Grand Theft Auto V (Part 3)

Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3 – Part 4 – Part 5 – Part 6

We’re now preparing for our next heist. There’s got to be something valuable in that Merryweather boat.

Yes, this is the entire house. It's bigger than Michael's.
Who's winning the crime game now?

We can of course visit Franklin’s new house, and it is fucking gorgeous. Lester sends Franklin to a few assassination missions that greatly impact the in-game economy, and if you know what to invest in, you can practically multiply the amount of money you own. We can make hundreds of thousands of dollars, perfectly legally (if you forget the assassination part), as long as we buy the right stocks in time, sell them afterwards, buy other descending stocks and selling them when they get high. This actually works! Have you ever actually seen a game that teaches players how to play the stock market?

That mini-game on the Mii Plaza on the Nintendo 3DS doesn’t count.

It's actually pretty bullcrap in comparison.

Meanwhile, Michael gets wrapped in the FIB drama, as he meets Dave Norton again, who’s accompanied by Steve Haines, another guy who really, really wants the info known by Mr. K, a guy detained in the IAA offices (their CIA). Norton and Haines enlist Michael, Franklin AND Trevor into a mission where they fly in a helicopter to the IAA tower, steal the guy, kill the guards and also shoot down the IAA helicopters sent at them. Phew!

Michael's ability lets him slow down time during shootouts.
Very useful when he needs to kill multiple targets.

Jesus Christ... this... this isn't fun. Only Haines and Trevor
seem to be enjoying this. I don't enjoy this.
Thank God it's only one mission in the game.

Oh, and later, we get a mission in which Dave drags Michael around to chase a potential Azerbaijani terrorist, while Trevor and Haines are getting info out of the guy we just kidnapped from the IAA… with good old torture. Yes, in case you thought GTA couldn’t get any darker, here we literally participate to cold-blooded torture on an Azerbaijani guy who just happened to install electronics for another Azerbaijani guy who IS secretly a terrorist. The worst part might be how you play the mini-games required to make the guy suffer, and he eventually gives enough info so that Michael and Dave kill a guy from afar – and we certainly hope it was the right guy. Holy shit, that scene is just horrifying. It’s not fun. Steve Haines sure has a blast as the scene goes, and even Trevor seems to be doing it so... nonchalantly. In fact, when this mission ends, Trevor is told to kill the guy they were torturing, but instead brings him to the airport, wishing him luck wherever he decides to flee. Shit got dark, man. That Steve Haines guy is nothing good.

Don't be fooled by the way Barry dresses. He's constantly
high as a kite, and very dumb as a result.
That smoke-in idea could work... but it won't.

In a world where evertybody seems set on trying to kill
you, maybe turning into a crazy maniac like Trevor is
a good option. Well, minus maybe the sexual depravity
part, that is. He fucks plush teddy bears, after all.

As Franklin, we can help Barry the pro-marijuana guy get his stashes to organize a smoke-out event near government offices, or we can help Beverly the paparazzi get some good photos for his job – for which he never intended to pay us, so we can kick his ass in return. Later, Franklin is confronted by his aunt Denise and his old pal Lamar, who complain that he’s been ditching the gangbanger lifestyle. Trevor shows up and chooses to accompany Franklin and Lamar into something involving Stretch – yeah, the guy that got them into an ambush last time. The task is easy: Bring money to a guy, get a brick of drugs, and deliver it. Except Trevor, who knows better thanks to a lifetime of crime, checks the package and finds out it’s only 30 grams of cocaine, not a full kilogram – everything else is a literal brick. This is another ambush! We shoot at the gangbangers headed for us, kill as many as possible, and then flee on boats.

Decidedly, Michael has more balls than me.
I wouldn't be caught dead doing yoga.

In the meantime, in our favorite soap opera for men, Michael gets into another argument with his wife Amanda and when Fabien, her yoga instructor, shows up, he decides to join them for a yoga session. Which ends badly when Fabien starts doing yoga moves that suspiciously look like he’s humping Amanda from behind, and Michael gets angry. Amanda leaves, so Michael goes to see his son Jimmy upstairs, and takes him to the nearby burger joint, where Jimmy gets some drugs and a special drink… which he gives to his dad, who gets a high while driving. He’s then forced out of the car by Jimmy, who says he is gonna move out with his mother and sister. After a really trippy and fun near-nude flying sequence, Michael retrieves his mind and gets home, only to see a note left by Amanda about her moving out with the kids. Well, Michael sure fucked up this time, didn’t he?

If that's what doing drugs is like, then I am either glad not
to be doing any, or wondering what I'm missing out on.

When Trevor decides to blow up...
everything around him is gonna blow up.
"THIS... IS... MY... BOOMSTICK!"

Trevor can continue some of the side-quests, like the obligatory weed-fueled carnage (with clowns, this time!) or the final bits involving Nigel and Mrs. Thornhill, who went from stealing stuff from celebrities to kidnapping celebrities, What a fucked-up world, man. There’s still the option to go on another carnage, of course. Or whichever ones you’ve still got to do. Hillbillies, street thugs, gang bangers, the army? That’s the first four. Props for the Carnage against the army, though, since it gives you a grenade launcher and you fight against trucks and tanks. The last one is… Hipsters. Yes, hipsters. But hey, we all know hipsters are the fucking worst.

