"Rated M" Month: South Park: The Stick of Truth (Part 3)

Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3

The fucked-up conclusion to this fucked-up game!

Forging Alliances

Babies: Surprisingly effective weapons.

After the previous night’s discovery of Clyde’s massive fortress, the members of Kupa Keep regroup at the Elven Kingdom in Kyle’s backyard and realize that they need even more help than what they’ve got. They quickly task the New Kid, who has an incredible talent for making friends, with the crucial mission of recruiting… the girls. With that, the last two buddies are unlocked: Kyle, who uses his anger to defeat his enemies and sometimes kicks the goddamn baby at them, and Cartman, whose ass has power rivaling Douchebag’s.

The Sparkle Council... I guess.

It starts out easy enough, by helping one girl get her Justin Bieber doll back from a bully. Douchebag is then brought to the girls’ meeting room, where the girls are trying to figure out whether one of the girls, Monica, is spreading a rumor about Allie going to the abortion clinic. You’re tasked with posing as Bebe’s boyfriend from overseas to catch Monica as a cheater. Speaking of, damn, the girls of South Park sure talk a lot about figuring out who’s a “two-faced bitch”, huh? If that’s what social politics as a girl is like, then fuck me, am I glad I’ve always been a cis dude! Girls, girls of South Park. The quicker you figure out you’re all two-faced bitches, the quicker you’ll learn to live in real harmony with each other. Following that mission…

Unplanned Parenthood

Wendy Testaburger (whom I always thought had a name that made her predestined to become a food critic) then asks Douchebag to sneak into the abortion clinic and take pictures of records in order to prove Allie didn’t go there. First, the boy has to be disguised as a girl.

And hey, if the New Kid discovers a new gender
identity through this, more power to them!

Nice infiltration tactic, but the long burning
sword kinda gives it away.

Then, the (remember: 9 years old) kid has to go into the clinic as a client. Nobody in the place even bats an eye at this. Douchebag undergoes the “procedure”, breaking the abortion machine with his abnormally powerful sphincter (…here goes another sentence I never thought I’d write), and then while the doctor is out of the room to fetch tools to repair it, disguises as a nurse using the clothing found lying about. In that new disguise, we can sneak into the records room and snap photos of the records. That’s when we stumble on Randy Marsh again, who’s been doing his own investigation and also ended up at the clinic. The government’s agents are here as well, trying to figure out whether the Nazi Zombie Virus has spread, and they quickly quarantine the place upon picking up signals.

Man, this plot is just one big trauma after
the next. The New Kid will be lucky if he
leaves the adventure with his sanity intact.

To escape, the New Kid has to shrink using the newly-acquired Gnome Dust and fights Nazi zombie rats and underpants gnomes (or makes noise to have the government soldiers kill them for him). He re-emerges in an operation room, where Randy hides, also disguised as a woman ready for a procedure. And when agents walk in, you actually have to perform an “abortion” on Randy (massive fucking air quotes on that one). That mini-game is shit, too, and very easy to fail, snagging and ripping one of Randy’s testicles off and the agents thinking the two are zombies and shooting, killing the kid and causing a game over. It’s one of the few parts of the game that was also censored in some parts of the world. ‘Cause apparently, the Mr. Slave summon attack was fine in comparison.

No, no, no no no no no! Jesus Christ,
the jokes in this freaking game...

What, and I cannot stress this enough,
the actual fuck?

With that done, we’re not killed, but the agents run off as zombies are in the place. How? Well, the alien goo infected fetuses. You are literally going to fight nazi zombie fetuses. Your LARP allies show up to help, though! It’s a puzzle to progress through the next section, using all of the Kid’s powers to escape. But even then, you still have to fight the boss… a giant nazi zombie fetus. Let’s… let’s just get this boss fight over with, alright? Clever fight at least; you have to kill the umbilical cord first or it will heal the main boss to full health while inflicting damage to the party.

With that done, we leave the clinic. Can’t ever go back, either, so you better have grabbed that Chinpokomon.

