Back in the days of Newgrounds, I played a buttload of Flash games. From fan games of Mario beating up bosses from other games to all the previous installments of the GemCraft series, passing by titles that could be perfectly serviceable indie Steam releases if they had been made for profit. Or, Heck, even if they had been released to Steam for free.
Some websites have moved on to games made on HTML5, while others have made it their duty to catalogue and preserve the Flash games in some way. With the end of Flash at the end of the year – in less than a week – these conservationist sites are much welcome.
This screenshot is taken from a Flash game called Villainous. I loved it.
It’s not a completely accurate comparison, but much like someone who tries their hand at fanfiction before writing a proper original novel of their own, building a Flash game is a valuable learning experience in game development, and can open the doors to the indie world (or, who knows, all the way to AAA). In fact, there are several games I used to play on Newgrounds that were good on their own, that now have versions on Steam – with price tag, sure, but it’s good to see these creators moving from free games to actually being compensated for their work. It might also have to do with several seeing the writing on the wall for Flash for a few years now, so they remade their game (or created sequels) for a digital gaming distribution platform like Steam.
One of the series that made the jump is Henry Stickmin, whose five games have been entirely remade, with a bonus sixth to make it really worth the price tag. I recall playing “Stealing the Diamond” way back, so I wasn’t entirely stranger to the series. But it was a treat to rediscover it (and play through all the games I had missed) through this collection. Not to mention the moments of hilarity it gave me. For, if there is one thing we needed this year, it was laughter.
I can now cross an item off the list of Nintendo franchises I’ve never played.
Punch-Out!! has a special place in the hearts of many Nintendo fans, in spite of being a fairly small franchise. After a modest start with a couple games in arcades, it was eventually ported for Nintendo’s Game & Watch, and then on their home consoles, with its content adjusted for the more child-friendly platforms. We got Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out for the NES, featuring Mike Tyson as the final boss; Super Punch-Out for the SNES; and this game for the Wii, made by Next Level Games and released in North America on May 18th, 2009.
The franchise’s concept has appeal: You are Little Mac, an up-and-coming boxer trained by Doc Louis, an ex-heavyweight champion, and you are going up the ranks of the boxing world. Your adversaries are walking, talking national stereotypes with comical quirks, but they also have their own attacks that you must learn and defend yourself against. It’s not about unleashing a flurry of punches on them without thinking; it’s about studying them, spotting the telegraphing of their attacks, and reacting accordingly with proper timing. Dodge and/or punch back, and if it’s been done correctly, the opposing boxer is left stunned and open for attacks.
Will I fare well on my first experience? Let’s see.
Who would need a story to enjoy a 3D Picross anyway?
I’ve frequently wondered how puzzle games could have stories. For several of them, the answer is simple: They don’t. They give their challenges to the players, and that’s it. Other games attempt to tie the puzzles to the plot. This, however, usually means creating all sorts of different puzzles instead of focusing on only one type. Today's game fits the latter, and is also a mystery story involving murders that must be solved.
However, Professor Layton this isn’t.
James Noir’s Hollywood Crimes was developed by Ubisoft and released on the Nintendo 3DS on November 1st, 2011 in North America. The game utilizes all the capabilities of the console, even the camera and the built-in tilt detection for some puzzles. It also does things I don’t recall seeing in games before… and it’s not exactly a great thing. I think it will be best explained as I cover the plot. How does it go?
(For the sake of explaining the plot, I'll use the second person, since the game tries so hard to involve the player in the plot.)
Something looks really uncanny about this.
In June 1961, "you" are auditioning for the hit TV gameshow The Incredible Puzzle Masters, hosted by Glenn Darnby. How the show works: Two contestants alternate weeks, the first contestant on week #1, the second on week #2, the first contestant returns for week #3, and so on. This goes on for a maximum of six rounds. On each round, both participants have to reach a score. The first participant must reach the score, and the second must also reach it and beat the other's performance. The required number of points increases for Round 2, and puzzles get tougher, but the rewards increase. The game ends when either contestant doesn’t reach a round’s required score, or the second participant doesn’t beat the score of the first. The winner’s prize is a year-long trip around the world, with all expenses paid by the show.
It’s very easy to make lists related to the Pokémon series, if only due to the sheer number of elements in it. Over 900 species with tons of alternate forms, eight generations in the main series and countless side-games, items as far as the eye can see, abilities and moves and whatnot…
Oh, and gameplay mechanics. So many gameplay mechanics. Most of the core mechanics come back, all the time – and we’re thankful for it. Berries, special Pokéballs, hidden abilities – all things that the games can’t do without by this point. However, some things showed up for a single Generation. Game Freak keeps finding new ideas for mechanics related to Pokémon encounters, but also has the bad habit of dropping things nilly-willy between games in the main series.
