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April 11, 2016

"Rated M" Month: Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars (Part 2)

Oh great, what the Hell kind of troubles did I get Huang Lee into?  Following Part 1, as if it wasn’t enough that he’s almost wiping clean the asses of three wannabe successors to the greatest criminal empire of Liberty City, now he’s got to help a goddamn cop?

Am I going too far in the vulgarity? I mean, M-rated games have fun going overboard with vulgarity, I guess I should still keep some self-respect and not do like they do… forget that awful metaphor in the previous paragraph. Either way, now with four people to receive missions from, Huang is busier than ever.

Saving Private Chan, Episode 218. Just another day for
Huang Lee.
After completing a few more mission with Chan (which includes saving his sorry ass from an ambush by a rival gang), we get to meet Hsin Jaoming, the big boss of the entire criminal world of Liberty City. Chan made himself look good by saying that he was the one to save you from the ambush; and Hsin is smart enough to know his son is a moron, but not smart enough not to believe everything he says. Thus Hsin orders Huang to go blow up the ambushers’ gambling place with a leaking oil tanker. Fine, old bag, just spare me all the stupid discourse about family honor that I’ve been hearing from Kenny all the time, and I’ll go. I don’t have a choice either, it’s a vital story mission.

Getting screwed over by five guys at once. If I was a chick, I’d like that better, but I’m not. And besides, why would the player character in a GTA game be female? This game is a world of dicks. Literally and figuratively. I believe in the criminal talent of women, but I get a feeling this world is super-sexist and would make quick work of women…

Oh, excuse me, I think I just had a PTSD-induced flashback.

Now Wade Heston gives Huang a few missions related to a Korean gang that’s been causing trouble; after which Uncle Kenny tells his nephew to leave the Koreans alone and direct his attention to the Spanish Lords. Jesus F. Christ, this thing’s becoming a crime wars version of The Young And The Restless, escept with less weddings, breakups and breasts! Kenny tasks Huang with protecting his merchandise from the attacking waves of Spanish Lords, who for some reason are really pissed at Kenny. Gee, I dunno, maybe it’s because of the orders I received from Kenny himself to go and shoot them all down! Huang then follows the Spanish Lords’ helicopter through town, discovering their warehouse. In the next mission, we raid that warehouse and steal a truck, bring it back to Kenny’s hideout, and open it to find some nice free drugs. That’s actually another fun mechanic of the game; when you feel like taking some free shit, you can steal it from trucks passing around the city, or head to any warehouse you find, break in and steal some nice stuff. Sure, that means you have to shoot a lot and kill a bunch of people, but don’t you spend most of the game doing that already?

Oh great, am I gonna have to start saving Heston
all the time too? If I keep saving people, why
don't I become a good buy? ....Oh, right, I save
these people by killing MORE people.
We get another mission from Wade Heston, and then we have to save him from a group of assassins hired by the Koreans. Including one with a machine gun, which counts almost as a boss of sorts. We need to kill the machine gun guy, but as a result we lose the only track we had to retrieve Yu Jian and the boss behind the whole operation. Yay… So after that’s done, we get a message from Uncle Kenny, who has another mission for his favorite slave-er, I mean helper. He does seem pretty pissed that we’re attacking the Koreans, though… Anyway, he asks Huang to help the mafia smuggle a boat full of “merchandise” into the city. Following this, we learn that Chan has bought most of Kenny’s properties, so Kenny is pissed, Chan is being a smug asshole, and then there’s Zhou also getting in on the fun. What the Hell did I do to deserve that much trouble? *checks list of crimes so far* Oh. …Never mind.

Chan, always the smart one, goes on a boat race with Huang until they get ambushed by Spanish Lords and Huang has to gun them all down. Hey Chan, since you’re always being attacked, here’s a suggestion: Just die already, that’ll spare me some fucking troubles. You’re a pain in my ass, and not a fun kind. But I don’t swing that way, so to me, there’s no fun kind.

Sometimes I wished I could kill the blue ones.
They're my allies, but I hate to call Chan an ally.

Trouble brews in Hsin’s criminal empire as there appears to be traitor in the ranks, and the federal police forces are cracking down on whatever crime gangs they can get their hands on, even capturing Chan. (Yay.) Hsin thus orders Huang to smuggle a lot of dirty money out of the country by bringing it to a heliport, then shoot an informant from the high point of a hotel. Hey, when did this become an assassination game? I thought we didn’t have precise targets, just members of rival gangs and sometimes cops or people on the streets. Come to think of it, how come we lose some of our star rating by destroying cop cars? Wouldn’t this actually make us even more sought after? I don’t think I should question the logic of that world too much.

I'm sorry, from this point on I have been unable to find
a walkthrough that covered the rest of the game in the
DS version. So the next screenshots might not be
from the DS version.
Now both Chan and Zhou are willing to dispose of the other. Well, it would be mighty fun to see those two at each other’s throats, but we’re kinda in the middle of the fight… Zhou wants to pick up two famed criminals and bring them back to his lair; the only problem being that Zhou attracts a bit too much attention and many paparazzi are following him now. Which means that in the next mission, as we pick up the criminals, we must gun down whichever paparazzi take photos. Okay, look, I’d be against criminals killing people, but if there’s one thing I hate in the fields of journalism, it’s paparazzi. Kill those? Oh, this will be fun. After that’s done, we help Chan kill all the people he believes are traitors – it’s implied he’s just blindly killing his own gang, because admit it, that would be a Chan Jaoming thing to do – while riding in a helicopter and shooting fiery rain – an infinity of Molotov cocktails – down on the helpless folks. Honestly, I don’t know how Chan managed to fit an infinity of Molotov cocktails in the helicopter cockpit. Then we help Heston by blowing up a dealer who’s blackmailing him, using a bomb car. Holy shit, is there one thing in this city that we can’t buy? …Oh, right, prostitutes. We’re also tasked by Heston to blow up a Zhou-owned boat and destroy a truck containing merchandise that belongs to Zhou. I totally don’t see this going wrong and causing major trust problems anytime soon.