Heading North / O Canada

Back to the girls’ headquarters, we find out that the abortion records are written in French, and could be translated in a place that speaks it, somewhere in the mystical Northern Empire of the Canadas. Oh, they’re gonna reference Canadian French? Hey, quick aside, you know what is South Park’s greatest missed opportunity? They reference Quebec a couple times, but for a show this vulgar, they never, never, NEVER once used our colorful, blasphemous curse words! Ostie de crisse de câlisse de sacrament de viarge de ciboire de tabarnak! See? They have options! Stone, Parker, do something with these! Just once, it’s all I ask!

I wish the game would let us do much worse to
those people.

Cartman provides Douchebag with a (stolen) passport, it’s just missing a photo that we get from the Photo Dojo. The employee there tries to take a picture of Douchebag naked, but is stopped short by the actual photograph, whom had been beaten. In the ensuing fight, we get to kick the pedophile in the nutsack – I call that a good day! With this, we can go to Canada.

Well that's an unexpected style change...

The border patrol Mountie lets the player through. Canada is rendered in bird’s view 16-bit graphics, and you need to exchange your American money for Canadian cash to buy anything from the shops. Or sell random shit, you’ll get Canadian bucks for it. We somehow get embroiled in the bizarre and inexplicable politics of the Northern cousins – a mix of democracy and monarchy with some religion thrown in.

Sounds about right. And from the point of view of me, a Canadian, it’s hilarious.

If I can avoid killing one guy, I'll try!

The New Kid has to combat dire wild animals – they’re like normal wild animals, but DIRE – on this quest for someone who understands the French language. The only one who could read it, the Minister of Montreal, was imprisoned by the Prince in the Caverns of Quebec. To be allowed to see him, we are asked to kill the Bishop of Banff and brings back proof to the Prince – either the Bishop’s testicles, or (if we spare him) dire pig testicles instead. Straight-up Snow White bullcrap, I tell you. But the Prince doesn’t honor his promise, so instead, we find Terence and Philip in Vancouver and learn the last fart ability in the game: The Nagasaki. Please tell me I don’t need to explain that name. This last fart can destroy massive boulders, and Douchebag uses it to free the Minister, finally getting that goddamn document translated.

The Nagasaki, a wall-breaking fart, is presented
by Canadian superstars Terence, Philip, and
a blatant nod to The Matrix.

Back in South Park, the girls get their answers, thank Douchebag, and promise to join the war.

Beat up Clyde

Everyone regroups in front of Clyde’s house: Humans, elves, goths, girls, kindergartners, the Federation (that’s just Kevin the Star Trek nerd who didn’t even trade his Spock ears for elf ears, the loser)... They all burst into Clyde’s house and attack the backyard. The final dungeon is… well, about as impressive as a giant treehouse can be.

How did Clyde (and his dad) build this
in only a few days?

Well, one is easy to tell apart from the rest.
The real Craig among the other four, though...

As you climb up the floors of the treehouse, you encounter normal kids, but also Nazi Zombies, further proof that Clyde is actually using the damn alien goo. That’s beyond the realm of the LARP! All of your abilities come into use in some way, usually to defeat more opponents or open gates in the way. We soon encounter Craig, the Level 14 Thief, who can throw up to three Nazi Zombie cows with bomb bandoliers at the party. He joins the fight as well, playing a duplication trick where four more kids show up dressed exactly like him, and you have to figure out which one is the real Craig. A very clever battle within both the game’s system and their pretend game’s rules.

Past this, we encounter Randy again, all dressed up for the LARP. He says that those who claim to be Taco Bell, who said they wanted to nuke the town, were looking for someone to shove the nuke into. Why was it necessary to shove the nuke into someone, that’s never explained. But since they couldn’t get their hands on the records of South Park’s women at the abortion clinic, they went for the second option…

NOPE

…Mister Slave. And now you have to disarm it by shrinking, going up Mister Slave’s ass, and practicing an “abortion” on the bomb (hence the mini-game from earlier).

Screw you guys, I’m going home! And if you do control the New Kid to leave the room, the bomb instantly explodes in a mushroom cloud. The end, roll credits!

Final thou-

So, does that mean that Mr. Slave shoved a...
up his... God damn it.

