VGFlicks: Pixels (Part 4)

Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3 – Part 4 – Part 5

Daaaaaw~
Look at those pixel puppy-dog eyes!

How to go from 0 to 100 in public opinion?
Simple. Handle well an alien invasion crisis.
Whaddya mean, those don't happen in the real world?

Following Sam’s victory against Pac-Man, he’s welcomed as a hero by the New Yorkers. Eddie has been rescued from the river, and Ludlow shows up with a wriggling mass hiding under a blanket. He reveals that it’s Q*Bert, their new trophy earned for defeating the aliens this round. Y’know… I never liked Q*Bert’s design, but I’ll admit he’s kinda cute in 3D like this. There’s some kind of dorky charm to him. Now to hope he doesn’t become the butt of terrible jokes. But since this is an Adam Sandler movie, this is inevitable. President Kevin James – I mean, Will Cooper – then has a press conference to congratulate his Arcaders, and the reporters start coddling up to him since, y’know, he’s gone from being the butt of all the jokes to a mostly respected leader through this crisis. He made the right decisions. Well, aside from that time Arkanoid destroyed the Taj Mahal, but let’s sweep that under the carpet, hmmm?

President Cooper will be holding a soirée in the Arcaders' honor that night, reassuring the reporters that were an alien attack to happen, his team would be ready to jump into action. The old Admiral played by Brian Cox of course hates that he has been bested by geeks, because of course, this is a Sandler movie and they needed to fill an asshole quota. There’s potential here, either for a surprise villain, or a surprise ally who begrudgingly joins the fight in the end – but no, they do nothing else with Brian Cox, he’s nowhere to be seen in the climax.

Sandler's been crapping on all video games, old and new, in
differet ways so far, might as well take some time to make a
blatant product placement of a good modern video game.

Time to insult modern gaming some more. At Violet’s weapons lab, while she's experimenting with new light ray guns, Sam Brenner watches Violet’s son Matty playing… er… I think it’s The Last of Us.  Yeah, quick online search says it is. Sam complains that modern games don’t have patterns to take advantage of, no rhyme or reason to the AI… which isn’t true, any platform game enthusiast will tell you that patterns are a thing, and there are bosses and enemies in various genres, on most consoles and even on PC, who will follow patterns that you must learn in order to win. I guess it all boils down to nostalgia, and Brenner would bash modern games either way since he prefers the old classics. Matty explains that in a lot of newer games, the whole point is simply to “pretend you’re the guy, and you don’t want to die”. Sam comments on the violence in The Last of Us, which is honestly not the worst I’ve seen (and there are much nastier games out there, like GTA ort Postal). As for Q*Bert, he's watching the game and he's horrified.

Poor guy. His species kills opponents by turning them into
cubes. It's literally the first time he hears about blood.

Y’know… an aside on the aliens. They speak to the characters through old recordings of 1980’s television, and attack using video game characters. We know they’re made of energy cubes, but that’s all we really know. We learn some more about their species later in the movie, but in the end, we get very little else. It’s a missed opportunity in my opinion. Then again, they were more interested in an action-oriented story where Sandler battles video games than in a high-concept science-fiction tale about the society and life of an energy-based alien species.

Speaking of Q*Bert, he might be the best character in the movie. He seems to quite enjoy living on Earth, learning about humans and trying our food. It also helps that he’s indestructible, so if he crashes on the ground after missing a jump on a trampoline, he just reforms as if nothing happened. He’s so cute, too! Listen to this childlike glee! Only downside, Q*Bert says “bullcrap”, because nothing is sacred. Okay, which one of you morons in the film taught the child-friendly icon to swear? I want names! I want a culprit!

Truth be told, Q*Bert is the R2-D2 of arcade gaming. All we
ever heard are beeps and gibberish, but he might as well be
swearing like a sailor and we never find out. This one,
however, seems too childish to cuss so much.

He got Serena? For real?
Her island is better be worth it.

Sam invites Violet to the soirée, and surprisingly, she accepts. I suppose that’s the way they found to get their relationship to go anywhere, they need an excuse to hook up by the end of this story after all. Skip to the soirée, and it looks quite fine, with all the main characters in their best outfits. Eddie Plant got Serena Williams as his partner for the evening, and yes, she must be either brave or very well-paid to make a cameo here. Violet shows up with her son Matty, and Q*Bert came along – aww, lookit that, they made a custom tux for Q*Bert! It’s adorable. So, Sam and Violet go to the balcony to chat and get to know each other better, while Ludlow Lamonsoff is on the stage, singing a jazzy version of Tears For Fears’ Everybody Wants to Rule the World. (Of course he’d like this song, such a title appeals to a conspiracy theorist.) A rather awesome moment for Ludlow, too, as Josh Gad gets a chance to use his great singing voice. It almost makes up for the character being what I hate most about the film so far.

