through breeding. However, its base stat total is still 330, thus still utterly awful. Don’t expect this guy to be seen anywhere in the teams of serious players… Thanks, Game Freak, for the second most useless Pokémon of all… Only surpassed by…

1. Unown
Type of gimmick: Myth- and concept-based
Well, I foreshadowed them in the previous entry. There’s 28 different Unown. All they ever learn is Hidden Power, an attack with a secret type which, until recently, you couldn’t learn about until you battled enough Pokémon in the wild. They can’t be taught any other moves through TMs, HMs, or any other method. Unown have a base stat total of 336, barely better than Delibird. The only ability they can ever learn is Levitate, which just protects them from Ground-type attacks. That’s something, I guess, but they have nothing more useful. They are an intricate part of the Pokémon mythos, involved in the Arceus’s ritual when he creates another Dialga, Palkia or Giratina, and they are also implied to have ties with other legends of that world. They are the true villains in the most memorable (and, in my opinion, best) Pokémon movie, where they were frequently shown as all-CGI to highlight their eldritch nature. But they’re shit. Only good for the collection and nothing else. Oh yeah, sure, they can hold their own for a very short time, but let’s say I wouldn’t cash in on beating the Elite 4 with a full team of those. These are the worst Pokémon to exist. In my wildest dreams, I could imagine them having some bonus in-battle based on how many Unown are in your team, and a full team of Unown could be more viable – in stats, at least – but like Farfetch’d or Delibird, these were never meant to be viable, so we’ll never see those awesome possibilities.

There's nothing to be scared of!
It only had Hidden Power and crappy stats!
Just whack it with the closest blunt object, you'll be fine!

This concludes my list! I would like to say that, despite what I’ve said in the article so far, I have nothing against gimmick Pokémon. I am however sad when a Pokémon loses its gimmick when we move to a new Generation, or when a Pokémon’s gimmick is a hindrance to its usefulness or turns it into a joke. To end on a more positive note, here are some other Pokémon with gimmicks that are either appreciated by the community, actually useful in a team, or with something that greatly helps them.
Waa-bah-bah! Wobuffet spoke
Rabbid before the Rabbids existed.
-Wynaut and Wobbuffet: The masters of the counterstrike, a pain in the ass to fight against, which just proves how powerful they are. All they need is their four best moves.
-Smeargle: One of the Pokémon with the poorest stats overall, but able to learn practically any attack through its Sketch attack. If it learns a set of powerful attacks, it can pass them on, and help the rest of the team.
-Shedinja: Immune to all but 5 types thanks to Wonder Guard, against the right opponents Shedinja can attack at will and never be defeated. Its stats are poor, and it takes some time learning to use strategies that benefit its 1HP status, but it has the potential to become incredible.
Christ, this thing is ugly.
You can fish out a Magikarp
almost anywhere - this thing
is mighty rare.
-Feebas: The only Pokémon that ever had to evolve through max beauty, which is extremely annoying. Unfortunately (or fortunately) lost its gimmick in later Gens, where it could then evolve by being traded with a Prism Scale; but it becomes Milotic, so it isn’t all that bad. I wished it wasn’t that friggin’ rare though.
-Rotom: An awesome gimmick that changes it Ghost-type to one of 5 different types. The one annoying thing about it is that, now, every main series game needs a room with the appliances Rotom uses to transform.
-Deerling and Sawsbuck: Correct Pokémon, but they were created for the seasonal gimmick of Gen 5, which was dropped in Gen 6. To have all 4 versions of Deerling and Sawsbuck, you need to catch one of each in Gen 5 and transfer them to the new games. Another Pokémon that lost its reason to exist when its gimmick stopped being used…
-Zoroark: One of the most special abilities, and a very good Pokémon to use it. Not much else to say, Zoroark is awesome.
So much pink - so much
potential.
-Sylveon: The only Pokémon to evolve through Pokémon-Amie, and thankfully, that’s one feature that will likely come back in every next Generation, so we’re likely never gonna lose our ticket from a cute Eevee to an even cuter Sylveon.
-Oricorio: Stats that are merely correct, but its transformation between four different sets of types is what makes this bird interesting. You can carry one in your team and adapt it to the next opponent you’ll encounter!
-Wishiwashi: That’s Magikarp Power turned to 11. Starts off with the official lowest base stat total at 175, but at Level 20 becomes, through its ability, a monstrous beast with a base stat total of 620 as long as its Hit Points are over 25%. It’s a good Pokémon that probably takes some strategy to use correctly, but it’s much better than many Pokémon on this Worst 12 list, due to the low base stats totals, weak concepts, shallow movepools or weakening abilities some of those happened to have.

