How to go from 0 to 100 in public opinion? Simple. Handle well an alien invasion crisis. Whaddya mean, those don't happen in the real world? |
President Cooper will be holding a soirée in the
Arcaders' honor that night, reassuring the reporters that were an alien attack
to happen, his team would be ready to jump into action. The old Admiral played
by Brian Cox of course hates that he has been bested by geeks, because of
course, this is a Sandler movie and they needed to fill an asshole quota. There’s potential here, either for a surprise villain, or a surprise
ally who begrudgingly joins the fight in the end – but no, they do nothing else
with Brian Cox, he’s nowhere to be seen in the climax.
Sandler's been crapping on all video games, old and new, in differet ways so far, might as well take some time to make a blatant product placement of a good modern video game. |
Time to insult modern gaming some more. At Violet’s weapons lab, while she's experimenting with new light ray guns, Sam Brenner watches Violet’s son Matty playing… er… I think it’s The Last of Us. Yeah, quick online search says it is. Sam complains that modern games don’t have patterns to take advantage of, no rhyme or reason to the AI… which isn’t true, any platform game enthusiast will tell you that patterns are a thing, and there are bosses and enemies in various genres, on most consoles and even on PC, who will follow patterns that you must learn in order to win. I guess it all boils down to nostalgia, and Brenner would bash modern games either way since he prefers the old classics. Matty explains that in a lot of newer games, the whole point is simply to “pretend you’re the guy, and you don’t want to die”. Sam comments on the violence in The Last of Us, which is honestly not the worst I’ve seen (and there are much nastier games out there, like GTA ort Postal). As for Q*Bert, he's watching the game and he's horrified.
Poor guy. His species kills opponents by turning them into cubes. It's literally the first time he hears about blood. |
Speaking of Q*Bert, he might be the best character in
the movie. He seems to quite enjoy living on Earth, learning about humans and
trying our food. It also helps that he’s indestructible, so if he crashes on
the ground after missing a jump on a trampoline, he just reforms as if nothing
happened. He’s so cute, too! Listen to this childlike glee! Only downside, Q*Bert says “bullcrap”, because
nothing is sacred. Okay, which one of you morons in the film taught the
child-friendly icon to swear? I want names! I want a culprit!
He got Serena? For real? Her island is better be worth it. |
Then of course, partway into the song, in
front of the entire audience invited to the soirée, Ludlow gets on all fours
and starts humping the stage. Way to go. This movie is basically “How to Ruin a
Good Moment”. There are many scenes where something decent or sincere is going
on, then it’s ruined by an awful joke. Fuck this movie in every orifice with a
rusty blade dipped in Dijon mustard.
I wish modern Sandler films had more heartfelt moments like this one. |
"We are using footage that we shouldn't even have access to in order to call you! That's even more unbelievable than our attacks with video game characters made of cubes!" |
I wanna scream "Bullshit!" at the top of my lungs so hard right no- Hey, is that the Konami code written on there? Well zippity doo dah, they got ONE code right in here. |
After Eddie leaves, the Admiral played by Brian Cox
walks up to Violet and Sam and fires them for “helping the aliens” (I’m
paraphrasing). Then as the lights go out, they run outside and see Matty
getting taken away by the aliens. That special effect turning the characters
into cubes as they’re brought into the spaceship is still pretty damn cool, I
admit that.
Back at Violet’s house, she tries to come up with a
plan with Sam, Ludlow and Q*Bert, but they’ve been stripped of their gear and
contacts. They’re pretty much
doomed. We also get some info from Q*Bert, who explains that his species lived
in peace on their planet until the tape from 1982 came to them, and they
accidentally interpreted it as a declaration of war – and since then it’s been
a dark place with no room for joy or peace. Sheesh, talk about a fickle
species. And they don’t seem inclined to listen to the humans saying that the
footage of games was, well, just that: Fun games. I wished we could hear more
about Q*Bert’s kind, but as I said earlier, this isn’t serious science-fiction.
We had the MST3K Mantra, Moff's Law and Bellisario's Maxim. I shall add the Sanchez Statement, courtesy of Rick: "Don't think about it. Don't think about it. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT." |
Sure enough, 12 hours later, the aliens are unopposed
and begin their attack, unleashing various video game characters into
Washington. Among them, we can spot Paperboy (1985) and Tetrominoes (from
Tetris; 1984). The Tetris pieces form lines around apartment block floors,
literally erasing them from existence. What the fuck happens to people who
hadn’t had time to escape? I could imagine being erased entirely from existence
to be a particularly brutal but novel way to die. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus Christ,
though. I hope these aliens will bring back the people they killed once they’re
defeated. Might never get confirmation about that, but hey, a guy can hope.
Of all the things to be Checkov's guns, the Crane Game. I thought I already knew everything there was to know about the Crane Game! |
"Gear up, everyone. I know you're better at 8-bit arcade games, but get ready for a free-movement, open-world, Real-Life-HD multiplayer team shooter." |
Lady Lisa, protagonist of Dojo Quest. Portrayed by Ashley Benson, voiced by nobody. |
Oh, and she takes on a perfect human form. Not
pixelated, not 3D, no. She forms a perfectly normal human body. When exactly
did the aliens show that they were able to do that? Okay, I call bullshit.
Model Ashley Benson portrays the seductive assassin, and she never says a
single word in the entire movie. Some other pixelated characters let out a peep
or two, she never says a thing. Just a pretty lady without a voice. But hey, "who cares about a voice when she’s got a body this hot", amirite? Urgh, screw
this scene. He may be in love, but she has knives in her eyes. And two goddamn
katanas. After a short fight where she shows off impressive agility and talent,
she bests him and slices his head off, freeing Earth from the insanity of
Ludlow Lamonsoff. Nah, I kid. But I wish that’s what happened! What truly
happens is that he submits to her completely and, as he feels the steel of a
blade to his neck, states an anguished declaration of love for Lady Lisa. This
is enough to make her drop her katanas. She smiles, helps him get up, and they
share a victorious kiss. Uh, he knows she’s an alien made of energy cubes,
right? Apparently he’s fine with that.
Oh hey, good to know Eddie has some honor. He must be part-Lannister. |
Sam and his team get underneath the mothership, and a
giant Max Headroom pops up over them to discuss the terms that will end this
war. URGH! For fuck’s sake! Max Headroom first appeared on TV in 1984! The CGI
host announces that the aliens are willing to give Earth a final chance. Why?
Because we need a climax. that's the only reason. They’re invited into the mothership, and if they can defeat the final
boss, Earth wins. A portal opens and Sam enters, followed by Violet, Will and
Q*Bert, and they’re turned into cubes and brought upwards.
Kinda odd that the big boss used by the aliens is an enemy that is technically never hurt directly by the protagonist of the game he's in. But I suppose making him fall to his death is not an option. |
Then Will adds, “The one game you suck at.” Gee,
thanks for the kind words, dick! For the record, Sam arrived second. SECOND. He
doesn’t suck at the game, he didn’t get to first place, but second place is
still better than every other player minus one! The three trophies taken by the
aliens are here too – the Guam soldier, the Indian guy, and Matty. Time for a
showdown.
God’s sake, I can’t wait for this review to be over.
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