Then of course, partway into the song, in front of the entire audience invited to the soirée, Ludlow gets on all fours and starts humping the stage. Way to go. This movie is basically “How to Ruin a Good Moment”. There are many scenes where something decent or sincere is going on, then it’s ruined by an awful joke. Fuck this movie in every orifice with a rusty blade dipped in Dijon mustard.

"Welcome to your life / There's no turning back / Even while
we sleep / We will find you acting on your best behavior"
And "best behavior", for Ludlow, apparently encompasses
"humping stages during parties".

I wish modern Sandler films had more heartfelt moments
like this one.

Meanwhile, Sam and Violet are having a conversation and Sam compliments her all while insulting the Pilates teacher her husband ran away with. Violet asks why he’s stuck installing hardware if he’s smart enough to invent new technology. Sam replies that his defeat at the hands of Eddie Plant back in the 1982 gaming championship has left him with a psychological scar. He feels like whenever he’s getting too good at something, he fudges it up eventually when he remembers his defeat at Donkey Kong, and that’s why he’s been unable to get anywhere despite his talent. See, that’s an interesting character trait. And for once, a scene not ruined by a cheap joke! I don’t know who let that slide, but they’re the true heroes here.

"We are using footage that we shouldn't even have access
to in order to call you! That's even more unbelievable than
our attacks with video game characters made of cubes!"

When they come back inside, they are shown a video message by a New York class of kids. They were about to say a very, very nasty word – one I actually used earlier – when the transmission is cut off, with a new message from the aliens. They’re using footage from Daryl Hall and John Oates, in an MTV recording that took place in… 1986. Guys, are you even trying to follow your own set rule that everything the aliens use from our probe to launch their attacks came from before 1982? Christ, it shouldn’t be so complicated. Hall and Oates announce that Earth has violated the rules they had set in place for this intergalactic match, and as a result the aliens consider this as Earth forfeiting – AKA they win. They announce that a proper invasion will begin in 12 hours.

I wanna scream "Bullshit!" at the top of my lungs so hard right no-
Hey, is that the Konami code written on there?
Well zippity doo dah, they got ONE code right in here.

Eddie knows that he’s in trouble so he makes a run for it, but he’s accosted by Matty who has retrieved his pair of cool 80’s shades. Eddie had inscribed cheat codes on the lenses, indicating that he was cheating – and yes, that includes the so-called Pac-Man super-speed cheat code WHICH DOESN’T EXIST but this movie needed a justification for a third act in which the aliens invade Earth. He also won through cheating in 1982, as he freely admits to Matty. Oh, guess which other game had no cheat codes? Donkey Kong! Do the bloody research, filmmakers. It’s not that goddamn hard.

After Eddie leaves, the Admiral played by Brian Cox walks up to Violet and Sam and fires them for “helping the aliens” (I’m paraphrasing). Then as the lights go out, they run outside and see Matty getting taken away by the aliens. That special effect turning the characters into cubes as they’re brought into the spaceship is still pretty damn cool, I admit that.

Q*Bert is the most human of all the aliens. He is closer to the
heroes, has learned more about humanity, and is genuinely
saddened by what's going on.
Then again, with what happens later, I may regret calling
him the "most human" of the aliens.

Back at Violet’s house, she tries to come up with a plan with Sam, Ludlow and Q*Bert, but they’ve been stripped of their gear and contacts. They’re pretty much doomed. We also get some info from Q*Bert, who explains that his species lived in peace on their planet until the tape from 1982 came to them, and they accidentally interpreted it as a declaration of war – and since then it’s been a dark place with no room for joy or peace. Sheesh, talk about a fickle species. And they don’t seem inclined to listen to the humans saying that the footage of games was, well, just that: Fun games. I wished we could hear more about Q*Bert’s kind, but as I said earlier, this isn’t serious science-fiction.

We had the MST3K Mantra, Moff's Law and Bellisario's Maxim.
I shall add the Sanchez Statement, courtesy of Rick: "Don't think about it.
Don't think about it. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT."

Sure enough, 12 hours later, the aliens are unopposed and begin their attack, unleashing various video game characters into Washington. Among them, we can spot Paperboy (1985) and Tetrominoes (from Tetris; 1984). The Tetris pieces form lines around apartment block floors, literally erasing them from existence. What the fuck happens to people who hadn’t had time to escape? I could imagine being erased entirely from existence to be a particularly brutal but novel way to die. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus Christ, though. I hope these aliens will bring back the people they killed once they’re defeated. Might never get confirmation about that, but hey, a guy can hope.

