Quick Review: Save Jesus

Looks like I'm too early for Easter. Oh well!

The story of Jesus doesn't normally start this
way... but things aren't very stable right now.
(I'll see myself out for this pun.)

Save Jesus, made by Almighty Games and released to Steam on August 4th, 2016 (not even a holy day), is a puzzle game in which you must, well… save Jesus. He’s surrounded by Roman centurions, which you must defeat (read: kill) by sending all sorts of heavy balls at them. Spiked steel balls, burning rocks, spherical cows… if it can roll and destroy, then it can help in rescuing the Lord and his loved ones from Roman tyranny... or kill them by accident.

But this is nowhere in the Bible, you ask? Well, some nerd from the future arrived in this era in a flying time machine, and is seemingly trying to change the past. He’s the one behind all these puzzles. We have to defeat him! Rest assured, however, that Jesus will remain non-violent himself. And also non-moving. The guy will not move whatsoever, you have to plan around him so that he isn’t struck by the big ball you’re throwing at the enemies.

Holy cow!

Now that's dealing with legionnaires in a much
better way. Downed with a ball of pure light
of divine retribution!

In each level, you have two goals: The first, which is mandatory, is to kill all of the legionnaires. Only the ball can kill them, and they go out in a big splotch of blood. That’s metal! To redirect the ball, you make use of the physics engine to control where the ball goes. At times, you can also make use of explosive crates to send the ball flying. Be careful not to kill Jesus with it, though! The second goal is to control the ball in order to collect the three stars on the screen. Those start out pretty easy, but they get trickier as the game progresses, especially when it comes to getting the last few stars. Momentum, angle, moving parts – yep, this is a physics puzzle game and it shows.

Jesus, God gave you a brain, if you're not gonna
fight, at least move out of the way!

The game has 60 levels, but the last 10 are bonuses; the “plot”, in which you outsmart the nerd from the future, ends at Level 50 with a boss battle. And you really want to punch him in his glasses, as said nerd is made to be as unsympathetic as possible. And also very limited in his speech lines, too. In levels where he appears, he shuffles between a small handful of recorded sentences, such as “You think you can stop me? I got a time machine!”, “Why don’t you mind your own business?” or “What’s the big deal? Jesus’ gonna die anyway.” Makes you want to crush him under his own machine. You just want him to shut up, he’s so annoying.

Not gonna lie, I wasn't a fan of the puzzles that
involved sand blocks moving in circles.

Anyway, that’s about it. The game plays with its own physics from time to time, but is ultimately very straightforward and simple. Very few levels will actually prove tricky to finish. If you get stuck but can’t die, you can press the Space bar or click the Restart button. Killing Jesus is kinda funny, though. (I hope I’m not going to Hell for saying that.) The music is alright, the graphics are pretty good, and the idea is just… heh. It does make me chuckle. The last 10 levels offer something that’s more akin to pinball, as while they retain a bit of a puzzle edge they’re more about sending the ball flying left and right to break blocks and kill legionnaires without harming Jesus (which, admittedly, can be a tricky thing to do).

"Crushed by boulder" beats crucifixion any day.

I'm not really pro-killing nerds, but that one
has it coming for trying to murder Jesus
50 times.

A minor issue is that, while I do like that the ball is generated at random from one of seven different balls (one of which is a COW), several achievements want you to beat 50 levels with each ball. That would mean playing through most of the game 7 times. I liked it fine, but I don’t see myself playing it this much!

So yeah. Alright game, nothing revolutionary, good for a laugh or two and will puzzle you for maybe two hours. Get it if you think you’d enjoy it. (Or just want to see Jesus crushed under boulders… Good thing we don’t have to wait three days to try again if that happens!)

Save Jesus is available for 1.99$ USD.