That can happen, but… sigh… if you do want to finish the game, you have to do that dungeon. Was it really fucking necessary? Augh! Let’s skip as much of this as possible: There are normal enemies here, mostly bacteria – so yes, if you’ve held on to it so far today, you can use the Mr. Slave summon while within Mr. Slave’s own ass. It includes a fight against some sort of anal spirit that’s a sparrow for some reason… Fuck me, the shit this game makes me write down… And for some reason, there are two government guys up there as well, guarding the area of the thermonuclear device.

No, I don’t know HOW they're there. I don’t have the answer, I don’t want the fucking answer.

Ah, for fuck's fucking sake. Fuck!

Douchebag plays the abortion mini-game on the bomb to disarm it, which somehow works; then, he’s spat out by Mr. Slave and returns to his normal size. Oh, the spirits in there? I’d rather not talk about it.

The last time I saw glitching like this that bad,
it was in Disneyland Adventures.

Okay, beating up Clyde. We get to the Throne Room and Clyde gloats over his upcoming victory. I had a few issues with them prior to this moment, such as times where the animation got delayed badly from the spoken lines, but this is where the cutscenes started seriously shitting the bed on my computer. Douchebag lept glitching in and out of existence as though the game couldn’t remember what the fuck he looked like at that moment. And it happens to the other main characters too! It’s even worse just before the final boss. Oh, Clyde? He’s not the final boss. Neither is the dead guy he awakens from his casket thanks to the alien goo. Who? It’s Chef.

We have to fight a Nazi Zombie Chef. Would be gut-wrenching, heartbreaking even for the kids. And he’s a tough boss, with loads of HP and strong moves. When you struggle out of his strongest move, he regains consciousness just long enough to refuse fighting, only for Clyde to shoot more alien goo at him and revert him to a Nazi Zombie, dammit. Eventually, Chef is defeated and the corpse is burned and exploded, deader than dead. Clyde gives up the game and is kicked out of his tower by Cartman, who then promotes our character to King Douchebag for his heroism – but it’s not over…

Oh look, another mashing sequence. At least,
when you struggle out, Chef is horrified at
himself and does nothing for a turn.

Oh, and this cutscene? Several minutes long,
and unskippable, probably just so it can annoy
the player.

The Big Bad Government Guy busts in with soldiers and they try to arrest… the Dragonborn? He reveals that the new kid’s name actually is Dovahkiin – see, there’s a reason why I mentioned that stuff about Skyrim at the start! The kid was sought by the government not for his farts, but for his nigh-supernatural talent at making friends online and in real life. Tying the Friends collection quest into the plot, I see… And yet, it works. BBGG explains his agency tracking down supernatural occurrences. Upon picking up the Stick of Truth, wondering why Douchebag cares about it so much, and being explained its purpose, BBGG mistakes the kids’ make-believe fantasy for a reality and, certain that the normal wooden branch genuinely CONTROLS THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE, goes “Fuck the government!” and strips, with pubic hair and saggy dick and balls out for all to see.

Betrayal from Within

Oh hey, I haven't had to censor anything
on this blog in a while.

He offers Douchebag to join him in “ruling the universe”, which we decline… but Princess Kenny accepts. Morgan Freeman even shows up to explain some silly lore about Kenny’s role in the LARP and the character’s intentions, which had been to steal the Stick the entire time. Kenny lodges the Stick in his parka, then after a first lost battle, willingly drinks some alien goo, becoming a Nazi Zombie Princess cosplayer and the final boss of the story.

I've never cheered at a baby getting kicked before. Ike
hits hard enough to make Kenny drop the vial of alien
goo, preventing the zombie form from regaining strength.

And if you know anything about his superpower, then you can imagine that this fight will be unconventional. Anytime you take Kenny’s HP down to zero, he’ll just revive. You can’t kill Kenny! Instead, you have to play the battle in parts. Butters, Jimmy, Stan and Kyle all have a phase where they’re necessary to stop one of Kenny’s special moves, preventing the boss from using that trick again. After all four have had their turn, Cartman will grab Kenny from behind and ask Douchebag to break the oath by farting on Kenny’s balls. (I tried kicking them; that didn’t work.) One fart is all it takes, though, and the broken oath results in not just the battle ending, but somehow the entire Nazi Zombie plague negated and the alien goo’s effects cancelled.