You can disagree with me on any of those, but some of them are better than the ones on this list, that’s for sure.

Okay, this was a very long list, but I’m happy with the end result. I hope you enjoyed reading this. Is there a gimmick Pokémon that you believe should have been discussed here? Feel free to comment!


Next week… Hm… Probably a film or a TV show.

October 21, 2016

Top 12 Creepy Nintendo Locations

Alright, so, quite some time ago, I discussed the 12 moments in Nintendo series that scared me the most, I’ll be honest, most of those moments actually touched on primal fears, ones that I have, but ones that anybody can relate to; and that was the strength of many of these scenes. It's agreat thing about many Nintendo titles that. either in the story in the ambiance they try to convey, they attempt to scare, or feature scenarios that call to one’s fears.

Although, most examples I gave back then were actually about the story in the games discussed. Some of those points were about ambiance, but not many. And yet, ambiance is one of the most important elements in the production of any work of fiction. The looks of a place and the music that can be heard in it. The events that happen in it are amplified by these elements. That’s why it’s so important to not only feature a good story, but to also have the accompanying ambiance. You can’t just slap a scary place somewhere and expect it to do the job! It’s an exercise in subtlety where a game’s developers have to build up the suspense, the dread, sometimes with implications that the player may not pick on. And that’s before anything plot-relevant happens!

As an homage to the art of ambiance, today I am listing 12 of the creepiest Nintendo locations – and why they deserve this spot on the list.

12. Ripple Star (Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards)
RememberÉ: You're pretty much inside the swarm of
Dark Matters.
Starting with a Kirby location! While researching for this list, I noticed Kirby had a lot of scary final bosses, but very few locations that were outright scary. Ripple Star is another story. Imagine the easy first level of the game, except instead of taking place in a grassland with a nice sand walkway, it’s… well, basically Hell. The floor is red, made of these weird unnatural hexagons. The sky is completely black. In fact, is that even a sky, we can’t really tell; if anything, all this blackness is actually Dark Matter blocking the entire sky. The music in Ripple Star 6-2 is horrible, closer to noise than an actual melody, and you will rush through just to make the maddening composition end. The place is so barren, too; say what you want about World 8 in Super Mario Bros 3, but it was full of enemies and interesting traps. The lack of danger between Kirby and the final boss is probably the scariest; it’s like the boss wants Kirby to easily get to him…

July 20, 2016

Pokémon Go: Have Some ******* Common Sense

The new Pokémon craze is here, and it’s taken over the lives of millions of people. I can see why, Pokémon Go is a very interesting idea with a lot of potential, and it finally gives kids and adults a reason to go play outside. I can’t complain about Pokémon Go’s qualities. I can, however, complain about the many, many defects it has. I would have discussed the extreme storing of data that the app used to do, keeping track of even the last website visited by someone on the phone, and the many, MANY things it could learn about the user thanks to a complete access to the player’s Google account. Both these problems have been solved. What hasn’t been solved is the app’s tendency to crash in certain zones after you’ve tossed a Pokéball, the overabundance of Pidgey, Weedle and Rattata, and the rarity of Pokémon, Pokéstops and Gyms in some suburbs (including mine). I also think its paying options demand too much real money and give not enough Pokécoins for what you pay (in Canada, anyway; due to conversion rates, that 14500 Pokécoins pack you can buy at 100$ in the US costs 135$ here). Honestly, I don’t think it’s all that fantastic an app; it has caused me to rage more often that it has made me joyful.

May 13, 2016

My Top 12 Criticisms On Gaming

I was at first wishing to do something a little more joyful, but then I decided to go the other way. I assume that if you read this blog, you’re interested in video games, right? I mean, you’re probably a fan of Nintendo and whatnot, and maybe you also know a lot about the other consoles in the great console battle. That’s what I assume, anyway. And so, it is likely that you’ve run into a number of trends in game development, or in gaming in general, that you simply cannot stand. You see a game use any of these and you just go “Urghhhhhh… again?” Or worse even, what was up to that point a good game becomes intolerable in your eyes. These are the gaming clichés that have worn out their welcome, the missions that annoy the players rather than encourage then, the characters who serve no purpose… we’ve all run into stuff like that. The good games may contain a few instances of these gaming tropes, the bad games may contain dozens of them.

