I crack my knuckles. I do
some exercise. Hop, hop, hop, some Just Dance 3. Today is a big day.
Today begins another epic on Planned All Along. I'm gonna need all
the strength I can get. Hop! Hop! Hop! Let's go! I prepare my sword,
my shield. I put on the green tunic. With beige-ish pants, please.
And the boots and the hat. Don't forget the plastic things people put
over their ears to look like Vulcans. Okay, I'm ready.
BRING IT ON!
The Legend of Zelda fans
hit sort of a disagreement when Wind Waker came around. Cel-shaded
characters? Toon-esque faces? "That's not The Legend of Zelda, that's
pretending to be The Legend of Zelda! That's TLoZ for KIDS!" So, the team behind the series
started working on a next installment in the franchise. They argue
over the pretty style of Wind Waker? This game will toss the fans
into some pretty good 3D, the most advanced CGI the Legend of Zelda
has ever had to this point (until the next games, anyway). With detailed worlds and characters. The
team also threw in a gritty, dark plot. Twilight Princess is, arguably, among
the darkest games the Legend of Zelda has ever had, if not THE darkest.
Can I make jokes about
it? Not to be overly confident in my abilities, but... yes. Yes I
can. It's not gonna be a walk in the park. There will be scares,
there will be hard times, but I can do it. I said it. BRING IT ON!
By the way, I must
mention this immediately. This game is extremely long, there's a LOT
of things to mention. Therefore, I will probably skip some parts that
are less important, skim over a few other parts that are less
important but still more than those that got skipped... and I probably won't go into a lot of detail about the
semi-major events. If I kept putting the same level of detail into
every part of the plot in this game... It would take me five parts,
and three is enough! Can we agree on this? Good. Proceed. (For the
record, I'll go to five parts in length for even bigger games. Yes,
that exists.)
Once you've chosen a save
file and named your character (for everyone's sake, I'll say Link;
this bishônen just doesn't have a face to be called Nicolas), we
find our favorite Hyrule hero in Ordon Village.
As is the case for many
Legend of Zelda games, there's a LOT of things to remember about the
controls. The Nunchuk and the Wiimote are used in equal parts, all
the buttons are used in a way or another. In fact, you better learn
to use multiple buttons at once, because you'll definitely need that
skill later on. This isn't a kiddie game, oddly enough. Also, the
controls change a bit between each item you get on your journey, so
listing everything here would be kind of boring to read. This isn't a
walkthrough!
We are then introduced to
this Link, the official goat herder of Ordon Village. Yep, he can
stop goats from running away simply by grabbing them with his bare
hands. The hero can also ride Epona, his horse. And even from the
start, there's talks of a Twilight Realm, which exists in an
alternate world of sorts to Hyrule. Gosh, this series has more
alternate universes than DC Comics! The one who tells Link about it
was also supposed to make a delivery to Hyrule, but he offers Link to
do it instead.
Link and Ilia: A pairing that is neither confirmed nor denied. And in the fan fic universe, ANY pairing has its chance. |
Link gets the fishing pole and a wooden sword. However, as Link was showing the kids how to use the sword, a monkey shows up and the kids chase after it. Link follows towards a cave and gets attacked by Keese. Eventually, Link finds the kids and the monkey, frees them from the cage, and saves them from Bokoblins. Maybe not in that order.
Next day, it's Link's
chance to go to Hyrule. Sure! A bit more goat herding and there we
go! Link and Talo, one of the kids, head to the Ordon Spring, where
Ilia is, but the place is locked. Apparently, she's angry because
Epona got hurt. Still, Talo reasons with her, and so she warms up to
Link again. Until, PLOT TWIST! Enemies called Bulblins come in, knock
Link away, and kidnap Colin and Ilia. No! Not his love interest until
Zelda comes around! Trying to chase them, Link ends up on the bridge
linking the Ordon province and the rest of the world.... when he
faces a wall of darkness. A black arm comes out of it and tries to
pull him in, but Link's Plot Power (or, as most of you call it, the
Triforce) sets him free, though in pain. Feeling changes, he finally
passes out.
Kind of a bad timing to
pause the game and bring this up... But... Screw it, I have to. Look,
I said that the 3D work was very impressive. That is true of the
environments and the enemies and villains, for the most part. For the
human-like characters, such as the kids from the Ordon Village,
and a few others... It's... um... Kinda scary? Okay, it IS scary.
Maybe it's the bodies that aren't shaped right. It might be the
cartoonish features mixed with relatively realistic bodies, creating an
effect of uncanny valley. Maybe it's those large eyes over otherwise
normal-looking traits with normal proportions. Maybe it's the fact
that this 4 or 5 years old Malo speaks and acts like an adult- AAUGH!
Big eyes, too low - Augh! |
Uh... No comment? |
Malo's forehead is too large. And the older boy's hair is weird. And he has the same forehead issue. |
Link fangirls, you are
allowed to swoon.