Today, I’m digging through over 20 years of Pokémon to pick out 12 things that I would like to see making a comeback, in some way or another, in the franchise. Usually because it’s a cool idea on its own, or because it would be quite great to see it be implemented with newer mechanics that have stayed… I’m also not saying that all of these mechanics could fit into a single game, either, as some can't coexist. Keep in mind that I haven’t played any games from Gen VIII (Sword/Shield and everything that will come after), so examples from those games will be rare in the list. Most of my examples are based on my own gaming experiences with the franchise, ranging from Gens III to VII.
Before I begin, here is one willful omission: The National Dex. As much as I would love to see a game in which we can genuinely “catch them all” again, I also acknowledge that the franchise’s unsustainable growth and the inclusion of more and more species means that there has to be cuts at some point. While I dislike Game Freak’s actual explanation (and excuses) for it, I do agree that it’s getting harder and harder to include every Pokémon in one single game. Hardware limitations and other factors are the cause for it. Mind you, it’s sad for me as I’m a collector above anything else in Pokémon, so I love to have a full living Dex. I don’t like having Pokémon cut out, but I have come to reluctantly accept it. With this, on with the list. Starting with…
12. Swarms/mass outbreaks (Gens II-V)
Route 18? It's a swarm of Exeggcute! I'm on my way!
If you’ve played games from those generations, you probably remember them. The basic mechanic was changed at every Gen, but the concept remains the same: For a limited time, a Pokémon will swarm a single Route or place where it’s not usually found, and will replace most of the encounters you’ll have in the area. Generally, the Pokémon that swarm are of a species that’s not a part of the current game’s regional Dex. It’s a nice bonus to help with completing the National Dex. I especially remember its use in Pokémon HeartGold, where swarms were for Pokémon from the Hoenn and Sinnoh dexes (since the game included Kanto and Johto), and in Pokémon Black/White, where it allowed Pokémon from past Gens to appear on routes otherwise populated exclusively by creatures from the Unova Dex. During Gen VII, it was replaced by the QR Scanner function, which was impractical and annoying since you would encounter only one Pokémon of a family not in the regional Dex. I think it would be neat to have something like this happen again, even if its inclusion in new games might be tricky.
I bought that Link costume something like 3-4 years ago, telling myself I'd get to use it eventually for the blog... Took long enough, but that's FINALLY been done!
I was originally hoping to have this game as my anniversary review this year. Although I like The Legend of Zelda, I feel like I don’t get to talk about the franchise often enough. The third entry in the franchise, subtitled A Link to the Past, was released on April 13th, 1992, in America. The SNES game solidified many of the concepts that were present in the first two, and set the stage for all the ones that would come after.
I eventually decided against reviewing this game for an anniversary, in part because I like said anniversary reviews to be long and detailed, and I need to have a lot to say. I didn’t have the time for such a thing this year. Also, I’ve grown to notice that it’s one of the better-known entries in the series. It’s not as huge as TLoZ: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask or Breath of the Wild, but I’d still classify it among the Top 5. I’ve seen a large community of people playing it to this day, piling on the self-imposed challenges and item randomizers. There are people out there who know this game better than I know my own home, and I’ve never moved in 28 years. So I don't have several parts' worth of things to say about it.
The big reason why I wanted to cover it, however, is that it’s one of the rare few games to have followed me in some form throughout my life. My cousins passed it down to me, in a package that included their SNES console and the rest of their collection, when I was about 10; I borrowed a copy from a friend to play on my Game Boy Advance SP; and I purchased it on the Wii Shop Channel too. I have a great sense of nostalgia for this one.
Hey there. I haven't posted much since my last review.
See, I got a new job - it's a daytime job! Yay! I'm helping to prepare a store before its grand opening... in a little less than a week from now. I am also hoping to go back to 32 hours per week, which is what I did at my previous, nighttime job. The difference is that, this time, I could pull 40-hour weeks without ending up tired beyond words at the end of it! Also, yay, proper sleep schedule.
This week in particular, I'm at the tail end of a 40-hour week because I needed new glasses, and most of what I earned this week will be used to pay for that. Look closely on my next title cards and you'll probably notice them, the new glasses.
What does this mean for the blog? Well, I fully intend to keep on writing. Things haven't really changed on that aspect. I'm also still gaming, using my free time to do so. There was no new review last week, because I was coming off the tail end of a long review (I didn't intend for Ralph Breaks The Internet to hit 4 parts, I thought it would only get to 3), which itself ended an entire month's worth of reviews.
