VGFlicks: Pixels (Part 3)

Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3 – Part 4 – Part 5

Still no video games in this picture. We're almost halfway through, and
the one reason why we went to see the film - the video games attacking
the world - is still barely a part of the plot Oh, but it's coming.

The one time President Cooper tries to spend some quality
time making a cake with his wife, he's interrupted by an
important message and his frosting-smeared face goes on
national TV. Does the poor guy ever catch a break?
"...It's a smear campaign!"

Earth is losing 0 to 2, and our hope lies in Adam Sandler. Is it too late to root for the aliens? Sandler’s character, Sam Brenner, is trying to teach American soldiers to fight against these video game-themed aliens, using the arcade machines, but none of them seems ready. And the date of the next battle is approaching… We get a quick scene of President Kevin James – I mean Will Cooper making a cake with his wife, getting frosting smeared across his face, with the event caught on video by the media (and replayed to embarrass him further). That’s when someone shows up to tell him about the aliens’ newest message and the location of the next fight. Smack-dab in the middle of Hyde Park in London, because these aliens don’t care about civilians getting hurt.

The American military arrives at Hyde Park with Sam and Ludlow as… er… alien warfare tactical consultants? Nah, that’s too dignified a title. Let’s just say they’re the nerds-in-chief who’ll watch on the sidelines and, sometimes, tell the soldiers what to do. Meanwhile, Will is in a meeting with the Prime Minister of England, watching the events unfold.

Either those are impressive pixelated mushrooms, or we're on mushrooms
right now.

The hour comes. Soon the skies open, and a multitude of colorful blocky mushrooms fall and set themselves in place in the air. The “expert” Brenner immediately recognizes a set-up for Centipede. Wait, would a 3D Centipede really work?

Coming from a nightmare near you.
Although Pixels itself qualifies as a nightmare.

The monster shows up from the clouds, and I’ll admit, it looks impressive. I’m not afraid to admit that the effects in this movie are pretty good. Sam tells the soldiers to shoot at the centipede’s head, because hitting a segment will split it. Of course, just because they learned what the games were about doesn’t mean the soldiers are prepared to face them in real life, and so the centipede gets split, multiple times. To hammer in the kind of danger the soldiers are facing, one Centipede reaches the ground and chomps on a soldier, turning him into a pile of blocks. That’s the part that freaks me out with this entire concept: You’re killed by these aliens, you’re somehow turned into a bunch of cubes… are you a dead body? Or do you stay conscious? Can you feel your body split apart in who knows how many pieces? Are you still… ALIVE like this? …Don’t think about it, the implications will only get worse.

Brenner has been destroying caterpillars since he was a kid.
Man, what a psycho.

Sam takes a chance when the British Admiral (played by Sean Bean) is distracted, grabs a ray gun from a soldier and starts shootings at the Centipedes, completely destroying them. Showing greater skill than any of the soldiers present, Sam tells Ludlow to grab a ray gun and get ready for Round 2.

They're not even looking where they aim yet they
perfectly destroy the Centipedes behind them!
That's impossible!

You know, that’s a cool scene and all, but something bugs me… How the fuck did Sam Brenner get so good shooting with a gun in the real world? He said it before, he’s a gamer, and he works as a hardware installer. Yet most of his shots hit their target. Cut the “he knows the patterns” bullshit, he’s seeing the game from a different angle than before and the centipedes are very high up in the air. It makes no sense that he'd become suddenly an expert in aiming and shooting with guns! Oh, and for added stupid points, Ludlow joins in and becomes just as good in a matter of seconds. For fuck’s sake, they can even shoot behind themselves, without looking, with perfect accuracy! Forget the aliens and their cubes. THIS is the most unbelievable thing so far.

Anyone else feels uneasy with the way they're holding these
weapons?

Sam even takes some pleasure in torturing both the British and American admirals by killing an enemy a mere second before it hits them. In case you hadn’t noticed, while Adam Sandler’s characters are usually “nice guys”, they’re also sometimes vindictive assholes who’ll rub their sudden victories in their opponents’ faces as soon as they start winning.