After turning into a
wolf, Link has lost his shield and sword, so his first task in normal
Hyrule is to retrieve them in Castle Town... where people will flee
in terror when they see him in wolf form. Oh, great. Still, Link
eventually finds his stuff, and heads out to free the Spirit Springs
from the evil of twilight. On his way there, he's ambushed by strong
Twilight monsters, but Midna shows Link how to get rid of them. Hope
you liked that ambush. You'll get many more in this game.
In order to free the
Ordon Spring from darkness, Link has to find and defeat a number of
Twilit insects that stole parts of its light. As a result, the hero
has to use his wolf senses to find the insects and take back the
light from them. Anyway, this mission is completed and the light is
returned to the Ordon province, freeing it from Twilight. Not only
that, but the Ordon Spirit gives Link his human form back, as well as
the clothes of the Hero, the trademark green tunic. With pants,
that's very important to mention. And from here we get to enter the
first dungeon. It was about freaking time!
Before entering the
dungeon, Link learns a special move, the Ending Blow, which he can
use to give the coup de grâce to strong enemies once they're K.O.
but not dead yet. Anyway, what's this dungeon's theme? Monkeys!
Also, within the dungeon,
Link finds Ooccoo, the mothe-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! What the flying
Heck is THAT? Is it a chicken with... A HUMAN FACE? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Creepy! ...On the plus side, even though that thing is the creepiest
thing in this game so far, even worse than the human faces of the
children, Ooccoo still helps you in and out of dungeons thanks to
her... son... A kid's head with wings. AAAAAAAH- Okay, that's still
creepy, but it's somehow more ridiculous.
Also, it had boobs, but the thought that such a creepy creature would have female attributes being so yucky, I censored it. Also, family-friendly blog, yadda yadda... |
Diababa For a first boss, isn't this too... HUGE? |
Link reaches Kakariko
Village, speaks to the Goddess of Eldin, and saves Kakariko from the
darkness caused by more Twilight bugs! Now, Link receives a letter
from Mayor Bo of the Ordon Village. The protagonist heads there and
gets, from the mayor, a few interesting things: Most of the kids are
safe, but Ilia and Colin are still in “danger”. That's bad. Then,
he teaches Link how to wrestle, combining his goat herding ability to
some form of sumo fighting. Okay, if I was one day to refer to Link
as an apprentice SUMO... Well, I'd laugh. In fact, I'm laughing at
this right now. Finally, Bo gives Link the Iron Boots, which are so
heavy that he'll sink to the bottom of bodies of water, and can also
walk on magnetic walls and ceilings. But wait, Kakariko is also terrorized by Twilight Bugs, like he Ordon Spring was. As a wolf, Link chases the monsters and defeats them. Once that's done, he goes back to being human... and discussing with the people of Kakariko reveals that King Bulblin, the leader of the Bulblins, has kidnapped Colin. Link retrieves Epona and battles Bulblin on a bridge north to Kakariko. You don't get points if you guessed that the loser would be thrown down the bridge and into the abyss.
Still, Link frees Colin and
brings him back to Kakariko village. Link goes to get the Hylian Shield,
to replace the wooden shield that will NOT survive against fire
enemies. And trust me, there's a ton of those in the next dungeon...
Link finally goes up
Death Mountain, the land of Gorons. It takes him a while to climb up,
as he isn't really accepted by that species... until he meets with
the Goron leader and beats him at sumo fighting. I'm not making this
up. On the other hand, Link fangirls get to see him shirtless. Sure,
he uses the Iron Boots to win, but still, this fight that happens
for real. Link gets the Gorons' trust and can now enter the Goron
Mines.
This is a very heated
dungeon crawl, what with the lava that covers a big part of the
floors. Also, when Link reaches the mid-boss of this dungeon, he has
to face a Twilight-controlled Goron. Finally, the possessed Goron is
beaten and lets Link access the dungeon's treasure: The Hero's Bow!
Link continues through the Mines and finally reaches the boss, which
is the Goron patriarch turned evil and monstrous because of the
twilight. Yeah, that book series is diabolical, we got proof right
here. *rimshot* ...Ah, come on! I had to make at least ONE joke like
this!
In this fight, Link needs
everything he has gained since the last dungeon: The Bow, the Iron
Boots and even his goat herding talent! Wow, sure helps that this Link grew
up to become a goat herder. His life as a hero would have SUCKED if
he hadn't learned to do that.
Less creepy than the human children. Because Zoras are NOT humans... |
As if that was not
enough, a Bulblin summons the Shadow Carrier Kargarok, which is
defeated kind of easily... Since it's a kind-of-friendly Twilight beast, Midna convinces it to help them. As a result, it brings Wolf-Link to the higher places of the
Province of Lanayru. Our heroes reach the Zora Domain, which has
been... frozen. All the Zoras are trapped in the ice! Luckily, our
Twilight imp has a plan: Warp a humongous fire stone from the Goron
Mountains (yeah, there's one apparently...) in here to melt all the
ice. And guess what? IT WORKS! It really works! The Zora domain is
heated up, causing the water to flow back through the river and into
Lake Hylia. After going back down the stream, Wolf-Link goes to see
the goddess Hylia, and goes on a last hunt for Twilight Bugs. This
brings him all over the Province of Lanayru, and even beyond. This
ends over Lake Hylia, against a giant bug, the Twilight Bloat, that
must be defeated in order remove all Twilight from Hyrule. This thing
is the most disgusting thing in this game so far... Yeah, worse than Ooccoo, try to imagine that to yourself!