I'm already planning the next set of reviews. No movies this time, but I am hoping to do:
A game I own on Virtual Console;
Possibly a Top 12 list;
A 3DS game;
A Wii game - no, actually, make that two;
Maybe slip in a game from UPlay in there while I'm at it;
A couple one-part reviews of games on Steam;
And then move into another series of quick reviews.
These are the games I'm hoping to cover throughout the next set of quick reviews:
As usual, I will probably go with the shorter games I can do for Wii and 3DS. There are games I could talk about as I've already played them at length, but many of those would require long reviews, and I don't know how much time I have for those at the moment.
So yeah, that's it for now. I need to adapt a little, but other than that things are fine. Now to hope this pandemic doesn't go on for another 6 months. See you soon, hopefully before the end of the year.
(I know, we’re two days after Halloween, I’m late to making horror movie puns. I’m gonna do them anyway!)
That's a striking symbol.
Ralph broke Vanellope’s heart, and in return she snapped his heart-shaped necklace off his neck and tossed it to the depths of the Internet. He finds it smashed in two beneath the rubble of ancient, defunct websites. The little girl, on her end, is walking about and crying over this treason. Her best friend! He wanted to ruin her game, so he could keep her to himself! She’s not some… property! Oh God, there he is, at the turn of the corner…
They're all acting like Ralph, with 100 less IQ!
…He looks weird, like someone removed his brain and replaced it with ham. And what’s that? Another one behind her? They’re acting like zombies only capable of using the word “friend” when they see Vanellope! She runs off from the two, no, three Ralphs, and gets to a wider view of the Internet… SWARMED BY THEM! Ralphs everywhere, attacking every building, causing massive DDoS attacks all over the Web! They’re also attacking every user in sight, thinking it’s their “friend”, and killing them when it’s not, causing those users to lose their connection.
Ralphs! Ralphs as far as the eye can see!
And when one of them notices Vanellope, they all do.
You might not notice at first, but KnowsMore's eyes are 2D-animated on top of his glasses. The animators had fun experimenting with animation with this film.
Vanellope flees and stumbles on KnowsMore again, who takes her into his shack for protection. The red Ralphs swarm the place. One seems to get in – the real one! Mistaken for one of the red Ralphs at first, he gets pelted by books and broken chairs. I say he deserves a couple more books to the face for what he did. KnowsMore, being a very smart search engine, exposits that this is the result of an insecurity virus that copied Ralph’s worst traits – neediness, clinginess, self-destructiveness – over and over, for thousands if not millions of copies. And they’re literally breaking the Internet.
'Breaking the Internet' is supposed to remain figurative.
Ralph immediately asks for a solution, and KnowsMore has two: Put all the clones in therapy or, with Vanellope as bait, bring them all to the Antivirus district, which will make quick work of their basic programming. They quickly call Yesss to come to help them in her luxury browser and she takes them towards the Antivirus part of town, and talks with Vanellope about the lengths Ralph went to in order to help her. This, in turn, gives Vanellope an incentive to have a heartfelt conversation with Ralph, who admits he did all this out of fear of losing her. She rightfully points out how bad of a friend he has been. As for his personal issues, they’re staring him in the face, in the form of millions of zombie-like versions of himself.
"I'm starting to see the 'needy and clingy' part. Not so sure yet about self-destructive..."
I love the tension in this climax. It serves to turn the emotional drama of the film into a genuine threat to our heroes, and forces them to actually resolve that issue. What’s more, a lot of the visuals in these scenes are horrifying, to a level I’d say beyond what one would expect from kid-friendly horror. Emotionally-stunted zombies trying to kidnap a little girl that they call their “friend”. The apocalyptic sight of the Internet swarmed with those things. The sheer number of them. I’m an adult and the implications give me the chills. But that’s far from over as, just as Yesss’ car was about to reach the Antivirus district, the mass of Ralphs behind them forms into a hand that smacks the car away and into the Pinterest building.
Ralphzilla
While Ralph and Yesss try to turn the flipped car back up, Vanellope looks outside and sees the mass of thousands of Ralphs forming into a single, gigantic entity, with empty eye sockets. Okay, say what you want about the flaws in this film, the attention to detail is fantastic, and this thing is genuinely one of the creepiest things to have ever appeared in a Disney film. Seeing this large monstrosity on the big screen was quite an experience.
Mega-Ralph. All Ralphs sold separately.
"I'm gonna wreck ME!"