....Dammit, I can't even censor that one.

Seeing all the trouble their fight over it has caused, the boys throw the Stick of Truth into Stark’s Pond. Oh, they’ll keep playing their game, they’ll find new stakes, is all. As for Douchebag? He stuns everyone when he speaks, a swift “Screw you guys, I’m going home” and he leaves. Oh, he’ll play again the next day, if you decide to finish the other quests. And, that’s all!

Final thoughts

Sorry it took me so long to get here, there was just so much to say about the plot. Well, might as well start with it. Fans of South Park who haven’t played the game yet, if there are any out there, will love this one. It feels like an extended episode of the show, if not a new movie. The setting is peppered with dozens, if not hundreds, of references to the show’s canon, with most of the townsfolks appearing, nods to several different episodes throughout (that billboard near the Town Hall is the best example), and even references in the enemies, attacks, and other settings of the game. As one of so many examples, Cartman’s final move lets him electrocute enemies through the chip in his head, which he activates by cursing. And yes, the tone is most definitely here as well, with jokes as offensive, stupid, gross and (sometimes) satirical as the ones in the show. If that’s what you’re looking for, you’re at the right place. Parker and Stone did it: A game that represents their oeuvre as accurately as they desired.

The entire game is animated really well using the popular South Park style. Now, if only there were n't some key cutscenes that glitched badly, like the scenes just before the final boss(es), or the meeting held by the BBGG about the Nazi Zombies in the temporary facility...

Ah... yep, still very satisfying.

Gameplay is fairly solid. The game overall felt rather easy to me on Normal difficulty. First, in battle. The basics are easy to get a hold of, but there are enough intricacies to keep battles fresh and interesting. The many status effects, as an example, or tricks later enemies use to protect themselves. The moves are all pretty clever and can be upgraded/improved as you level up, and there are several perks to unlock based on the number of Facebook friends you’ve made (but you can’t unlock them all, so choose wisely). The level cap at 15 means you’ll hit the max level before you beat the story, and the huge number of pieces of equipment and weapons (and “strap-ons” to equip onto them) means that you have a great level of freedom in building your character. There are difficulty options, so you can boost up the difficulty if Normal doesn’t feel challenging enough; and enemies scale up along to your level, so the game never gets “breeze through everything in seconds” easy either.

Friends of all ages and parts of society and-
Holy crap, you can even friend the Christmas Critters?
Those are supposed to be imaginary!

Several puzzle sections are pretty clever.

Now, on the exploration side of things: The game attempts to be like a Metroidvania of sorts, adapted to an RPG, with areas that are inaccessible until you get the required ability (Buddy Command, Shoot, Probe or Gnome Dust). In small situations, it’s a quick way to a new Facebook friend or a Chinpokomon. Several of these also allow Douchebag to avoid battles by taking the enemies out, using elements of the surroundings. Several important scenes turn into exploration puzzles where you have to figure out how to progress, using your abilities and farts. The downside is that as you progress, a lot of collection things are really, really, really fucking easy to miss (costume sets, Facebook friends and even Chinpokomon). And some areas are no longer accessible once you’re done with them (the UFO and the abortion clinic being the biggest examples), so there are collection quests or achievements that are nigh-impossible to get unless you know exactly what not to miss.

Yes, most of the raunchiest gags from the show
make an appearance in some way, shape or
form here.

Oh, very quick: I hate the attacks and sequences that involve heavy button-mashing, and I also hate the abortion mini-game (not because of its content, but because it's poorly-explained and easy to fail as a result – and why was it banned in some countries? The BBGG's old wrinkly dick went by just fine!).

The music is also awesome, from the fantasy-inspired tracks to the other epic songs. On a more comical note, all over the place you can hear actual songs from the show (such as the “Christmastime” song during the abortion mini-games… both of them).

Amazing game, if you love South Park you should love it. That said, another game, “The Fractured But Whole” (heh) came out and plays out very differently to “The Stick of Truth”, with people preferring one to the other for various reasons. I will probably cover that one someday.

Well, that’s a big piece off my plate – tune in next Friday for the last M-rated review of the month.