Link returns to Hylia,
and the Goddess of Light shows him the cause of Twilight and how it
spread over Hyrule. This is one of the scariest moments in all
Nintendo games. Here it is, in all its horrifying glory.
(Just a comment: WHAT THE HELL???)
Of course, if you're a
fan of horror films like me, you've seen much worse. And since this
game is rated T, the cutscene can still be pretty scary... Though I
guess this scene alone explains why the game is not rated E like most
Nintendo games. The scary side of Twilight Princess really shines in
this. It's equal to the game's overall darkness, summed up in a few
minutes.
Finally, Link can go into
Castle Town as a human! Except the main shop in there sells lame
items at outrageous prices. Also, impossible to get to Hyrule Castle
yet, as it is trapped in a giant prism of twilight. The Hero of Time heads to Telma's bar (alcohol in Nintendo
series? Another proof that this game is darker than most!), and finds
Ilia and the Zora. Since there's a Shaman who can heal him in
Kakariko, Link has to escort a carriage from Castle Town to Kakariko.
And this is one of the most annoying missions in the game. I hate
this one, and I know that many others do. Also, Link has to battle
King Bulblin again.
Once they reach Kakariko,
the Zora is healed, and Link follows her to a watery grave. The Zora
gives him the Zora armor, and Link also gets the Water Bombs and
bigger bomb bags. He's ready to tackle the third dungeon, Lakebed
Temple, located at the bottom of Lake Hylia!
This temple goes deeper
and deeper, and you constantly go back and forth between the main
floors. Eventually, Link defeats a Deku Toad and finds the Clawshot
in a chest! Awesome! As for the dungeon's true boss... Personally, I hate
that Twilit Aquatic Morpheel. It's a giant monster that you must
attack with the Clawshot, while you're underwater; it's very difficult to aim and the creature's tentacles are a pain. Well, I guess the
fight is still kinda awesome.
Seriously, are the makers of this game trying to create a new Cthulhu mythos? Look at those freaking creepy monsters! |
With his victory, Link
gains the third piece of Fused Shadow. The Hero of Time returns to
the spirit of Lanayru, but gets attacked by Zant. In the cutscene
that follows, Zant steals all Fused Shadows, traps Link in wolf form
and severely injures Midna. The only one who can help them now is
Princess Zelda. Wolf-Link goes back to Castle Town and finds a way to
reach the castle and Zelda. She heals Midna and also tells them that
there's only one way for Link to retrieve his human form: Get the
Master Sword in the Faron Woods!
This quest towards
returning to human is complicated, as Skull Kid is around and causes
lots of problems on your way. However, Skull Kid is defeated (after a
long chase in the Faron Woods), and Link reaches the Master Sword
soon. Pulling it out, Link goes back to human. Midna keeps the
shadow shard that was in the protagonist, and as a result Link can
now transform at will!
He heads back to Telma's
Bar, and learns of a group of adventurers who are ready to help him
on his quest. Among them, one named Auru has headed to Gerudo Desert,
and hasn't come back yet. Also, it's very difficult to go to Gerudo
Desert, as the only way to do that is to use a giant cannon over Lake
Hylia (where was it, by the way, when the lake had been drained? Was
it at the bottom?). Link takes the cannon trip to the Gerudo
Province, explores the desert a bit, and then goes into an enemy camp
located around the next dungeon, the Arbiter's Grounds. Should I
mention that our protagonist fights King Bulblin ONCE MORE? Whatever,
Link enters the dungeon at last. His first quest, in this place, is
to find four Poes (ghosts he can see only with his wolf senses) and
defeat them.
Will Link get out of the
Arbiter's Grounds alive? Will I manage to keep this review into three
parts instead of four? Will I be able to riff more on the plot than I
did here? All these questions and even more pointless ones will be
answered next week!
First off you have put some of the events out of order mislabeled the light spirits and where link has to retrieve a sword and shield. The first set of bugs is in Faron not Ordon and its Ordon where Link first must retrieve the sword and shield before he can even go back to Faron woods. Colin was not in danger until Link returns to Kakariko Village when he saved Beth from getting kidnapped. Link only gets the Iron boots after he attempts to climb up the mountain for the first time in human form. Then you mentioned that it was the goddess Hylia that told Link about the Interloper war when it was the Light spirit Lanaryu. Then you mentioned that Hyrule castle was not accessible because a prism around that and that doesn't happen until Zelda saves Midna not before. Guards block your path to the castle before the prism. If you are going to give a summary of the game you should do it in order of the events.
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