Ralph faces his own issues, using the pin from Pinterest as a makeshift hammer to smash into the monster while Yesss and Vanellope flee. However, in the fight, the Ralphzilla crashes into the Pinterest building, breaking it and almost making his little friend fall to her death – a fall halted by the monster. With its FRIEEEEEEEND in hand, the Ralph Kong climbs the giant Google building and sits at the top. Our Ralph gets up there using a flying e-mail train, catches Vanellope and takes her to safety, but is then captured and crushed in the thing’s palm.
Damn, I love this climax.
Aw, they're making the monster sad.
To save Ralph, the girl tells Ralphzilla that he won. That she’ll stay with it. Ralph disagrees quite loudly, and finally has a serious talk with his many, many selves. He says that she has to be allowed to live her dreams. That she has to be let free. That it’s gonna hurt, but that as her friend, it’s the right thing for them to do. The kaiju-sized monster actually listens this time, and is torn on the issue, but soon understands and puts her down. It worked. Ralph put all of his clones in therapy, and it worked. What he didn’t count on was the mass of Ralphs lighting up and disappearing… with him now falling down from the great height of the Google building!
Picture taken seconds before a disaster.
Wearing a dress isn't anywhere near the most embarrassing thing Ralph did those past few days.
That’s okay, Spamley is coming with his browser- oh wait, no, Ralph breaks through it. Epic fail. But who’s that? The Princesses from Oh My Disney? Why, of course they weren’t just gonna be a passing gag! Using their combined powers (they're borderline a superhero team), the princesses create something that halts Ralph’s fall, putting him in a princess dress with parachutes attached, and they land him safely on a mattress, where he is then awoken by Tiana… using Naveen in frog form to kiss him. For bonus points, the entire rescue scene is scored with a track that combines the most important song from each princess's movie.
At least he has kept his dignity. Sort of.
(Fairly) Happily Ever After
This is a goodbye, not a farewell.
Cut to a few hours later. The Internet is recovering from the Wreck-It Ralph Virus. Some places have suffered more than others, but things are getting back on track. In that time, Shank was actually able to add Vanellope’s code into Slaughter Race, so she’s really part of the game now – no disappearing if the game has to reboot. Don’t ask me how Shank did it. It’s a bit of an ass pull, to be honest. It should have taken far more than a few hours, if everything was done correctly. It really does feel like Vanellope “going Turbo”, to quote the previous film. This was allegedly meant to mirror the lesson of the previous film (“Be yourself and be happy of what you have, you don’t need more”) by offering an opposite, but equally-valuable lesson (“You can leave your past behind to chase your dreams, but be honest about it to those it may affect”) with a lesson on top about learning to let go. As a result, on the surface, it clashes pretty strongly with the moral and the set rules of the preceding movie.
Huh. I hadn't pinned Sonic as the reader type.
Ralph, making food? I have doubts.
At least they can keep in contact using the communicators from BuzzzTube. And Ralph makes sure to give Vanellope one half of the candy pendant. Ralph goes home. Some time later, the big guy narrates: The Sugar Rush arcade cabinet has been repaired with the new wheel. Somehow, Felix and Calhoun have been able to raise the fifteen bratty candy racers into graceful competitors, compared to the jerks they were before. Yeah, even Surge Protector can’t believe it. As for Ralph, without his little friend, he’s made greater efforts to socialize with the rest of the arcade, joining Zangief’s book club and the arcade’s inhabitants organizing group events in the various games. He’s kept in contact with Vanellope, who will come visit every now and then when Slaughter Race is going through updates… oh, once every couple months. And Ralph is at peace with all this.
See you soon.
Roll credits… We do get, during the credits, the trailer scene where Ralph and Vanellope go in a mobile game and overfeed a rabbit until it explodes, scaring the little girl playing it.
Oh, there’s also a bonus at the end where Ralph rickrolls the audience. What? That’s the only major meme that Ralph hadn't done yet!
"Never gonna wreck you up..." Boom! Just like that, 793 million views!
Final Thoughts
Flossing looks dumb anyway. Ralph, do a riverdance!
Ralph Breaks the Internet is… divisive, to say the least. That was bound to happen to any film that prominently features the Internet, because the viewers tend to be far more knowledgeable about its inner workings than the film’s makers are. Everything goes by fast on the Internet; things are instantaneous, and fame is fleeting. Websites come and go. And movies take a lot of time to make. As a result, a movie about the Internet is going to be dated anywhere from weeks to years after its release. In a couple years, perhaps some real websites featured in this film will no longer exist. Memes tend to be momentary as well, so featuring them in any capacity will date a film really fast. I only remember the floss because it’s the go-to memetic dance people know from a video game, and even the Sonic movie used it!
