Ah, Disney. I don't care how much money you make. I don't care about your corporate image, I know your torts, and they're pretty big, but dammit, you make such great films. There was kind of a low point between 2000 and 2010, with some lesser-quality films, while Pixar was getting all the praise... and then, inexplicably, the tables have turned. Disney started making CGI movies that turn out to be excellent (seriously, it's almost been a year and a half, and we STILL see Anna and Elsa's faces everywhere, and we STILL hear Let It go every-friggin-where!). And during that time, Pixar went more for the money than for the art: After Toy Story 3, Cars 2 (the first Pixar film to get actual bad reviews), Brave (which, apparently, was pretty good, but not up to par with what Pixar used to achieve), Monsters U (which turned out less creative than most of their films)... Soon, we'll get Inside Out, which I hope will be good, because I seriously want Pixar to regain our love. They deserve it. And the trailers make it look great, too! But until Inside Out hits theaters, we have to say that Pixar has gotten pretty low. Heck, I think DreamWorks is doing better these days when it comes to CGI-animated films! I loved Rise of the Guardians! The Croods was great! It is pretty sad to see that, now, Disney and DreamWorks are toe-to-toe, while not even a decade earlier Pixar was Disney's major player in the fight. Oh well. Let's not be too negative now, m'kay?
|Would you believe I still didn't watch|
Frozen? Thankfully I know the plot.
EVERYONE knows it by now.
Plot twists included.
Come with me to Litwak's Arcade, and meet all the colorful characters this world has to offer! This is Wreck-It Ralph, and before I discuss the film, I tell you: GO WATCH IT. Because there's a million spoilers here. Seriously, it's like all I do: I discuss the plot so thoroughly that by the end, you know the entire story and then some! So I sincerely suggest you watch this film first. Go! Watch it, and come back in a hundred minutes!
|Ralph isn't even one of the mushots on the corners!|
|There's an Anonymous for everything.|
|Wow, Bowser's coffe must have been burning hot!|
...Nah, just kidding, he always spat fireballs.
|Well, at least Ralph can count on Satan. Oh, excuse me. "Sateen".|
Disney made Satan sound a lot less manly.
|O.O I'm goin' cameo-hunting!|
|Good to know Arcade!Sonic turned out to look exactly the|
same in 3D as he does in the home console 3D games.
He could have been, *gasp!*, different!
|Are those Graham Teddies at the bottom, on the left?|
Is that... a clown, on the right????????????
|Fun tidbit: Gene is the one who gets flung out of the bilding|
by Ralph at the start of the game. No wonder he hates Ralph.
He's still mean, though.
So Ralph goes to drown his sorrows at Tapper's bar. Oh, I'm pretty sure they sell root beer, milk and cola, but what about alcoholic beverages for those characters who really need it? Ralph asks Tapper where he could get a medal, and the barman replies that there might be one in the Lost and Found. Our hulking hero finds a mushroom, an exclamation mark (!?) and a pair of Zangief's briefs (This raises so many questions and gives so many disturbing thoughts, considering the world these characters live in, that I prefer not to call attention to it any further), but no medal. Thankfully, he finds a shell-shocked soldier from a recently-plugged game called Hero's Duty. The guy is terrorized, especially qhen he explains the plot of Hero's Duty to Ralph. He does mention a medal, though, which immediately interests our wrecker... and then the soldier sees a bug, runs away, rams into a wall and faints. Ralph takes that opportunity to steal the soldier's full body armor. He still has the decency to put Zangief's briefs on the soldier. Hero's Duty, here we come!
|Shell-shocked alright. He was probably programmed|
shell-shocked. ..Oh my God. That means he will ALWAYS
be panicky like this. His entire life. Good God, no...
|Ralph, you're not aligned with the others!|
But let's go back on Sergeant Calhoun. When we're talking about a strong female character, that's exactly what I'm picturing. She's badass (that doesn't count as a bad word, does it?), she's in control, she's developed... ...not that way, you pervert! I meant as a character! I mean by this that she isn't one-dimensional, like it would have been so easy to do. Let me take a wild guess and say that in the universe of Wreck-It Ralph, she's no doubt adored by all gamers, girls and boys alike. The boys probably for some other reasons, just because this is a Disney movie doesn't mean Rule 34 doesn't exist in-universe, but I'm straying from the point. She's awesome. Disney's Princess-no, not princess. Disney's Queen of Badassery.
Heck, if a talking figurine of her was released, I'd buy it, and I'd expect lines like these:
“Staying in the kitchen? Repeat that while I'm aiming for your head?”
“My husband became a monster. ”
“Kids, if you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder some day, seek psychiatric help. I'm not kidding.”
“Rides on my hoverboard aren't free. You gotta deserve them.”
“The day I fight on the battlefield in high heels is the day I'll die inside.”
|Yes, Ralph is the left one who's all panicky.|
Well, he sure fit in Markowski's shoes.
|The Orange Glow Of Death. Not nearly as bad as the|
Red Ring, but terrifying nonetheless.
Oh, nothing much. What about you?
Oh, good to know. So, uh, why are you around?
Hey! Watch what you're saying!
How dare you...
Hey! My momma would never do that! My mother's recipes are excellent! Say something else about my mom and you'll be pixels scattered 'round the Internet!
"@ @ @ @ @"
And he's laughing, too!
"@ @ @ @ @"
And he's laughing, too!
Anyway, Q*Bert tells Felix and the Nicelanders that Ralph “went Turbo”, that is, he went into another game during daytime, while there are gamers at the arcade. Thankfully, Q*Bert knows Ralph is in Hero's Duty, so Felix knows where to look.
|Ralph never felt this awesome before.|
|"What do you want, Mario lookalike?"|
"Just searching for my friend, Mrs. Samus lookalike."
Ralph flies through the Station, accidentally hitting Sonic (who, thankfully, had rings on him), and going into a game called Candy Crush. Er... Cheeky Blush. Er... Honey Hush. Er... Sugar Rush! Ah, finally! I have no idea why I was thinking about Candy Crush. Oh well... I guess it's a good moment to take a break. This Monday: Part 2 of this long review! ...I'm gonna need three parts for this one.