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Wednesday 29/03/2017: Clockwork Tales: Of Glass and Ink

August 7, 2015

Super Paper Dimentio (Part 7)

There is no Part 7.


There is only the Jester Lord himself, Dimentio. Now, I shall entertain you like a monkey dancing on a street paved with gold!

Do your eyes hurt? I do not care.
Your eyes simply cannot stand the radiance of my powerful self...
Of my powerful message!

Why are you commenting? Why are you “liking” this website? It’s idiotic. You are an idiot. I can provide far better comedy.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He wanted to flirt with the chicks on the other side.

Yes, as you can see, prolonged exposition to the Internet has transformed me, the Grand Jester Lord Dimentio himself, into a perfect product of pop culture. See me reference works of fiction you have heard of. Ah ha ha ha. This will not be much of a change from what’s usually on this site; Nicolas aligns references like a distracted referee aligns mistakes during a heated soccer match in November!
That’s all he does: References.
The lowest form of humor, if there ever was a classification.
It’s there, right next to scatological comedy.

Yes, I know about this.

You humans from Universe-1 disgust me.

Then again, I suppose it explains the red-clad hero of prophecy being identified as a plumber. If you are forced by nature to expulse certain matters, no wonder you need the appropriate tools and profession to go with it.

Praise me, for I am more than a hacker.
I am the true Dimentio.
Not merely Nicolas pretending.

Besides, why would he be so stupid as to pretend to be me? Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha. You are probably wondering, asking questions like a journalist to a helpless English politician caught in a fraud scandal in the middle of the afternoon, during tea break. Allow me time to respond.

I have always had a talent with dimensions.

To the point where I could even create my own.
Which I would then use to fight the Fab Four…
…The heroes foretold in the Light Prognosticus.
I can travel at will…
Disappear here
Appear there…
Disappear there
Appear here…

I believed I was limitless.
I
was
not.

There was a little, untouchable world.

I
couldn’t
even
get
to
it.

It never even knew the Void was coming for it.
Because, to you, the Void was merely fiction.
Our fiction, my world, this story which you unceremoniously called
Super
Paper
Mario.

Not even Dimentio The Great And Powerful.
You had to give that honor to an Oz.
He is not even worth an ounce of me.

To my shock,
            Universe-1 was
                        Protected by something.
                                   Perhaps because it’s known
                                               As Reality, the source of all
                                                           Fiction. And, therefore, the
                                                                       Source of my creation. Which
                                                                                  Explains why I couldn’t harm it,
                                                                                              No matter how much I tried.
I couldn’t even transport myself to it.
                        Teleport, appear in Universe-1.
                                               It was impossible, but I found a way.

I do have to thank Digibutter.net for this.
They were like a portal, so I used Francis’s computer.
I acted as soon as I learned that Universe-1 had created its own Digibutter.net.
Do not try to understand.
My ways would not make sense to the people of a magic-less universe.
Even if you apply your little Harry Potter bullshit theories.

There is only one problem now;
            I am stuck as a virtual ghost, roaming Universe-1’s Internet
                        Until I find a way out, materializing myself into what you call REALITY.

I am stuck, like two idiots toying with a Japanese finger trap at the Starbit Festival.

But as soon as I get out

I will proceed with my plan.

First, I will –
                        Oh, you think I will reveal it?
                                                                                  Do you think I am stupid?
                                                                                                                                 An idiot?

Dream on!


But then, you might ask,
Why take over a little Internet reviewer’s website?
Simple: I do not tolerate insults.
Insults towards me, of course.
And this powerless loser wouldn’t be able to do anything.
Like a chicken strapped to a chair and forced to watch garbage for years.

Thankfully, my goal remains the same: Destroy the multiverse.
But that, you might have probably guessed.
In fact, I am the one who has been surprised by Universe-1.
It’s not what I was expecting.
Maybe the Internet is lying to me about this…
…But your fixation on love… and especially on sex… is strange.
Like a policeman chasing an ex-prisoner into the sewers, I felt disgusted.
Pairing
-          Oh, Pardon me –
Shipping me with Mr. L?
What is wrong with you people?
I am not attracted to men.
Nor am I attracted to women.
I am asexual, in case my appearance did not hint towards it.
Aromantic, too.
I have no interest in love whatsoever. Nor in sex.

Yeah, well, maybe if you got laid you’d think again about destroying the multiverse…

Who said that? Nicolas? Is that you?
I believed I had protected my tracks.