Obviously, my gaming experience will taint this Top 12, so if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you might know a few of my pet peeves. I will try to remove most tropes related to storytelling, as those can be found in just about any story, beyond the realm of video games. However, everything else is fair game; game development, gaming communities, trends, gameplay elements… I’ll try to keep the rage to a minimum. But I’m sure you’ll agree with me on more than a few elements on this list. Hell, you could basically consider this list “12 common complaints directed at video games, that I’ve seen, and that annoy me, ranked from what I consider the least bad to what I consider the worst”. Obviously that title would have been too long for Blogger. Remember that these are my opinions, you’re free to disagree; Heck, if you’ve got something in video games that really annoys you, and it’s not on the list, feel free to discuss it in the comments! In fact, please do, I want to hear what irks you in gaming today. Alright, let’s get this started.

12. Rubber-band AI
How it is supposed to work.
A problem that mostly applies to racing games and mini-games. When it comes to racing games, I’m very much in a “love it or hate it” mindset, many factors can tip the balance of my opinion. I know for a fact that AI, in video games, is very difficult to program, and thus there’s always a chance of having something too easy or too difficult for a human player to go against. Rubber-band AI is the practice in which the AI of CPU opponents in a sport game is programmed in such a way that in case of potential defeat against the player, these opponents will become harder, better, faster, stronger… and smarter.
The problem with this method is that there has to be this fine balance that very few games actually get right; when faced with possible defeat, the adversaries either stay relatively weak, or become so persistent and dangerous that you become the hopeless one. You know, I don’t mind when this practice is fair. However, some games combine this with what is called “cheating”, which computers can very easily do against human opponents (a particularly blatant example is in many Mario Kart games, where karts who are about to lose often reach impossible speeds or take impossible shortcuts if that means beating the player). Rubber-band AI is not supposed to feel like the computer is cheating. It's meant to add difficulty without having to resort to cheap tactics, the idea is to have the CPU opponents act like human players do when they don’t want to lose; they give their all. That doesn't equate to cheating, human players who are about to lose don't suddenly gain infinite mushrooms or get inexplicably faster! Rubberband AI can be done well. I just don’t see it done well very often.

September 21, 2015

Pokémon X&Y: Why Team Flare's Plan Sucks

So, I bought Pokémon X about four weeks ago. Great game. I might review it sometimes later. The gameplay is awesome, Pokémon-Amie is a lot of fun, I love a lot of the new species, I’m slightly warming up to Mega Evolutions (but very very very very very slightly; I at least went through the troubles of getting all the Mega Stones and use all the Mega Evolutions once in battle), and it’s probably the first Pokémon game in which I complete the Pokédex since the third Generation. Which, since it has almost twice as many Pokémon as there were back then, is quite the achievement. But there is one thing that annoys me: Team Flare.

Those outfits are so ugly.
You'd have to pay me to wear these.
Not that they'd fit on me, anyway.

Now, don’t get me wrong. They’re a creative group of villains; their leader, Lysandre, desires to keep the world in perpetual stasis and become immortal at the same time (in Pokémon X, anyway). Oh, and only members of his Team Flare will survive in this world, along with a few species of Pokémon. See, Lysandre starts off with honorable intentions; with the increasing population of the world and the decreasing number of resources, eventually a large part of mankind, and numerous species of Pokémon, will have to go, “if we want everyone to have enough resources”. *cough*bullshit*cough* So yeah, Lysandre’s plan is to trigger a genocide with an ancient superweapon that would annihilate every human in Kalos (and the rest of the world) who isn’t himself or a member of Team Flare, as well as many species of Pokémon living in the wilderness. Talk about extreme, huh? Considering the sheer number of similarities with the Nazis (which is kind of an obvious comparison, seeing as these games take place in the Poké-World version of Europe), it makes me wonder if the first Pokémon species they get rid of is Nosepass and Probopass. It also makes me wonder if Lysandre wasn’t a liberal arts major before helping Professor Sycamore… Okay, I try to lighten the mood with jokes here, because the rest of this article will be very dark.

But Lysandre’s plans suffer from plenty of problems. More than I can count, actually. First off, their Team, despite definitely becoming a threat after the seventh Gym in the game, is taken as a joke by most Kalosians. What's more, the only thing that even links Lysandre to Team Flare by that point is his flaming hair and his long-winded passionate diatribes that oddly enough seem to say just what the Flare grunts encountered so far seemed to imply. And even up to that point, Team Flare’s plans seemed just… weak. Like they were just looking for more money to pull off their bigger plans. Like an even lamer version of Team Rocket. Then again, I can probably understand why the Flares want to make money; after all, they had to shell out 5 million Pokédollars to join Team Flare…