One Centipede runs off and Sam chases after it through the street, into a hotel where it causes a lot of destruction, eventually running into an old lady’s room and, for some reason, stopping by for a moment to follow the on-TV exercises along with the old lady. Okay, I’ll admit I got a chuckle out of that. This pause is long enough to allow Sam to kill the Centipede as it goes though the wall and nearly falls on a child.

Okay, this movie gains 1% for a honest-to-God funny joke.

The Duck Hunt Dog is... actually kinda cute like this.
The duck just doesn't care.

It appears that Ludlow also won in Hyde Park, so the army celebrates at a nearby pub. Quick reference to Ludlow being a conspiracy theorist (because we can’t let the viewers forget about that!), then we see Violet and Sam drinking together. Oh, is it an attempt at bonding? A way to justify the romance that will inevitably occur by the end of the movie? Because we all know it’s coming. It’s also quick product placement for a vodka brewery owed by Dan Aykroyd. President Cooper even grabs a beer, despite, y’know, American Presidents not being supposed to drink as long as they’re in power. A transmission appears on TV, with Ricardo Montalbán congratulating Earth for this victory. As per the rules of warfare as they understood it, we’ve been given a trophy in return. It turns out to be the Duck Hunt dog, who materializes in the half-destroyed hotel room owned by the old lady from earlier! You know, I’d probably shoot that dog now, in remembrance of those awful days in 1985 where it began annoying gamers all over the world on the NES, but that would make us look even more barbaric from the aliens’ point of view. Also, yes, the Duck Hunt game came out in 1985 (1984 in Japan), which means that the probe did NOT have footage of that game. Anachronism, once again!

Of course, during the party, Ludlow points out that they’ll be screwed if one particular game becomes a part of the aliens’ attacks, since Sam is not a champion at that game… Sam refuses, but eventually has to agree: Just in case the survival of Earth depends on the current Donkey Kong champion, they need to get Eddie Plant.

Glad to see he hasn't lost the mullet.
We needed that visual reminder that he's stuck in the '80s.

Oh, Peter Dinklage as Eddie Plant gives no fucks. He knows he’s in a bad movie, and he’s going to ham it up like never before. He will chew that scenery until the film runs out of decors and has to be done in front of a green screen for the remaining runtime. Only problem is, Eddie Plant as a character is utterly despicable. The guy never grew out of the 80s, still using slangs like “tubular”. Look, when teenagers like Bill and Ted use those words in the '80s, it’s cute. A grown man using these words in 2015 screams “I’m stuck in the past”. And of course, he’s an asshole. He can brag about his victory 33 years ago over and over, because he does not have anything else going for him. He’s found in prison and his life was apparently a long series of failures caused by him trying to ride his past glory and scam the system. Some winner we got there, huh? Gotta wonder, between him and Sam, who the real loser is. Yet, Plant still has his massive ego. I think the State of Texas wouldn’t be enough to contain it.

Of course, Eddie Plant would be the type to request women
as rewards for saving the world...

Not even two minutes on the screen, and Eddie Plant has chewed through the scenery and is now chewing on my nerves. Is there anyone in this movie who isn’t an annoying jackass? …Well, okay, Kevin James and Michelle Monaghan are fine. Eddie won’t join the team without a bargain, but most of his requests are shot down. Tax exemption? Sure. A private island? Nope. A private helicopter? Keep dreaming. A… urgh… a romantic rendez-vous with Serena Williams and Martha Stewart? In a bedroom of the White House? Aw, Hell no! He eventually settles for a coffee with Serena. Oh great, another person who’s going to get dragged into this crap. If she cameos, she’s either very brave or very well-paid for it.

Eddie joins the group, just in time as the next battle will be taking place that night, in New York City. A maze of streets and branching paths, gee, I wonder what game it’s gonna be. There’s not enough time to evacuate Manhattan, although the American Army does everything it can to prevent citizen casualties in the upcoming battle. A discussion with a shell-shocked NYPD policeman reveals that he saw the creature: It’s Pac-Man.

Okay, so how do we deal with Pac-Man in this maze of streets? Easy. Get ghosts. Or rather, as Violet reveals to the team, get cars painted with the colors of Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde. How did she get those cars ready in a matter of a few hours? Sam can’t be bothered to remember the model name Violet gave them, so he decides to just call them the Mini-Ghosts. That’s not even creative! Here’s my idea: Pac-Busters. Like Ghostbusters, except they’re the ghosts heading out to bust Pac-Man. Make that a thing please.