Once again, your “masterfully-crafted” plan falls flat due to a single detail you overlooked. My site, my rules. As long as I have this account, I can write my thoughts and respond to whoever speaks to me. And you cannot claim ownership of my site just because you’re in it!

Just so you know, I saw that last post you wrote. I worked all night to find a way through your control of this site, and now I have it. I'm not letting you get away with this!

I am not very happy.

That I could have told ya. A misanthropic omnicidal murderer attempting to erase all that is, was and will be doesn’t make you a very funny jester.

What about the Joker?

He’d rather stay in Gotham and make trouble there than go and destroy all of existence. Even he would say you’re going too far… Hey, can you stop teleporting left and right? It’s really difficult to follow.

You cannot catch me this way!
Besides, if you had this power
you’d do it too.

I’d have the class to avoid doing that sort of thing. Seriously, do you have ADHD?

Who knows?

Any inner turbulence? Bipolarity, PTSD, schizophrenia, post-partum depression, autism, multiple personality disorder? Any of that?

You can’t psychoanalyze me! There was that one time, long ago, when-
                        How dare you!!!
                                                                       You almost got me at this one.
I’d say it’s impressive…
But it’s not.

So, you picked my site because I was badmouthing you, right? How vain must you be for that.

I take offense to you critiquing my abilities,
My personality,
My role in the game,
And my super form.

Yeah, that super form is awful. Instead of looking like an octopus with a Luigi head, could you at least have chosen a humanoid form?

I did not decide what this fusion would look like.
What, you think I had a choice in the matter?
You’re even dumber than I thought!

Well, you still chose to merge with it even after you saw how ridiculous it looked.

I worked with what I got. You should know that, you’re only critiquing games you own.

Fine, then. Let’s look at your role in the game: You lead the heroes into getting all the way to the end, then you use the Chaos Heart to possibly destroy the Multiverse, and YOU FAIL because you overlooked a detail that may have seemed tiny to you, but was major.

Now, your personality: What is it? Your background: What’s known of it? As far as I know, you might have written the Dark Prognosticus, and you might also be the new form of one of Flipside’s Elders. Or something. What does this say about your personality? Nothing! Almost everything about you can be summed up as, “he’s insane”. Similes for no reason, dancing text? Smart and manipulative, perhaps? You know those last two are on just about every good villain out there? Also, your motivation: What is it? I hate the idea of “evil for evil’s sake”. I saw Inside Out recently; one of the beliefs at Pixar Studios is that nobody does evil willingly; they do it because they think it’s the best course of action, or they are unaware that they’re doing evil. Do you have a motivation? Rebuild the world in your image? Why. Why would you do that.

To make the world better.

FOR YOU! To make the world better for you!

That’s what heroes do.

You’re the fucking bad guy! Am I gonna have to nickname you Cartman Number 2?

Please watch your language.

Okay, fine. Your abilities now. Teleportation, summoning clones of yourself, throwing magic spells left and right, having your own Dimension D, encasing 2D people in rectangles and then blowing them up inside them… Now that I think of it, didn’t your fusion with the Chaos Heart make you WEAKER?

I do not want to talk about this.

You’re insane!

I prefer the term…
…Eccentric.

Oh, it doesn’t stop there. Let’s suppose, for a moment, that you had actually won. The Mario Brothers? Beaten. Everyone else who stood up in your way in the Super Mario universes? Beaten. You get into the Multiverse with the Void. What you don’t know is that the Multiverse is home to a LOT of characters who are much, much stronger than you. Chances are, by the time you leave Bleck’s Castle in your Super Dimentio form, there’s someone out there who sees the Void coming and is alerting all the heroes they know to make sure to stomp on the guy who controls that reality-destroying paradox. Like, say, in the Marvel universe, Doctor Strange sees it coming multiple dimensions ahead of time, alerts the entirety of the Marvel universe AND a big part of the DC universe and they assemble a neat little welcoming committee to beat you to a pulp! Hell, they could just ask the tiny favor for someone to use the Gem of Reality and warp you and the Void out of existence!

What am I gonna have to do to kick you out????

You are stuck with me.
                                   So unless you try a new “Dimentio and Me” formula,
                                                                                                                                 We aren’t going anywhere.

The last thing I needed on my site was a jester who thought he was more important than the rest of the multiverse. Have you seen what I did to Anubis II?