Killing with a sword has got to be one of the best things
in GTA, period- What do you mean, most video games out
there already have you killing with swords? Dammit!
Of course, Zhou’s next mission has Huang fishing up crates of merchandise. And then we get a message from Hsin… Uh oh. He’s pissed, he knows where traitors to his order live, and he wants to see heads roll. Literally. He entrusts Huang with a sword – not Yu Jian, sadly – and tells him to decapitate the traitors. Wow. That’s bold. I mean, I know Hsin is the head of a criminal empire and all, but damn, that’s a badass query. I can see why he’s the chief, and why no one else so far does the job right enough to replace him. Huang does the job then meets with Uncle Kenny and Hsin at the amusement park. Hsin brings up that these troubles began after Huang joined the ranks… oh wait, I am not a mole, I’m just helping a deadbeat asshole cop who’s supposed to help me find the sword- wait… scratch that, I said nothing. Kenny manages to calm down Hsin and convince him that Huang is not the mole, but Huang doesn’t feel very much welcome now. But Hsin still entrusts him with the mission of finding the hideout of a group named the Midtown Gangsters, followed by stealing files from them.

Bleh. This is the worse cop of the two.
That’s when we get e-mails from two new people: Some guy called Lester, a cop (another one), and an Italian named Rudy D’Avanzo. Starting with Lester, the gross, fat cop who is trying to infiltrate a group of bikers known as the Angels of Death (I suppose Hells’ Angels, Rock Machines and Elements of Harmony were taken), and of course Huang has to do his little motorbike stunts for him. Which includes gunning down members of a rival gang and blowing up a statue. Of course that’s not enough for the guy, as he soon contacts Huang again to sell off a bunch of drugs; Lester was supposed to sell them himself but apparently he's a coward. You know what, when I’ll be done with you and your quintuple chin, I’ll never talk to you ever again. Actually, do you even have a neck? It looks like you have chins and then a belly. Do note, I’m not making these jokes to mock people who suffer from obesity, I make them to mock Lester, who happens to be an asshole like all other bosses Huang works for. And honestly, don’t all assholes deserve to be mocked?

I don’t know why, but Donald Trump ios the first example that appeared in my Canadian mind when I said that.

What better than a graveyard as a place for a shootout?
Okay, time to meet Rudy D’Avanzo. He says that once the mole is done destroying the Triads, he’ll go for the Italian gangs next. And thus, despite the Triads and Italian gang being enemies, they need to help each other on this. D’Avanzo even knows who the mole is: Jimmy Capra, a member of the Massina family. Huang and D’Avanzo get ambushed and Huang needs to kill a whole bunch of gun-happy people trying to kill his Italian boss. Well, he may have the same problem as Chan, but he’s way more useful…

We help Heston deal with some nasty guys using machines to scramble signals around his part of town (a difficult task because it also scrambles your GPS)… after which we help Hsin deal with some weapons dealers who would start representing a danger… then we take care of a small gangster group that wants its independence… Then we help Lester get into the Angels of Death’s graces some more by protecting some stuff… and then we help Rudy steal a car that belongs to the Triads because it may be the Mole’s car and it contains something that listened in on the Mole as he was revealing secrets… ah yes, because that will not cause me any problem with Kenny and Hsin! Jesus Christ, by the end of this everyone’s gonna want me dead. What am I, a fucking carousel? Each of you, have a turn on the Huang Lee ride! One at a time, but don’t worry, you’ll all get your turn to screw him over!

Caaaaan you feeeeeel the deeeaaaaaaath toniiiiiight...
D’Avanzo soon welcomes Huang in his office to tell him that there were not only one Mole, but three. And thus he tells Huang to shoot the three of them down… after which Huang will get a copy of the recorded discussion. Let’s go do that, sure! Then we help Heston by taking his car, repairing it, and destroying evidence that would incriminate more of Heston’s policemen associates. After which we try to get the recording from D’Avanzo – come on, god damn it, I have three other fucking bosses that want me dead until I bring them this! He agrees to give it back after we’ve – oh, pardon me, after he’s – killed Jimmy Capra. So we bring him to a meeting where D’Avanzo gets ambushed – again – and we need to kill all the attackers coming his way. This would be simple, if bullet-wasting, if we were on the ground, but dear Rudy had the brilliant idea to have Huang be on a nearby roof with an assault rifle. With that weapon and at that angle, we’re not quite as efficient…

Any idea how many bikers I had to kill so that this guy
could ger a simple blowjob? Me neither. Way too many,
that's for damn sure.
We also get another mission from everyone’s favorite grossout cop Lester, who decided to get more info from the wife of the Angels of Death’s boss… by fucking her in a private apartment, and tasks Huang – who else – with – what else? – shooting down all members of the Angels of Death trying to stop their car, as well as any Angel of Death that shows up near the apartment once they’re in safety. Lester gets all the info he needs – with a large side-order of STDs – and tells us that his arc was all for nothing, because the Mole is not a part of the Angels of Death. Well, thanks, fuckbag. Now, Lester, do me a solid and never show me your fucking ugly face ever again.

I hate to think that I’ve gone so off the deep end that I say that sort of thing but… when do I go back to selling drugs? I kinda miss those days. And now we get a message from Hsin. Nothing except the e-mail title, “Traitor?”, and the message, “Come to see me. Right now.”


That’ll wait for Part 3!