In homage to the recent release of Mega Man Legacy
Collection…
You gotta be tough to beat this. |
I haven’t played many ultra-hard games in my life,
though I do know there’s a market for insanely difficult games (such as I Wanna
Be The Guy, Kaizo Bros., and dozens of other fan-made examples). There was Super C, which was pretty difficult, but I had the advantage of knowing it
inside and out by the time I reviewed it for this site. I was practically at that point where I’d try beating the game
with self-imposed challenges added to it. Another such example is the Mega Man
series... especially its first installment. This game is hard for almost any
player, with a lot of traps and enemies located at exactly the worst place
possible. And that’s not even discussing the bosses!
This was also the time where a plot was an excuse rather
than a requirement for platform games, so Mega Man doesn’t have much of a story
– that is, unless we read the manual. The good Dr. Thomas Light (you know he’s a
good guy, his name says so) has created multiple robots to serve mankind in
different ways, but his most treasured creations are Rock and Roll,
nigh-perfect androids. You could well mistake them for actual humans. His other
six humanoid robots mostly serve construction purposes… however, one fateful
night, Dr. Albert Wily, Dr. Light’s assistant, steals and reprograms the six
construction robots, called Robot Masters, for his own nefarious purposes. See, that’s why I don't hire assistants. To fend them off, Rock agrees to be converted into a fighting
robot to defeat Light’s six evil ex-robots, and finally give a whacking that
Dr. Wily won’t forget anytime soon (but that won’t stop him from coming back
with more robots every few years).
By the way, can I say that the American box art looks
absolutely ridiculous? But I think everyone has already made the jokes about it by now. That's just me, late to the party, as ever.
A neat selection of ways to get killed horribly. |
For a robot with explosives, it sure isn't very impressive. |
They bring in the sparks! They're cool! They feel hot! But don't let them kill your groove! |
Well, this wasn’t so bad. I mean, the levels had a lot
of cheap tricks to make them harder, like enemies at exactly the worst possible
places, many instances of platforming that were almost leaps of faith… and I
must have had a Game Over on almost every level… I mean, this was hard, but it
wasn’t so bad… It could have been even worse, that’s what I’m saying… After
many tries the six Robot Masters are defeated, which means we can access Dr.
Wily’s elaborate headquarters, the most insanely dangerous place you can think
of – and if the previous six levels were any indication, the outside world
wasn’t exactly the Ritz to start with.
Mega Man enters Wily’s Castle, which is not something
easy with the annoying jumper robots blocking the way. The interior is just
terrible trap after terrible trap, with floor spikes, floor flamethrowers and many other joyful ways to suffer. It even includes a section where you need to create
your own platforms in order to move ahead – something that you can only do if
you picked up an item in a previous level. Finally, after some grueling
platforming (but nothing impossible), we reach an empty room… and blocks start
flying from the left to the right, forming a yellow humanoid shape.
That’s Yellow Devil.
Fuck.
Don't ever thinking of seeing the Yellow Devil... reforming. Sorry, my puns get 43% worse when I'm in a tough boss panic. |
And since I need to beat a game’s Story Mode in order
to review it, I need to get past this thing. Damn! I lost again! Let’s see if I
can get this to work… Ah, fuck! Alright, I can try again. Whoops, now I’m dead.
Crisse d’osti de tabarnak! I gotta replay through this hard level… then reach
the boss… almost there… Shit! I must finish this goddamn game to report on it!
I must beat this Devil.
Must beat it.
Must absolutely, positively, entirely, insultingly,
finally defeat this motherfucking Yellow Devil. The six Robot Masters? Piece of
cake compared to this thing. Must defeat it. Must defeat it. Must deFUCK! Must
defeat it. Must defeat it. Must defeat it.
Faut que je le batte, faut que je le batte, faut que je le batte.
Must.
Defeat.
It.
Must.
Finish.
Review.
Can I do this? …No, no, I can’t! This is impossible!
But I have to. I have to. I have to, I must, I can. Even the cheat is hard to
use against this little shit!
Must. Defeat. It. What the Hell are my readers gonna
think of me if I give up, what are they gonna say if I stand down and stop the
review right here right now, if I don’t play through to the best of my
capabilities, what are they gonna say, I’ll be a joke, I’ll be mocked by
everybody, it’s like I need their approval no matter how stupid it may be for
me to give a damn about what people think of me through those idiotic reviews
of mine, I don’t know, look I need to beat this thing it’s too important, I
must defeat Yellow Devil, I must finish this goddamn review I will not sleep I
will not eat I will do nothing but play until this thing is defeated until the
game is beaten I have to be able to do this at some point I should I can and I
will because I must, I have to, this is so difficult but I have to carry
through even if that means I cannot actually finish the review I must I must I
must I must I must I must I must I must I must I must I must I must I must
I must
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