The first film set that a game cannot function, and will be unplugged, if a vital part of it is missing. In the first film, it's a character. In the second, it's a physical piece.
A good sequel builds upon the foundation of the film(s) it follows, and expands on the ideas and concepts to explore new and interesting scenarios. RBTI builds upon the concept of a living arcade to create a living Internet, with most elements of the Internet getting its equivalent. Programs, algorithms and pop-up ads are its normal denizens, while users go around from site to site in their browsers. Fair enough. The movie also builds on the rules of the previous movie, namely “If you die outside your game, you die for real” and “Game-jumping, not a good idea”. Yeah, that last one gets thrown out the window…
Vanellope game-jumping into Slaughter Race is meant to be a much happier lesson, since she gets to follow her dreams instead of staying with what she knows, but it clashes so strongly with the rules and morals of the previous film that it annoyed a lot of viewers. I was one of them. I think it still annoys me a little; I do understand the intention, but the execution isn’t great.
Is either Felix or Sgt. Tamora Calhoun your favorite character? Too bad for you!
The lack of Felix and Calhoun for 80% of the film; Ralph becoming this extremely insecure guy for the sake of the plot; the omnipresence of product placement, even if it’s for the sake of making the film’s Internet feel close to reality; Shank’s bogus excuse for killing off players for the sake of challenge, when she doesn’t even give them a chance to actually fight; the ridiculous monetization system behind BuzzzTube, through which Ralph somehow still manages to collect the money to pay for the Sugar Rush steering wheel; the very weird time frame in which most of the film takes place; the shameless Disney self-promotion; the inevitable fallout between friends that leads to the protagonist doing something stupid, severing the friendship, and paving the way for the climax. These are some of my issues with the film. Some annoy me more than others. I see all of those as valid critiques of the film, and even then I’m sure there are things I didn’t notice.
All that detail.
But for all the criticism I have for the film, there’s still a lot of good I can say. The metaphor of the living Internet, while a little clumsy at times, is an interesting idea that manages to (mostly) make sense. I can’t fault them, it was a lot of moving pieces, and some were not going to fit entirely right. Then there's all those times Ralph and Vanellope encounter the “real world” in some way, which leads to funny moments. The new characters made for the film are enjoyable; KnowsMore, Spamley, Shank (even if I still disagree with her point of view that players who have been gaming non-stop for 31 hours didn’t put enough effort in the game!), and even Double Dan.
Are those Mario question blocks in the background?
Then there’s the sheer amount of detail, with some scenes featuring thousands of unique users, and some of the finer details, right down to character mannerisms and the mechanical and erratic way players move in Slaughter Race, much like actual characters from a multiplayer online game. In spite of it being self-promotion, Vanellope’s time at Oh My Disney leads to a lot of great scenes. “Casual Princesses” is one of my favorite things to come out of this film. I appreciate the mention of “don’t read the comments”, even if the movie doesn’t do much with that in the end. Vanellope’s musical number is a hilarious self-parody of the usual Disney tropes. And, to top it off, the final threat with the army of Ralph clones and their combined form…
In short: If you're willing to dig into the details, you get the impression that the animators at Disney tried to have fun doing this one. A lot of fun. Perhaps at the detriment of quality in places, but the whole film has a big sense of fun.
I’ve listed a lot more things I like about this movie than things I dislike. I think I like it just fine, because I see enough positives in it to find it enjoyable, and its flaws, while they can be annoying, don’t take me out of the experience too much. I would say it’s up to each to make up their mind on it. And if you don’t like it because the film’s issues are too big for you, I definitely get it.
This concludes Movie Month. See you, hopefully soon, for new game reviews.
Come on Ralph, you were just buying yourself a ticket to Fortnite with this.
Ralph is immediately put to work on the creation of as many viral videos as possible. The screaming goat, the ghost pepper challenge, ASMRs, makeup tutorials, dancing tutorials (including the floss – dammit, Ralph, that’s so 2018! It’s dated- Oh, right, this film came out in 2018), Bob Ross videos, commentary on videos of cute animals, cooking recipes… He even does bee puns! He’s become so big in such a short amount of time, even TV is talking about it! And, much like she promised, Yesss has put the entire program workforce of BuzzzTube to the task, her pop-ups traveling across the Internet to redirect everyone to Ralph’s content, to rack up as many views as possible. It’s a surprise Ralph even has time to take a break, with all the videos he has to make in record time.
You know, it’s strange to think about, but Ralph surprisingly doesn’t spend a lot of time in the movie metaphorically “breaking the Internet”. Something’s up.