Oh good, someone else getting pulled into this mess.

Sandler’s team consists of only three people, they need a fourth driver. In comes Toru Iwatani, creator of Pac-Man (actually played by Denis Akiyama), whom Ludlow greets with bows and some gibberish that he tries to phrase like it’s actual Japanese. Add one to the list of stupid lines uttered by Josh Gad in this film. Add one to Peter Dinklage too, as he walks up to Iwatani and simply goes, “I made your game my bitch”. It’s a good thing that Dinklage already had his role as Tyrion Lannister on Game of Thrones, he didn’t suffer too much from Pixels. So it’s an easy deal: Sam, Ludlow, Eddie and Toru will chase down Pac-Man in the streets of New York. Hit him three times and he’s done for.

And yet, when they get there in their Pac-Busters and see the spherical beast, all Sam can utter is “Pac-Man is the bad guy?”

Sam, you dense motherfucker. You’re told by that officer that the monster in New York is Pac-Man. You’re put behind the wheel of a car designed to be like a ghost from Pac-Man, and Violet tells you that your job will be to hit Pac-Man three times. And you are STILL surprised when you get there and see that Pac-Man is the villain to take down? Wow, Sam, you really are a fucking moron.

O  O
Pacman doesn't care.

Now, what follows is both the film’s signature scene and its dumbest moment, especially for gamers who know their gaming trivia. Pac-Man comes towards them and stops as it sees the Pac-Busters (yes, that’s how I’ll call them, screw the name “Mini-Ghosts”). Toru Iwatani sees his creation, made real before him, and leaves his car to approach the creature, calling it his son. Sir, with all due respect, the aliens that made this Pac-Man have no idea who is its creator on Earth. This one doesn't give a damn that you created it, it won't reply. Or, rather, it does reply… after Toru sets a hand on the Pac-Man, it bites said hand off and turns it into pixels. Now the fight in on, as Pac-Man turns around and the heroes (minus Toru Iwatani) get on with the chase.

That... did not go over so well.

To Pac-Man, anything is a dot to comp on.
Well, except the ghosts, anyway.
When all you have is a hammer, everything starts to look
like a nail.

Now, credit where credit is due: The scene follows some key elements of the Pac-Man game. For starters, Pac-Man is fast in empty areas but slower when eating dots – which, in this case, means eating whatever cars it finds on the streets. It also maneuvers around easily, while the Pac-Busters, driven by humans here, need to carefully turn corners. Each member of the team also drives the car for the ghost that represents them best: Iwatani drove the blue Inky, which moves towards Pac-Man, normally in an attempt to ambush him (much like how Iwatani went towards Pac). Sam drives the red Blinky, which constantly follows Pac-Man, while Ludlow drives Pinky, who always tries to stay ahead; those two frequently help each other to trap Pac-Man between them. Eddie drives the orange Clyde, the one who moves at random and doesn’t actively chase Pac-Man, and Eddie as a teammate is erratic and unpredictable. So, there is some level of research that went into making this scene faithful to the game to some extent.

Does it look cool? Eh, kinda. Does it make sense? NOPE!

The praise ends here, though. My first question with the ensuing battle is this: How the Hell did the three of them become such amazing drivers? Similar to my issue with the guns from earlier, how are Sam, Ludlow and Eddie so good at driving these things? Sudden experts. What a bunch of nonsense. Then, in the first round, Eddie’s car somehow moves at super-speed from a dead end to one of the free streets. Still, this allows them to score a first hit on the giant Pac. Round 2 starts, and Pac-Man chomps on a power pellet just as they had it cornered, and so they need to flee from him for 10 seconds. It eats through Ludlow’s car and almost eats him too, but Eddie, using another super-speed effect, rams into Pac right after the power pellet’s ability runs out. Power which actually lasted more than 10 seconds in the movie, by the way. May I actually ask how the ghost cars’ paint jobs turned to a dark blue like the ghosts in the game, though? Were the cars equipped with that, or did the aliens cause it? (For the record, many questions in this movie can only be answered with “The aliens made it possible”, which is the “A wizard did it” of the science-fiction genre.)