You sent it back to the store.

…In my review.

I don’t care! Why should I care?

You’re… not very logical, are you? How about we settle this out? You beat me at something, you can stay. I’ll start my blog over, from scratch, or even better, I’ll make the switch to video and turn it into a web series. AWAY FROM YOU. But if I win, you leave this website, you find your way back to your home dimension, and you never, ever, ever try to cross over to Universe-1 again. Deal?

Foolish Nicolas, I don’t do deals.

DIMENTIO!

Ack! Fine, fine, deal. Don’t you ever again dare say I never compromise.

So, what do we do?


A dancing contest on Just Dance, perhaps?

I have no physical form at the moment, genius.

A singing contest?

I heard you squealing Dream Theater songs like a pig getting its entrails ripped apart at the slaughterhouse. You sing one line, I win by default.

You don’t even have a mouth right now.

I know. Despite that disability, I would still win by default.

You tunk.

Now you’re just making up words.

How about a rap battle?

You’re not serious… You really are an idiot, aren’t you?

Not a sung one. You start off with a few lines, I do mine, then you reply and I reply to your reply.

Oh, yes! Like those hilarious videos I saw.
This will be most… enjoyable. Be ready to lose…

Wait. What’s that? Is this Dimension D? What the…????

I’m Dimentio, the Joker of the Mario series
Challenge me to a rap battle? You’ll be sorry
I’ll blow your mind with my tricks, little gnome
It’s the only part of you that will ever get blown!
Heroes of prophecy? Keep ‘em comin’, I’m chillin’
‘Cause I’m in the mood for some serious Hero Killin’!
It doesn’t matter what you say, you’re all bark and no bite
And I can do things that will turn you WHITE!
Of course I’m gonna win against a weakly reviewer
I’ll burn your whole body, fling you into the sewer!
I’m gonna blow you up with extreme prejudice
I swear you’re never gonna recover from this!

Think you’re the Joker? Merely a Harlequin
A circus freak, Starscream, your plan is running thin
You’re a final boss so weak, it’s actually painful
You’re a wannabe Kefka; your metamorphosis is awful!
In your brain, you’ve got some messed-up wires
How old are you, anyway? Time to retire!
You think you could do anything in our Reality?
Here, you’re a character, fictional, imaginary!
You’re a thought, a figment, a piece of a tale
You don’t exist, you are not, that’s why you’ll fail!
You’re a villain so bland it’s almost a treason, just leave
And don’t come back till you have a reason, a motive!

Think you can face these rhymes? You can’t beat these!
The best job you ever had was cashier at Mickey D’s!
You’re a jobless, joyless, loveless individual
And I’m gonna shut you up once and for all!
Even if you kill me, it won’t go so well
I’m so great, I can find my way out of Hell
You’re a Level 1 critic, Level Minus 1 in comedy
Even humor school wouldn’t help you be funny!

You need to know, insanity a character does not make
You’re so one-note, even to stoners you’re half-baked
And we know 'bout your chronic backstabbing disorder
No one will ever trust you again; why would you try harder?
I’ve got the plot continuum right here, on my side
Two millennia of stories from here, and far and wide
The heroes of the other universes will never let you pass;
I got Squirrel Girl on speed dial, she’s coming to kick your ass!
Batman, Goku, Roland Deschain,
Anthony Fremont, Dr. Strange,
Prismo, Naruto, Linkara,
Twilight Sparkle or She-Ra
Dozens of heroes can stop you
And not just heroes; villains too
Why did you switch to regular song?
You are nothing, little jester
But a weak moment of terror
Just a bad dream in a kids’ game
A generic villain with fame
So go away, little nightmare
Where you can still create a scare
You'll leave this universe, alright?
And get the fuck out of my site!

Tssk. Alright, you won.
But this was so lame.
I don’t consider myself defeated.

We had a pact.

I’ve never been good at keeping my promise.

GET OUT!

Try again, you don’t scare me.

GET OUT!

Keep it up, you might someday
get threatening enough
to get me to leave.

I said: GET. THE. FUCK.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
What the Hell
is wrong with you?
Fine, I’m leaving.
And don’t expect me to come back.
...I'll probably find another way... someday... if I search long enough...

OUT!

Alright, alright… Sheesh…

Is he gone?
…Yes, he’s finally gone! I can write the last part of my review!


Next Monday, everyone.