Gotta admire how Yesss is in a different outfit in every new scene where she appears.
Vanellope thinks this looks fun and pesters Yesss to become a pop-up ad. The algorithm agrees, though unlike the regular pop-ups, she’ll be given royal treatment, using the blue lady’s own browser to reach destination. Ralph still fears for her well-being, but eventually agrees to let her do this. He does, however, chooses where she goes, moving her away from the gaming district (where Yesss originally wanted to send her), too close to Slaughter Race for the gentle giant’s tastes, and he instead redirects her to a family-friendly fansite.
Commence self-promotion!
Star Wars and Marvel definitely don't need the extra promotion. The Muppets should have gotten more.
Vanellope walks into Oh My Disney. This place is so big, it’s like visiting DisneyLand – except better. Disney’s properties coexist alongside Pixar, the Muppets, Star Wars and Marvel, all to remind you just how big and uncomfortable of a monopoly the company is starting to have over the entertainment industry (And they have acquired MORE since this film came out!). Vanellope sneaks into some of the activities to get users to click her pop-up. The “Which Princess Would Be Your BFF” quiz, the Q&A with Baby Groot…
"He's already told you three times that he was Groot. Look, this is Ralph, go check him out!"
By the way, fun fact about that one; in French, Groot says “Je s’appelle Groot”, a grammatically-incorrect phrase that would roughly translate to “I’s name is Groot”. In that segment, in the Quebec French version, Vanellope mimics Groot’s speech pattern as she gets a user to click on her pop-up, saying “I’s name is Vanellope”. I like when translations do jokes like that.
This movie is basically "Vanellope Gets Honorary Sisters: The Movie".
The girl gets in trouble with guards, so she flees through the backstage area and finds herself in the Princesses’ shared room. All fourteen of them get into attack mode, only to realize it’s just a kid. Upon the candy-haired child saying she’s a princess, the others quiz her on her experiences as a Princess. What do you know, Vanellope answers correctly to just enough questions to fit in with the group!
"I don't even have a mom!" "Neither do we!" All of these Princesses look entirely too happy about this. Vanellope's face is what sells it.
If this is what they're going to wear on their off-time, it begs the question; how do these characters get any off-time on the Internet? Their website is live... ...well, almost all the time, like all websites!
Upon noticing the kart racer’s clothes, the princesses are wowed, and set to make casual clothing for themselves to wear when they’re off-the-clock. Cinderella’s mice get to work, and… Oh, I’m so glad this movie made Casual Princesses a thing. I don’t know what it is about the change that appeals to me so much, I guess it’s because it makes all these women look like the “girl next door” type rather than the “unapproachable important person” type. (Why yes, in the Betty VS Veronica debate, I'm always Team Betty.) Ariel starts singing about these new clothes as if she had wanted them her whole life. Vanellope doesn’t get it, until the other princesses tell her to try to sing about what she really wants. That doesn’t work, but she’s told not to give up! On this, another quiz is about to start, so the princesses will have to resume work in their… er… uniforms.
We even get a Stan Lee cameo.
I’ve heard a lot of people complain that this entire segment is shameless self-promotion. Okay, I agree; it feels like an attempt to shove as many Disney properties in one place as possible, like a massive multiplayer crossover we’d never get otherwise. We get cameos from characters, both old and new, and some moments really feel like direct promotion for the company. In the story, this isn’t Disney’s website, but a highly-popular fan site. There is a little bit of payoff in the end for all this, as the Princesses show up again later, but even then, it sounds like them tooting their own horn.
Confirmed: Peter Pan's shadow is part of the cast at Oh My Disney. He probably stays in the shade.
That said, while it doesn’t take away entirely the sensation of shamelessness, Disney does use these scenes to poke fun at themselves, their fans (in a friendly manner, of course), and their most common story tropes. Like how so many Princesses don’t have moms. It also feels like the characters are, in some ways, similar to their original incarnations in previous Disney films, but also slightly different in personality and mannerisms – like I said, this is a fan site, so it’s not the actual princesses, but rather, inaccurate fandom interpretations of them.
A CGI reboot of House of Mouse this unfortunately wasn’t.
Don’t Read the Comments
"They're gonna watch MY stuff, not a dumb cat!" BTW, according to my calculations at the end of part 2, Ralph's goat video netted him about 500$.
Ralph is almost done with his task; and that’s good, as the eBoy notification shows up to tell him that his bid will expire in 30 minutes. But it’s alright, Yesss is uploading the last of his videos. A bee pun! (Yesss complains that those are popular on her site. You named your platform BuzzzTube. You brought it upon yourselves.) Yesss has tech issues and struggles to upload that video, so Ralph goes into the main area of the place to suck in a couple last hearts, even forcing people to watch his stuff.
