Have you ever heard of Benjamin Daniel? …I don’t blame you if you haven’t, he isn’t the most known guy on the Internet. Maybe you know him more under his reviewer name Benzaie. Does that ring a bell? The Frenchman from Kickassia who travelled around with a talking teddy bear? The one who dressed up as some Conan type guy in Suburban Knights? …Maybe you know him for this kind of comedy (warning: not quite safe for work)…
…Don’t worry, I had pretty much the same reaction as
Angry Joe.
Those were things my straight eyes were never meant to
see.
Probably not the most recent photo, but whatever. |
His character is the Hard Corner storekeeper: A dirty long-haired guy who gathers collector items and gaming memorabilia and makes VHS videos about them. Of course, he’s a hardcore gamer who refuses casual gaming and prefers the challenges of old-school arcade and console gaming. This guy’s got issues. On the other hand, which reviewer doesn’t?
As this review's title card can attest, I actually met Benzaie when I went to the G-Anime convention, back in January. Awesome guy, super friendly, I can only say good
things about him. Among other things, he was there to promote his little
independent movie called Hard Corner Le Film, which is meant as an origin story
of sorts for his metalhead hardcore gamer character. It’s not long, just 66 minutes long, perfect for a two-part review. And besides, this movie
is too funny to remain unseen. It’s got Benzaie’s personal brand of humor
and touches on a lot of interesting topics… which, of course, are all crushed
by the massive amount of sex jokes. It's not for everyone, and it may be too vulgar for some, but it's still a thing to witness. Yeah, sure, I’m gonna be making fun of this
film in this review, but Benzaie is an Internet comedian and reviewer himself, he’ll understand,
right? Okay, let's start!
If you want to watch this film while reading the review (which will give a detailed description of the plot, as usual), it's available on YouTube. Just go here. And don't worry; for those who wish to learn how to say these characters' names, a pronunciation guide has been added to this part of the review.
If you want to watch this film while reading the review (which will give a detailed description of the plot, as usual), it's available on YouTube. Just go here. And don't worry; for those who wish to learn how to say these characters' names, a pronunciation guide has been added to this part of the review.
The movie opens on crappy animation presenting to us
an old 80s-ish cartoon titled Alpha Man. A He-Man pastiche with all the
innuendo that the original series was known for, such as doubtful dialogue, phallic and spherical
objects placed in suggestive ways, and- Dammit, a dick already? With this tower and those domes? We’re six
seconds into the freaking movie! Six seconds, and there’s already a suggested
dick onscreen!
Anyway, main character Alphonse Alpha reveals his super persona Alpha
Man, summoned in a manner eerily similar to He-Man. We cut back to see a young Benzaie watching the show with
undying passion, asking his mother if he can one day be like Alpha Man. …Which
is not really a thing to aim for when you’re into video games and crappy 80s
cartoons.
High school sucked? I already relate to that. |
Well, at least he's working in his domain of expertise... |
The client walks up to the counter, and Benzaie does
his welcoming intro, only stopping short when he remembers that this isn’t his
store and he has to say Jean Gaming. Yeah, that’s a pretty ugly name. It fits
the guy who found it. The client demands to get the latest Mario game… for the
PlayStation… the one that plays with a camera…
I always seem to be picking images of the characters in the middle of something normal, yet the freeze-frame gives them a stupid expression. Gotta love when it happens. |
Wait, are there really such stupid clients out there?
I mean, this request is so stupid that it instantly causes Benzaie’s nose to
bleed. Normal reaction. After getting the client to leave,
Benzaie takes out his anger on a Goomba plushie (I take it that even in the
real world, those are deceptively easy to defeat), and then prepares the store
for closing before going home.
A geeky guy with a non-geeky girl. This can only end well. |
“One of the clients asked me if he needed Internet to play online! That’s like asking if you need an asshole to take a shit!”
I guess anyone who has worked any length of time at a store has seen at least one client like this.
I call this screenshot "Manchild Marveling at Mounds". |
After “Bibiche” leaves the room, Benzaie prepares to
play Solstice, a classic NES game. He expertly puts the cartridge in the console,
closes the lid, and turns the console on, all with his foot. Too bad his
pediatric skills don’t have a use anywhere else.
That's a throbbing - er, I mean, troubling - image. |
Dammit, the innuendos just keep on piling up.
Well, he sure knows how to put on a Stepford smile. |
Well, fuck.
Though, still lacking in the subtlety department,
Benzaie has the careless habit of insulting these clients as soon as they leave
the store… just as Jean-Guy steps in, to being unwelcomingly called a Magikarp.
For his troubles, Benzaie gets another green booger stuck to his glasses.
Well, yuck.
I mean, I’d feel insulted too if I was called a
Magikarp, but still, yuck.
Jean-Guy is not impressed by your tantrum. Quick, Benzaie, punch him in the face! |
Okay, this is gonna get vulgar, the kind of vulgar
humor that wouldn’t be out of place in a Seltzer and Friedberg film (sadly),
the kind that makes you wonder whether you should laugh at the gross comedy or
shed a tear in the name of all the revolutionary comedy producers that came
before, the Brooks, Marx and Chaplin of this world. Just get ready. It won’t be
long.
-and holds it near his ass, lets out a prolonged
flatulence, then brings the envelope close to Jean-Guy’s face and pops it, sending
a very disgusting scent into his soon-to-be-ex-boss’s nose.
Well, yuck, again.
And thus Benzaie gets fired. In the current
economical context, this would be a bad thing, but nobody should stay at work
with their schoolyard bully.
Next we see Benzaie at a local diner, talking to a
good friend of his. He’s starting to think about opening his own gaming store,
and is ready to do anything possible to achieve this dream; though he’s scared
of his girlfriend’s reaction when she’ll learn about him getting fired from
Jean Gaming. But who is he talking to? Well, to his imaginary friend, Alpha
Man, of course!
...Maybe there's a convention nearby? |
ADULESCENT
Noun
Etymology: Portmanteau term comprised of the words “adult”
and “adolescent”.
Definition: An adult man or woman who has never
matured or grown much out of adolescence. This term can be a quick way to
reference the situation of many young adults, mainly geeks, who have never quite outgrown the
cartoons, video games and other items of nostalgia from their youth. It can
also be used in a derogatory fashion; therefore, please use this word carefully.
Relationship level: Downgrade. |
Benzaie's father. It's incredible how little an age gap there seems to be between them. No, I'm not implying anything... |
The awkwardness levels are OFF THE CHARTS! |
...Huh, this explains so much. Wow, this origin story
also encompasses the origin story of Benzaie’s imaginary friend. Now let's hope he doesn't just vanish into the memory dump like other imaginary friends do...
On the next morning, our couple has to get ready for
their brunch with friends, but Benzaie is in the mood for something else.
Thankfully, his girlfriend convinces him to get out of bed with her hypnotizing
breasts. …Those are two words I never thought I'd put next to each other on this site.
"Fuck Your Relationship Up In 8 Easy Steps", written by Benzaie No-Family-Name. |
The interview with the employment bureau guy is, also,
less than good. Benzaie’s curriculum vitae is the worst I’ve ever heard. Though he does end up finding something to gather money… as a technician of
evacuation spaces.
Well, yuck, yuckity-yuck. ...Seriously though, fuck you Jean-Guy. |
Oh, this has been going for a while already… Let’s stop here for today, and
continue this review Monday. Be there! If you can.
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