NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Not this game! Not this
darned game!
Let me make one thing
perfectly clear. I love the Rayman series. There's always been this
sense of weirdness around it. The pre-Rabbid years had really great
games, good ideas, nice plots and stories; it also had freaking
Razorbeard, which is not only one of the most awesome names for a
villain ever, but just one awesome concept. Imagine that. The Rabbid
years, while controversial, had their fair share of fun, even if
Rayman was slowly vanishing from his own series... Then, the
post-Rabbid years, which began not so long ago, with Rayman Origins
and Rayman Legends, which are just as awesome as the original
installments, but also such a treat to watch... Long story
short, I love the Rayman series.
However, I was introduced
to this series through a little Game Boy Advance game called Rayman:
Hoodlum's Revenge. Back then, I had an idea of who Rayman was, but
there was no answer as to what a Hoodlum was, nor why it wanted
revenge. I still bought the game, and... well... I'll refer you to
the very first line of this review. The long “No”.
Is it really that bad? Am
I making it worse than it really is? Come with me if you wish to find
out! And try not to get lost on the way, it's really easy to lose
yourself in isometric 3D.
The game begins during a
summer afternoon. Rayman and Globox were lazing off around a tree,
sleeping. Globox cannot help but have nightmares about Andre the Black Lum, a creature that seems to have scarred him- oh wait, I
think I should explain that first.
After doing a bit of
research, I found out what happened. In Rayman 3: Hoodlum Havoc,
there was this Black Lum- oh wait, I should explain that first.
Basically, the Lums are
little brightly-colored balls of light with wings, apparently
sentient, in the Rayman world. There's the regular yellow ones, then
there's the red ones which replenish the heroes' energy, the green
ones which serve as save points, the blue ones that help hold
propellers in the air or let Rayman breathe underwater... And then
there was Andre the Black Lum. (Being a French Canadian, I cannot
help but almost put my finger on the “é” key on my keyboard
until I remember that it's a normal “e” in this name. Although,
they do nickname him Dédé sometimes in Rayman 3.) So, yeah, Andre
is a Black Lum, first of his kind, a Lum filled with hatred and
darkness. He is so bent on hatred that any Red Lum he touches will
become a Black Lum. And that's how he created the Hoodlums, a dark
organization that may have caused the extinction of a number of
species from the Rayman universe. By ripping them of their fur,
dressing them as Rayman, and then beating the ever-loving crap out of
them. Holy cow.
In Rayman 3, Globox
gobbles down Andre near the beginning of the game. From that point
on, the evil guy watches the events of Rayman 3 unfold, thus seeing his plans –
which had begun before Rayman 3 – come to fruition. Which leads us
to Hoodlum's Revenge. Basically, even though Andre was defeated in
the preceding game, it seems that Globox still has nightmares about
him. Maybe this goes beyond just remembering Andre... So, back to the
story: Globox wakes up from his sleep, and wanders off. Rayman wakes
up a bit later, and realizes that Globox is gone. He sets out to find
him.
From the first level, you
find out through Murphy – the annoying little fairy with big eyes
and a big mouth – that Globox has been kidnapped by the Hoodlums.
Whoop-de-doo.
In this game, Rayman moves diagonally... ...and dies all in agony. |
Did I mention that water and lava hurt you in this? Not kidding, Rayman is harmed when he steps in water! ...Seriously, what the Hell... |
The Teensies are locked in those... things. |
Rayman crosses two more
levels after the Fairy Council one: Clearleaf Forest and Clearleaf
Falls. I love these names. Oh yeah, also you can access one secret
level, Vertiginous Riddle, if you get six Murphy Stamps. The next
level is titled Infernal Machine. Is that a boss? Yes! It is! In
Rayman 3, one of the other major villains was Reflux, a warrior from
the race of the Knaaren. Not only that, he also was one of the
strongest warriors from his species. Rayman defeated him in battle,
and from that point on Reflux tried to get revenge. He pretty much
teamed up with Andre in a way. And he proved to be a fierce opponent.
He was destroyed near the end of Rayman 3.
Yes! Destroy that machine! No, over there! |
And... If you wondered
why I had such a long “No” at the beginning, here's one of the
reasons. You control Globox in the Dungeon of Murk, where he's held
prisoner. He wants some plum juice (even though he hates the taste; it sends him in a fit of rage). Also, he seems to have gained a
dissociative identity disorder, as he goes back and forth between a happy, moronic personality and a more evil one. Alright, so Globox looks around his
prison and finds a switch. He can start escaping now! There's just
one problem, there are monsters guarding the other switches that will
make him go forward... And when Globox gets too close to an enemy, or
when an enemy gets too close to Globox, he panics and starts running
away. He's uncontrollable during his panic attacks. …Did I mention
that he cannot jump? Oh, also, when Globox gets near a plum juice
barrel, he drinks it all, turns purple, and will attack back and
destroy the enemies in his way.
I'll recapitulate. He
cannot jump, he is a coward who'll run from battles, running away
means that he cannot be controlled during that time, and also the
only way he can fight back is by drinking something he (supposedly)
hates, pruine juice in barrels which are ALSO guarded by enemies?
The world's greatest
video game hero, everybody!
...My sarcasm known no
limits.
Pictured: Worst video game character ever. |
After you complete one
level with Globox alone, you also have to finish another level with
Rayman alone; he'll surf on a river with some kind of boat, and he'll
control the waves with switches located all around the level. After
that level, you'll get to the Bog of Murk... where Rayman reunites with Globox. Hurray! ...I guess? Oh no, wait. Before that, you have
another level with Globox alone.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... Anyway, Globox has to open
the door to the exit, but there's one problem; the foot pad won't
stay down to leave the door open. And it seems like only a creature
of Globox's weight can keep that pad down. That, or a weight. Globox
looks around and finds a Teensie who says that if Globox saves his
friends, then they'll all step on the pad to let him out. Is this
level over soon?
Urgh.
Well, seems like it is as
soon as you get six Teensies and they all step on the pad together.
Globox can finally exit this level. Thank God.
Now, the two pals are
back together. That's good I guess. Except the next stop in their
adventure is the Begoniax Bayou, where is waiting the old witch
Begoniax. She wants revenge because – Because why, exactly? Because
he... No, that's too stupid, that can't be the reason! ...Oh wait,
that's serious? She wants to kill Rayman... because he broke her
toilet? Didn't even guess that people in that world would need
toilets.
Well, anyway, in this
boss stage Begoniax will be running around, often throwing at Rayman
some spells that will drop to the wooden floor like puddles of magic.
If he steps in one of the puddles, Rayman will turn into a frog,
helpless against Begoniax. By the way, you can't harm Begoniax when she's in normal form.
Luckily, she isn't immune to her own spells, so drive her to walk
into a puddle and she'll become a weakly frog that can be hit. In
other words, you use her spell against her, in a rather clever and
funny way. Once defeated, Begoniax faints.
Now, Rayman and Globox
form a team, I guess the first part of this game is over... You know
what, I think I should end here for now. I'd say it's enough. There's
only so much cowardice I can stand in a day. Wait for next week as I
continue this review.... And hopwfully I won't have crushed the cartridge under a mallet before then.
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