My brain cannot make any sense of that plot point.
Does not compute.

Round 3 is tougher, as there’s only Eddie and Sam left to face the beast. Eddie speeds up to hit Pac-Man but it takes a turn; Eddie cannot slow down in time and falls into the river. And of course, Pac eats a power pellet before Sam reaches it. Making use of these fantastic and improbably-excellent driving skills, Sam drives in reverse into a multi-level parking, giving Pac plenty of “dots” to chew on to slow him down. How can he climb up the floors of this parking garage while in reverse without hitting the walls? Mystery. Pac’s 10 seconds of power end just as Sam is plunging in reverse from a high floor of the parking towards the top of another building, and the yellow sphere’s mouth clamps around him exactly at the moment when the car is going back from blue to red. Pac-Man loses its final life, and that’s a victory for the heroes, bringing the score to 2-2!

Let me take a time-out to discuss Eddie’s super-speed here. It’s clear that he’s using tricks he shouldn’t be allowed to use and that it’s gonna bite the heroes in the ass eventually. How did he do that? Simple: Cheat codes. I mean, oldie arcade games all had cheat codes, am I right? (I am NOT right. That was sarcasm.) Yep, Eddie cheated to hit Pac-Man twice. What’s wrong here? EVERYTHING is wrong here.

Let’s assume that Eddie somehow input cheat codes in his car to get super-speed.

Hell, it's stated they were driving the "Mini-Ghosts"!
Cheat codes for the ghosts? ...Why?

Problem #1: He’s driving a GHOST from Pac-Man. He's driving an enemy, not the protagonist. Why would there be a cheat code that makes an enemy faster? The only reason I can think of would be if a gamer wanted a tougher challenge, but that wouldn’t explain why Namco or Midway would add such a code to their arcade machine in the first place.

Problem #2: How did he input that code in the car? They were driving relatively normal cars, and there was likely no way to do the required manipulations. Did he just so happen to have a secret joystick in there?

Problem #3: Let’s say he did input the code. How did the car turn out capable of said super-speed? How, I ask, how did he go from a dead end to an open street at what looks like 2000mph for a single second? You can’t pretend that the aliens made it possible, as there is no proof up to this point that the aliens included the cheat codes in their versions of the games – they included some glitches, as shown with Galaga, but I doubt they could recreate cheat codes.

Problem #3.5: Even if the aliens did make it possible for cheat codes to work during their battles against humans, and they are set on playing it fair, then why would they make these codes work? It’s right there in the name: Cheat codes. The aliens wouldn’t allow their opponents to cheat, would they? That would just be stupid from them. On top of that, they do eventually figure out that cheat codes were used in the Pac-Man battle, and boy are they displeased. Very, very displeased.

Needless to say, Eddie's face when the car falls into
the water is priceless.

Problem #4: Let’s say Eddie did achieve super-speed. Remember that he was driving in the streets of New York, with a lot of obstacles on the way, mostly abandoned cars and cubes left in Pac-Man’s wake. How was he able to maneuver his car perfectly at this extreme speed, without hitting anything? All we see is a top-down GPS screen where his car moves in a split-second from a dead end to an open street. That speed should have made it impossible to negotiate turns with his normal human reflexes. Basic physics would have also made it impossible. As a matter of fact, Eddie's loss in this fight is when he goes too fast to turn to follow Pac-Man at one point and falls into the river!

Problem #5: Okay, so let’s say it wasn’t super-speed as they claim, it was teleportation. Same problem, the cars were made by humans. Violet and her staff couldn’t possibly have made the cars capable of teleportation with our technology. Which brings me back to the aliens and how they wouldn’t allow the cheat code to work either.

Problem #6, and the biggest one: The original Pac-Man arcade game didn’t have cheat codes in the first place, so Eddie’s super-speed is a moot point as no such code exists.

The researchers for this movie should have been fired. They got the patterns right for the four ghosts, but fucked up royally here. Sure, you can pretend that they did it to further the story (Eddie’s cheating tendencies are a major plot point after all), but it’s nonetheless infuriating to see it done so poorly.

Urgh! Okay, I’ve had enough for today. See you in Part 4.