He stumbles on an empty area and stumbles upon the comments section. Ralph reads a few positive ones, then many negative ones, and realizes that the negative outweigh the positive! Blasphemy! I’ve always wanted John C. Reilly voicing the goat that bleats like a chain smoker! To see so much spite for him on the Internet. Some of those are really nasty. It almost breaks his big heart.
There will always be complainers on the Internet, Ralph. Yes, irony duly noted that I'm one of them sometimes. But, always remember the little moments of laughter you gave to so many people with your videos.
Little piece of critique here; for the metaphor of the living Internet as a big city, websites had to be rethought as buildings, and for the most part, we saw BuzzzTube as a sort of nightclub, with the videos constantly on display. The comment sections is a separate area, away from prying eyes, with just a couple column screens showing the comments. What’s a normal video-sharing site like? The comments are below the video! That took me out of the immersion a bit. I admit that a metaphor like this has a lot of pieces that had to be accounted for, and some have to be modified to enhance the dramatic tension of the film. It would have made more sense if the comments were shown at every video in some way in the main room, but maybe that’s the only way they found to make this work.
They did get the whole “Don’t read the comments” part right, though. That’s a one-way ticket to sadness.
Even Yesss knows how rotten those can be at times.
...Well! Looks like Ralph's videos did get something like 18 billion views!
Yesss arrives and quotes that rule of the Internet verbatim, but also announces that with Ralph’s newest video, he did it – he collected the full amount of money he needed, and some extra! A grand total over 30K$! Hm, I wonder what he’s gonna do with the remaining 3,126$... Either way, he has saved Vanellope’s game, he can’t wait to tell her! Off to ebay, to pay for that wheel!
Wait, he was short on money and short on time not even four minutes ago, and in this little time he gathered more than three thousand dollars? Even with the platform’s stupid system? Let me refer you to my statement at the end of Part 2 that Hollywood doesn’t understand how video-sharing sites work, especially in regards to monetization.
Off to ebay, with eboy! If ebay ever needs a mascot...
Less Self-Promotion, More Self-Parody
"This is the only puddle I've found that reflected my image this well! Why isn't this working??"
Meanwhile, Vanellope has thought about what the Princesses of Oh My Disney have told her, and is looking at herself in a puddle, trying to figure out what she really wants. She gets a call from Ralph on the portable device they got from Yesss – this thing is nice, it emits holograms! Ralph tells her, and he looks so happy that he completed his mission. But Vanellope? She doesn’t seem so sure. Looking into the puddle again, she sees it – she finds herself in Slaughter Race. And she starts singing – a lot better than earlier.
"This is the edge I've always wanted!"
Vanellope would even have a mini-car all to herself! With candy skulls painted on!
This is the classic Disney Princess song about hopes and dreams, and Disney parodied every aspect of that borderline-tired trope of theirs in this musical number, the only one in the film. Instead of being cute, it’s set in an apocalyptic city with crime and crooks and danger everywhere. If you’ve seen enough of those “I Want” songs, you may feel that they’re… syrupy, for lack of a better word. It’s not that they sound the same, but the visuals associated to the theme tend to be very similar. The funny part is that Slaughter Race is bending over to comply with the usual images of an "I Want" song while retaining its "adult game" edge (sharks in sewers, tattoo artists, dumpsters on fire, flamethrowers, creepy clowns, actual explosions instead of fireworks… the list goes on).
For bonus points, this song was composed by Alan Menken, who did several of the great Disney songs. And as later scenes show, Vanellope isn’t just merely imagining these, either, as she drives later in the film the car that she gets during that musical number. The song ends with Vanellope seeing Ralph in the patterns of holes in the moon, and becomes unsure of what to do – she wants to stay in Slaughter Race, but knows that Ralph would disapprove.
...I might as well share the song,
No Villain?
Ah, the good old rule of drama that will lead to the inevitable fallout between friends and the Darkest Hour. Almost as inevitable in modern Disney as twist villains are.
Ralph has paid for the wheel and is ready to go home, and chats with Spamley outside of ebay for a bit. Overjoyed, he contacts Vanellope through the BuzzzTube smart devices. Her own device falls on a car seat and opens the call, but with Ralph muted – he, however, sees and hears everything. He sees Vanellope talking to Shank about her desire to stay in Slaughter Race, because she likes that she never knows what’s going to happen next and the street racing is so much more interesting. And all this, in spite of the massive amount of work Ralph put into saving her original game. (Also, wasn't it seen as a BAD thing to game-jump in the previous film?)
