So, Mario’s team finds a pillar in Flopside and places the sixth Pure Heart. Only two to go! The group opens the way to the sixth world, Sammer’s Kingdom! Nolrem warns the heroes, however: In Sammer’s Kingdom, they must defeat 100 opponents, and only then will they get the next Pure Heart. The Sammers are a test of strength.
That's a big Sammer, but he's nowhere as big as that Void in the background and this sword of Damocles over their heads. Let me pass, damnit! |
I rather like this level because it’s difficult and
challenging, but I don’t like how repetitive it is. Well, okay, for such a
challenge that’s pretty much an obligation, but still… one of the reasons why I
like it is that all the Sammer Guys, all 100 of them, have separate
personalities, different names (looking for all those references is FUN!), and
many of them have different designs. Some have swords, others have maces, some
are normal-sized, some are tiny, some are big, some have spikes on their heads,
others don’t, some can flip between dimensions, others can’t… It’s very
enjoyable. It almost makes up for how repetitive it is.
After Sammer Guy #20 is defeated, the Void behind
grows a bit bigger. Bleck appears out of thin air to mock the heroes yet again.
However, he gets into an argument with Tippi on the value of things, on the
life of all that is, on the heart. When replying, Bleck drops that everything
is meaningless to him, because he lost a certain… Timpani.
…Bleck, Blumiere? Ha, called it! Not like it wasn’t
already obvious. By this point, it’s just to bring every player up to speed,
especially those who still hadn’t figured it out. After gloating a last time,
Bleck leaves. However, Tippi seems to have recognized the name Timpani.
Then again, I suppose it’s about time we get some
revelations. It was good to have the story of Blumiere and Timpani in glimpses,
but those were puzzling and, at first, came almost out of nowhere (unless you
watched the intro, of course). And now that the game is about to end, it
becomes obvious, it hits like a ten-wheel truck. All subtlety gets dropped, and
I fear the same will happen to the rest of this story.
And when she's defeated, she calls us bullies. She's the one who attacked first. And tried to kill us. |
For a battle against a giant robot, this place is all white. |
Further, Mr. L. is accosted by Dimentio. The jester
mentions that Mr. L would just be a problem now, so he traps the green-clad
villain in a box and blows him up. Dimentio mentions something about having an
agenda to himself… I never hid it from you guys. Even if I play dumb by being
surprised at every twist of the story, I already played through this game. I
know Dimentio’s plan is to overthrow the Count by the end. I don’t know how
often through the history of this website I have mentioned Dimentio being the final boss, and how his final form is
absolutely ridiculous. Needless to say, I’m soon going to have to explain why I
hate Dimentio this much…
Anyway, back to the villains. Nastasia informs that
Mr. L and Mimi showed signs of insubordination. Also, that Mr. L never came
back. Bleck prepares to go punish Mimi, but before that, we see him wonder out
loud… if that butterfly Pixl could be Timpani…
Cut to a discussion between Blumiere and… his father,
who says Blumiere betrayed the Tribe of Darkness by hooking up with a human girl. And
that as a result, she was punished, and that she isn’t in this world anymore.
Now, here’s the full story that goes afterwards, the story that won't be outright stated in this game: In a fit of rage, Blumiere
murders the entire Tribe of Darkness, his people, and then uses the Dark
Prognosticus to destroy that universe. Yeah, including every innocent person
who had no hand in his woe. Then he became Count Bleck, assembled his team, and
the rest is the story up to now. Genocide in a Mario game. Yeah, when I
said this game was hardcore, I meant it. Also, I’d like to say how it’s a
cliché, but by this point I go less for “cliché” and more for “desperately
trying to be as gritty and dark as possible, while staying within the limits of
the Mario-‘verse`”. That’s the feeling I get: this story is needlessly dark, too
dark for the Mario series. Another victim of the grimdark feel that has started
creeping up in so many places, like we mustn’t enjoy our fiction anymore, like being too happy is becoming a crime. These days, it's like it
has to be dark… and sad… and creepy… and simply not fun… That’s what I feel…
Mario’s team goes back to Merlon with the stone
heart, but Dimentio appears. And then he proceeds to do the same to them as he
did to Mr. L. He KILLS THEM.