Of all the things to be Checkov's guns, the Crane Game.
I thought I already knew everything there was to know
about the Crane Game!

Sam, Violet, Ludlow and Q*Bert make their way into the chaos and are about to be attacked by Frogger, but it’s caught in the nick of time by Will using a crane. Well, he did say he was an expert at the crane game. And here he is now, joining the Arcaders in their fight against the invasion! Aw yeah, a President who jumps into action! He has even brought portable light ray guns for the whole team! They gear up and prepare for the fight of their lives. Ludlow runs off to fight some other aliens, while Sam, Violet, Will and Q*Bert try to sneak aboard the mothership.

"Gear up, everyone. I know you're better at 8-bit arcade games, but get ready
for a free-movement, open-world, Real-Life-HD multiplayer team shooter."

Lady Lisa, protagonist of Dojo Quest.
Portrayed by Ashley Benson, voiced by nobody.

Brief glimpse of Mario, the one from the original Donkey Kong (1981). Ludlow comes across a school bus being attacked by pixelated purple ninjas and destroys them all, but then the movie decides to throw in a new curveball. With “Fuck you” written all over it. From behind the bus appears a humanoid form clad in a red dress, with blonde flowing hair and two katanas attached to her back. Ludlow, ever the creep, instantly recognizes her as the object of all his deepest desires: Lady Lisa, protagonist of Dojo Quest, the one he’s been fantasizing about since he was 8.

Oh, and she takes on a perfect human form. Not pixelated, not 3D, no. She forms a perfectly normal human body. When exactly did the aliens show that they were able to do that? Okay, I call bullshit. Model Ashley Benson portrays the seductive assassin, and she never says a single word in the entire movie. Some other pixelated characters let out a peep or two, she never says a thing. Just a pretty lady without a voice. But hey, "who cares about a voice when she’s got a body this hot", amirite? Urgh, screw this scene. He may be in love, but she has knives in her eyes. And two goddamn katanas. After a short fight where she shows off impressive agility and talent, she bests him and slices his head off, freeing Earth from the insanity of Ludlow Lamonsoff. Nah, I kid. But I wish that’s what happened! What truly happens is that he submits to her completely and, as he feels the steel of a blade to his neck, states an anguished declaration of love for Lady Lisa. This is enough to make her drop her katanas. She smiles, helps him get up, and they share a victorious kiss. Uh, he knows she’s an alien made of energy cubes, right? Apparently he’s fine with that.

Aw, Hell NO!

Oh hey, good to know Eddie has some honor.
He must be part-Lannister.

Then Eddie Plant shows up in his Arcader uniform and admits that he done fucked up, so he’s willing to resume the fight against the aliens, to prove to himself that he can win without cheating. And, of course, Lady Lisa joins their side against her own kind. But of course! She had about 30 seconds with Ludlow, fell in love, and she’ll help in exterminating her own kind now? Dude, that’s not until at least the 6^th date.

I think some people who were there in the '80s will like the
nostalgia, cameos and references to the era in the film.
But they'll still hate it for everything else that's in it.
This Max Headroom looks awesome, by the way.

Sam and his team get underneath the mothership, and a giant Max Headroom pops up over them to discuss the terms that will end this war. URGH! For fuck’s sake! Max Headroom first appeared on TV in 1984! The CGI host announces that the aliens are willing to give Earth a final chance. Why? Because we need a climax. that's the only reason. They’re invited into the mothership, and if they can defeat the final boss, Earth wins. A portal opens and Sam enters, followed by Violet, Will and Q*Bert, and they’re turned into cubes and brought upwards.

Kinda odd that the big boss used by the aliens is an enemy
that is technically never hurt directly by the protagonist
of the game he's in. But I suppose making him fall to
his death is not an option.

They reform on a red platform, inside the ship. They walk past a blue barrel. This is the climax everybody could see coming – which game could it be, other than the one game Sam has no confidence in beating? A giant monkey sets itself near a barrel on a platform way higher, while ladders fall between the multiple levels of the stage. Sam instantly recognizes the level as Donkey Kong.

Then Will adds, “The one game you suck at.” Gee, thanks for the kind words, dick! For the record, Sam arrived second. SECOND. He doesn’t suck at the game, he didn’t get to first place, but second place is still better than every other player minus one! The three trophies taken by the aliens are here too – the Guam soldier, the Indian guy, and Matty. Time for a showdown.

…In part 5.

God’s sake, I can’t wait for this review to be over.