A heartbroken Ralph ends the call, with Spamley sympathizing at his side. However, soon, the big guy starts having an idea, one that will prove to be the worst he’s ever had; he will slow down Slaughter Race to bore Vanellope of it, so she’ll go back with him to the arcade. He remembers the virus in the TRON cabinet, and asks Spamley if he knows anyone who deals in viruses. Spamley does know someone… and thus, takes Ralph to the Dark Net.
Disney acknowledges the Dark Web as a place to buy stolen credit cards, social security numbers, and viruses. Thank God they don't talk about anything worse, like hitmen-for-hire. And there's even worse than that out there.
Oh, we’re really going there? Looks like we are. Holy crap, that's an extremely dark topic to even allude to in a Disney movie. Of course, we’re gonna skip all the really horrible stuff in the Dark Web, this highly-illegal, highly-criminal, everything-wrong-and-awful-about-humanity-can-be-received-or-requested-as-long-as-you-can-pay corner of the Internet that most people won't even see during their life. Spamley takes Ralph to Gord’s cousin Double Dan, a large slug-like creature with a second face in his neck, his “little brother”.
This guy is bigger than Ralph!
This film gets frequently mislabeled as having no villain; it does have one (and even two), it's Double Dan and his virus, if only because they are indirectly the cause of much of what happens afterwards (with Ralph being the main cause, due to what he requests of the slug guy). A villain alright, but one that doesn't directly antagonize the protagonists, nor is he connected to their story, aside from that one contribution.
I love the attention to detail: Note how "Arthur" the insecurity virus, released for demonstration, immediately fixates on Double Dan's "brother", which as we've seen makes Dan very insecure on a personal level.
Dan isn't even on-screen for five minutes, yet his role is major. I praised character designs in Part 1 of this review for a reason; I was building up to this. One thing that I love is when villains are a direct foil to the protagonist, in beliefs and in appearance. Double Dan is severely overprotective of his “little brother”, as it’s a living being that can’t defend itself or show any sort of personality or individuality, much less live on its own. A direct foil to the main conflict, in which Ralph is afraid of letting go of Vanellope, afraid that since she’s a complete individual with tastes that differ from his, they’ll grow apart.
....I kind of want a Wreck-It Ralph 3 where Double Dan is the main villain.
Ralph eventually explains his idea to Dan: Just slow the game, hurt nobody, make Slaughter Race boring. The slug-like thing has just what it takes; a worm-like virus he called Arthur. Dan explains that this is an insecurity virus; it will seek insecurities, AKA weak points in the coding, and copy it until the game is rendered unplayable, or “boring”. The big rule: Do NOT let it get out of the game. Ralph leaves with the virus, and as planned, releases it in Vanellope’s new favorite place.
Good Job, Ralph
The place is going crazy!
Vanellope was participating in a mission, aiding Shank and her gang against a gamer doing a single-player mission, when it happened. (By the way, how unfair does Vanellope make the game against human players now that Shank’s gang has TWO ace drivers?) Arthur hadn’t found any flaws in the coding until it studied Vanellope and saw her own insecurities about Ralph… which tend to trigger her glitch. It proceeds to copy Vanellope’s glitch onto buildings of the city, and over and over, to the point where even the outside of the building on the Internet is glitching. Ralph realizes this, and since the game is about to be rebooted to remove the glitches, he has a very short window of time to save his friend.
Once again, we’re given a very arbitrary time limit (60 seconds) for something that would realistically take much longer to achieve (rescuing someone). This movie has a lot of time-based problems.
Just in time! It's always just in time.
You did bad things to keep her around forever. Now you may have lost her forever. Great job, Ralph.
The big guy finds his best friend, fainted in her car, under a toppled building, and takes her out of the online game just in time. After she regains consciousness, she blames herself for glitching the game. While trying to reassure her, Ralph inadvertently admits to releasing the virus himself. They have an argument, Vanellope gets mad, snaps the little candy heart pendant (which she had made for him during the previous movie) off his neck, and tosses it to the depths of the Internet before leaving, heartbroken.
Oh, Ralph, you fucked up. Big time. Mind, the movie never tries to show him in the right, either. It's genuinely the worst thing he could have done and it's treated as such. And that’s not counting Arthur the worm virus, which has escaped Slaughter Race. It studies Ralph, sees his extreme insecurities, and starts copying them across the Internet…
Uh oh. Things are about to get horrifying. And what a coincidence, Halloween is tomorrow!