HOLY FUCKING CHRIST!
Mario wakes up in Hell, better known here as the…
Underwhere. …I guess Level 4-2 didn’t satisfy the writers’ need for toilet
humor. Mario quickly learns that in order to understand just what the Hell is
going on in this Hell, he has to go see Jaydes, the lady demon who rules over this land. …I’m
getting vibes of both the Greek mythology and Christian versions of Hell here…
That’s not good. On the way, Mario sees a winged creature singing about her
hopes to find her price one day… and then she gets angry when she sees Mario is staring
at her. …What? Is it so wrong that I’m staring with disbelief at the thought of
an angel in Hell? Are you Lucifer in disguise? Meh.
Mario reaches Jaydes, and after a bit of talk, shows
her the stoned Pure Heart. Jaydes understands Mario is not just any hero, and
decides to enlist his help after she gets a phone call. Cool Hellphone, by the
way. Does Heaven and Hell have an Internet connection? If Heaven has Wi-Fi,
Hell must have Hell-Fi’. Think of it as an Internet provider that randomly
crashes, their personal browser never sends you to the right pages, half the
pictures are missing, viruses abound and all the porn sites are locked forever.
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Jaydes learns from Grambi, the
ruler of Heaven, that their daughter Luvbi has disappeared and might be in the
Underwhere right now. Jaydes gives Mario the mission of finding her, and also
hands him a key to a locked door somewhere in the Underwhere; she mentions a
green-clad man was found falling in the purple River Twygz…
NOW that's our Luigi! Funny and coward to a fault. |
On their return, the heroes are greeted by the
worried Tippi and Merlon. The wise wizard realizes that Luigi might be the
fourth hero of the prophecy. But if they want to go and retrieve Peach and
Bowser, they need to place the latest Pure Heart in a pillar! The Bros. go to
Flopside and do just that, then come back. You can enter World 7…
…The Underwhere????? Who knew? I mean, I did, but
just think about it: Dimentio pretty much sent them exactly where they had to
go, allowing them to bring the Pure Heart to Jaydes, and also letting them get
a glimpse of World 7! Ain’t that great? There’s one downside, though;
Jaydes says Mario has to escort little princess Luvbi all the way up to Heaven,
better known here as the Overthere. Hm, I can live with that name. Much better
than Underwhere- wait, we have to escort that ingrate kid? Ah, crap! Well, at
least it ends 7-1.
Whoa! It's darker inm here than in the Yoob's belly! |
Sorry, D-Man elder lady, I don't have time for your endless blabberings! I got a Princess to save! |
Oh, but that door doesn’t ask questions; it sends a
monster your way and you have to defeat it. The UNDERCHOMP! A Cerberus made of
Chain Chomps! The thought alone of such a mythical Mario creature entices badassery in your
fellow man! Yet it’s defeated like an RPG monster. The door guy lets the group
in, and thus they get access to the Overthere.
This is not even one thousandth of the whole level. No, that's not an exaggeration. |
Oh, ha ha ha. We are very amused.
Of course, Luvbi decides not to help, because she’s
in a bitch mood. Bitch, bitch, bitch, I hate you! Not as much as Francis, but I
still hate you!
Those are not the apples we are looking for. |
74... this means there's over 70 clouds to jump on in here? THIS IS GIGANTIC! |
And sadly, I’ll have to continue this Monday. Between
the annoying tagalong angel, the never-ending levels, the cliché-riddled story,
I just need to take a freaking break.
Now that I think of it, the heroes end up in Hell, make their way to Heaven, and they’re thus revived by the end, brought back stronger than ever… It’s the Messiah’s story all over again, that same one we see everywhere, the exact one we're all tired of…
Now that I think of it, the heroes end up in Hell, make their way to Heaven, and they’re thus revived by the end, brought back stronger than ever… It’s the Messiah’s story all over again, that same one we see everywhere, the exact one we're all tired of…
FUCK!
Sigh.
…See you Monday.
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