Remember when I said, a while ago, that movies about virtualization were mostly good? “Mostly”, as in, they're not all good? Well... Here's a prime example of this. You know, being thrown into a video game (literally) means that the characters will see some outlandish worlds, some odd creatures, and some real threats. How can we have all this make even less sense? I know! Let's insert a world domination plot! That must be foiled in the video game! It will be like James Bond, except... Not! ...Besides, James Bond is too cool to play video games. His life is already that of a video game hero. ...Oh, and let's make it even better: Make it in 3D! As part of a franchise that has proven successful with children thanks to the crazy adventures, witty dialogs, and comedy! And a cartoony feel to it all!
Thus Spy Kids 3D: Game Over was born. It was the lowest-rated Spy Kids movie for a long while... Until the fourth film came out eight years later, in 2011. But I'm not here to talk about a bad, bad, bad movie today; just a bad one.
This movie was MADE for 3D. Heck, the Dimension Films logo explodes in your face in the first few seconds. And then, Troublemaker Studios, also using 3D. And then the credits and the film's title fly in your face- STOP!
|It's gonna blow... it's gonna blow... it's gonna blow...|
Ka-boom! It blows! ...The Dimension Films logo, I mean.
You thought I meant the movie?
|Daryl Sabara is now mostly known as the voice of|
Rex Salazar from Generator Rex. Pretty cool.
|"Now that we're done talking about Game Over, let's start|
talking about ethics and objectivity in games journalism."
|Dixie Kong, leave that body!|
After a not-so-well-acted discussion between the two child actors in which she tells Juni that the entire world is his family, Gerti leaves the same way she came in: With those unnatural pigtails to make her fly. ...I'm gonna keep a funnel on standby. I might need it.
Juni gets a call from the President (played by – oh my God – Is that George Clooney???), who tries to convince him to go back as a spy working for the OSS (Office of Strategic Services?). Juni refuses... until Clooney whams him with a decisive line: Juni's sister Carmen is missing. Juni is immediately sent to the OSS's headquarters, which themselves look like a video game location. Seriously.
|Oh yeah. For a spy agency, this is a very subtle design. All we need now is|
a "This is not the OSS Headquarters, move along" sign.
And thus Juni is brought to Donnagon and Francesca Giggles (What an odd family name...). The two spies immediately tell him that something's wrong with the game titled Game Over. Pardon me the obvious joke, but I had to do it.
The Toymaker imprisons the minds of the playing children inside the game, which means they literally can't stop playing. Their body stops functioning. As for what happened to Carmen? She played Game Over, and now she's like in a coma or something. And her mind is trapped in the game. She went in there alone because Juni wouldn't, and reached Level 4 before all communication was cut with the OSS.
Juni has twelve hours to shut the game down or else all the children will be under the Toymaker's control. Apparently, that villain (played by Sylvester Stallone – Holy crud, so many celebrities in this cast!) had been locked in cyberspace years ago by the OSS, and must not be released. So Juni has to shut everything down but not release the Toymaker? Okay... I'm starting to suspect this film was written on child-friendly acid.
|Look out for Jessica Rabbit lookalikes. They're crazy.|
Juni tries to do the same, but winds up on a Pogo ridden by another gamer. That guy throws him off, and Juni falls in a manhole labeled “Exit”.
|Oh yeah. This effect is totally believable.|
Juni finds himself in the sewers, stared at by a prototype of Wheatley from Portal 2. The kid lost one Life Point; thankfully he had 9, so he's still alright. However, the watch on his wrist indicates less than five hours remaining. Wait. How did he go from 12 hours to 5? Did he faint for 7 hours? This makes no sens- Ah, you know the drill.
|Eventually the team behind Portal 2 scrapped the idea of|
Wheatley having a robotic face; he was deemed too creepy.
|The paper says "Ram into me".|
|Quite a calm place... it's the Moon, what did you expect?|
|Different body for Montalbán, same background.|
No, seriously! Its the exact same background!
|How can I describe that performance? Um... He's clearly|
|"You magnificent bastard, I read your book!"|
"Of course! Don't you know anything about science?"
"Imagine there's no Heaven, it's easy if you try..."
|Rock-paper-scissors? A handshake?|
ERither way, one of you two is going DOWN!
|Yes, you are witnessing a large kart throwing a pie. At least the Bloopers|
made sense in Mario Kart.
|Okay, this is a race, not a freaking boss fight!|
...Wait. How did Demetra get that large machine???
...Hero immunity, I guess?
|It's weird. I don't trust that girl. Maybe because she almost|
beat Juni at robot fights and almost defeated him in a race?
...Yes, female gamers can be great, but I actually mean that
there's more to her than she lets out.
Wait a second: No one in this game has figured out that it would be easier to beat the game if they made teams? Guys - and gal -, that has been a part of MMORPGs for a LONG time... I think it was there even before 2003. Either they were so convinced they could win alone that they wouldn't let anyone help them, or they were lured into playing alone with that dumb set of non-rules also known as “do anything to win”.
The team walks to the next level (wait, didn't the race technically count as Level 3? Or was it Level 2? Or... Urgh, I'm confused. Stop confusing me, movie!). On the way, Juni learns about the Programmers, a bunch of shadowy figures who work for the Toymaker and are tasked with sending back to Level 1 any player who seems to be doing unusually well. The gang splits up, so Juni finds himself alone again (even Grandpa trails off). However, Demetra goes back to him, and says it's obvious he isn't The Guy. I mean, he keeps talking about a sister he has to rescue in Level 4, and he talks to that old man who sure shouldn't be playing video games, and which he calls “Grandpa”, so... yeah, your cover was blown pretty quick, Juni. Demetra has a map of the game's world (could you really cartography suck a clusterf- I mean, such a mess of a world? I doubt it). But having such a thing is illegal and would mean instant Game Over if they got caught using it. Heck, that's probably the reason the Programmers are chasing them right now. And surely, they get caught.
|When you wanna get rid of nosy kids, you either hire goons|
or dress in a monster costume. It works, most of the time.
|So according to Robert Rodriguez, gamers are not cool?|
...Or it's the programmers that are not cool?
|The Stallone Four: Worst Boy Band ever.|
|Just in case you hadn't guessed, that Life Box was supposed|
to be 3D at the screening in theaters. Subtle.
NOW they're in Level 3. Or, well, I think they are. Damn, that was long... You know what? I think it would be better if I continued this in a second part. This review will not take me three parts, but I will definitely need a second one by now. See you next time!
I might need a week to recover from that weirdness...
I might need a week to recover from that weirdness...