The awesome part is that while Franklin does his sniping stuff,
Michael does his own things. Imagine: If you weren't there,
having to play as either of them, they would do this heist
and ace it without you!
You are their biggest barrier to victory, ain't that weird?

BIG BA-DA-BOOM!

Also with Trevor, we steal a submarine, then plan the big heist with Michael (who will sneak aboard the boat to place bombs) and Franklin (who will be shooting the guards). Once again, you can switch between the two as often as possible, until Franklin becomes required to kill the incoming guards. I personally preferred to play Franklin throughout the whole thing. Then, once the bombs are set, they’re activated and BOOM goes the boat. Michael goes underwater to find the cargo, and Trevor picks it up with the submarine. And so, we bring it up… only to see Lester showing up at the meeting point. Why didn’t he want this score to happen? Because the thing they stole… it’s a fucking nuke. And unless it’s brought back where it was, the three guys and every single one of their associates are going to be wanted criminals forever. And, so, in spite of a successful and spectacular robbery, we have to say goodbye to that loot. Poor Trevor, none the richer, yelling obscenities on the pier.

I mean, in a world as dire and nasty as that of a GTA game,
nuking it all might seem like the best option.
But then, where would you do all your carjackings?

Why a nuke, though? I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.

Meanwhile, the FIB has another mission for the trio. Steve Haines says that the IAA is now selling drugs, trying to make a ton of money quickly, probably planning a major expensive event in Los Santos. The FIB, claiming themselves to be the good guys (or, well, slightly better guys than the IAA anyway), decides to steal that money so that they can use it in a better way. This is like an entirely new heist: We need new suits, a garbage truck, a tow truck, a getaway vehicle, and masks. It’s all short, easy missions, no need to talk about them at length. Buy or steal what you need.

It's like the IAA sent the entire Los Santos Police Department
in our way, and we're gonna decimate them all!
We kill so many cops in this game, is it really a surprise that
the city suffers from such high criminality rates?

Franklin blocks the IAA truck’s way and Michael rams into it with the tow truck, then the two steal its contents. They now have a 4-star wanted rating and can only bring it down by killing all the cops that show up – including multiple cars, snipers and a helicopter. Good thing we can switch at will between Trevor (on the roof with a rocket launcher and a sniper rifle), Franklin and Michael during the shootout. Once that’s done, Franklin leaves with the garbage truck and retrieves the getaway car, and we cut back to Michael bringing the stuff to Devin Weston, a billionaire who works with the FIB. Not only that, but he has many offers of new scores for Michael and his team – including one involving Solomon Richards, Michael’s favorite Hollywood actor. You can practically feel the manly equivalent of a squee emanating from the guy upon hearing that he might work with his idol. Man, it doesn’t matter which universe it is; fanboys will be fanboys.

The fanciest cars. Good luck finding them outside of the
missions in which they're featured. You'd have more
chances finding a misprinted coin in a kid's piggy bank.

Devin’s first mission for the team is to steal a bunch of fancy race cars. Two of them are taken from highway racers, with Franklin joining the race while Michael and Trevor chase them as cops on motorcycles. Another one brings Trevor and Franklin to the Los Santos Police Department, to look for an owner of a Z-Type, one of the rarest cars in the game – and one of the best, too.

Meanwhile, Michael meets Solomon Richards and gets a most particular task: Bring back two actors who won’t do their job until their contract is re-negotiated, even though they’re both pretty terrible. And of course, don’t kill anyone on the way. Punch and kick all you want, but no killing! We sneak on the roof of a party they're planning, steal their helicopter – with them inside – and scare them a bit, then bring them back to Solomon. As a reward, Solomon gives Michael the role of Associate Producer on his new movie! That’s kind of… big, no?

Biking towards a crashing plane.
That must be what ambulance chasers feel like.

Afterwards, we get a call from Martin Madrazo, who has a job for the protagonist. I thought we were done with this guy after paying off the repairs to his house? Michael asks Trevor to help him with that job. The two head to Madrazo’s secondary residence, where they meet his wife Patricia, and Trevor seems smitten. The task the gangster has for them is simple to explain, but a lot more complex on the field: Shoot down a plane containing one of his cousins, steal a case filled with, ahem, “unimportant” files, kill the cousin and bring back the case. Payment? What payment? Once the mission is completed by Michael and Trevor, the latter brings the files back to Madrazo but gets nothing in return, and is angry about it. Soon Trevor tells Michael to join him somewhere else than the Madrazo residence… and he shows up with Patricia, whom he just kidnapped. Because, y'know, antagonizing a crime boss has worked so well before.

Alright, there is no way Stockholm Syndrome will set in.
Who would be insane enough to fall in love with Trevor?

"Get on the plane, get on the plane?
Fuck you, I'm getting IN the plane!
There seems to be a lot less wind in here!"
Bonus points to whoever gets it.

Now, Michael and Trevor need to hide, so Michael calls Franklin and explains why he has to live in Trevor's trailer for a moment. Trevor isn’t done with his little businesses as Ron arrives with information about a weapon cargo coming. Time to steal that shit! As if we were gonna do anything else, am I right? Trevor doesn’t just steal; he makes a spectacle of his criminality! He literally rams his crop-duster into the plane and hijacks it, but gets shot down later by jets and has to jump off with a parachute. The cargo fell in the waters, but hey, we’ve already grabbed something from underwater lately, we could do it again.

(We never actually go back to gather these weapons during the story, but you can go and do it on your own.)

Ally with everybody. Even those who might wrong you.
Defeat everyone who wrongs you.
Keep your bald spot of hair perfect and shiny.

Also, don’t go think that I’ve done all of the side-quests just yet. Trevor has two weirdos calling themselves the Border Patrol, who task our favorite sociopath with chasing and tazing “illegals”. Oh, whoop-de-doo, I just teamed up with anti-immigration assholes. What the fuck is wrong with me. Well, at least they prohibit me from killing the people they’re trying to deport. Meanwhile, in Vinewood, Franklin meets The Dom, an extreme sports enthusiast that drags him into parachuting and bike-racing down the mountainside.

The only upside of meeting The Dom in GTA V is that you
can go parachuting all over the map for free.
As for me? You'd have to pay me.

Okay, so there’s been a thing or two bugging me so far in the game. You see, one of the major aspects of GTA V is how criminal life really isn’t as fulfilling as one would think it to be. Michael goes back to it, bored with his usual family life after faking his death, but feels just as empty afterwards – and in a lot more trouble. Franklin is getting into the higher spheres of crime, but can’t get paid for anything he does outside of that one successful heist. As for Trevor, his main illegal businesses (meth and weapons) are doing alright, but everything else he seems to do ends up almost in failure. Sure, he has fun, but anytime he thinks he’s got something big, that reward is swept away from him.

For crashing an airplane, killing the passengers, and
stealing some files, we get... a big ol' bunch of
NOTHING! I'd be angry too.
I don't kill people for free, when I'm taking orders!

There’s the big deconstruction on the entire concept of GTA V: Crime really doesn’t pay. It doesn’t make you feel better, it rarely pays off, and you can just as easily lose anything you’ve gained. The guys do make plenty of money through heists and by playing in the stock market before and after assassination missions – and those are major crimes – but anything else brings next to nothing. Most bosses who send the team on missions know they can get away with not paying them. As a result, in most of the first third of the game (and even after the first heist) you’ll be struggling to find anything that offers a decent pay. It’s particularly bad for Franklin, who can’t catch a damn break even though he’s the poorest of the protagonists when he’s first met, and even long afterwards. It IS possible to make a bit more cash on the side thanks to the properties you can buy – but those, as luck would have it, are frequently too expensive, or not profitable on a long term, and cannot be bought until the second or third successful rewarding heist. I say “successful” because, as we’ve seen, not all of them give something to the trio – the 20M$ nuke has to be tossed back into the waters. In the end, in spite of providing all of the fun and games that come with being a gangster (as well as a massive map filled to the brim with secrets, side-quests, areas of interest and jobs to do), GTA V actually shows why it wouldn’t actually be as fun as it seems.

We rarely get to steal trucks. I mean... speed is such an
important and awesome part of driving in this game, why
would you bother stealing something slow? Unless it
contains something extremely valuable... but even then...

Speaking of big scores… the FIB has to investigate something big, which would be a score all to itself, but first they need money. Millions. And what else to do, but pull another big score in order to get that money? Trevor suggests the Paleto Bay bank, where the local dirty cops keep their local dirty money. We scout the area during a mission, then plan out that heist in Trevor’s offices. Most of the stuff will be ready by the time of the heist, all we need is an army truck that Trevor steals from a moving convoy… In usual Trevor fashion, of course, which means killing every guard and then fleeing in the truck.

And after you've killed one, the other tries to escape on a
slow-moving tractor. God, can these guys be stupid!

And obviously, yet again, nothing stops you from doing missions on the side. Kill the remaining O'Neil brothers? Sure. They were becoming a threat anyway. Get rid of the Civil Border Patrol guys? Gladly! They're now threatening families with guns even if they said it was against their code. They don't care if these families are Americans by law, "they look foreign, they gotta be foreigners!" These guys are everything wrong with the “anti-immigration” assholes and then some! And this time, not only were they trying to arrest an entire family, they were gonna shoot at them! I’ll admit, I was actually extremely happy to kill these bastards. Either something’s wrong with me, or this game has affected me morally, or there’s a dark side that I didn’t know I had. I don’t even want to call them Trump supporters, they’re even more insane than that.

They represent a sort of critique of the extreme xenophobia present in the rural areas of America. In fact, many aspects of American culture are critiqued in this game. I'll rpobably find some time to talk about that in later parts, but not anytime soon. Either way, see you in Part 4.